Hi, so I actually joined a similar forum to this a few months ago called Mysexualabuse but it looks like it was moved to this.
So I'm actually gonna try shortening the story. As a kid I had a really good relationship with my dad and we were really close, but then things happened and he changed a lot. Well when I was 13 my dad sexually abused me. I never told anyone and I basically went into full survival mode. I avoided him as much as I could and then a few months later my mom kicked him out of the house because of another issue, I didn't want to tell my mom about the abuse since my mom was always a very "take control" type person. I knew she would go straight to the police and people would know. But despite everything I still loved my dad. Well a few months later I decided to try reconnecting with my dad and it worked. He never touched me again. It was actaully pretty great. For once he was actually acting like a real, stable, and loving father. This went on for four years
My dad was also pretty emotionally abusive. He would always have these really violent yelling matches with my mom as I grew up, but he never really yelled at me. Actually he was always really calm with me, but when my mom kicked him out of the house he went to me when my mom wasn't home and just yelled at me for hours. I blocked a lot of it out and mainly repressed the whole thing but I do remember scratching my arm so much I left scars that lasted for months. See, I have hypersensitive hearing so the yelling was actually physically painful for me.
But after that, when my dad and I were doing great in our relationship, he was so loving. I recently learned that this is actually a pattern in abusive relationships: the trigger, the buildup, the explosions, and the calm respite (which could last anywhere from a few days to years).
My senior year of high school I decided to apply for a bible college. I didn't tell my dad because I just wanted him to be proud of me and I had a feeling he would disapprove of my college. Senior year was incredibly stressful for me. So much was going on in my house with my mom and church that my only respite was with my father. But then came graduation, the night my dad found about my college. I could see something was wrong in his eyes when I walked down to recieve my diploma. The trigger.
After the parties were over I went to see my dad a few days later and I could tell he was in the buildup phase. He was accusing me of all of these horrible things and desperately trying to convince me to leave my college. But he was doing it all in such an angry, controlling manner. The next day he left an extremely threatening email to me so I got scared, packed my things, and went to live with my best friend. That night he left me 200+calls, 40+voicemails, and God knows how many texts. Two days later, somebody somehow tipped the police that my father had sexually abused me. I still don't know who did. But police came and I had to file a report. The encouraged me to get a restraining order, but I couldn't get myself to do it.
Then I went to work at a camp where I met some amazing people who finally got me to open up about my past. For once, I felt like I could be honest and ultimately free, I was no longer in a manipulative situation and I wasn't in a controlled environment.
But camp ended and I had to go to college. I wasn't looking forward to it because I knew the college was going to be strict and conservative but I had nowhere else to go.
Now I'm in college and it's been terrible. There are far too many restictions and it's too controlling (yes
I'm in a very conservative college [think Pensacola Christian college, if you've heard about it]). And it's killing me. Last year this wouldn't have bothered me except I feel like I really need to start figuring out who I am and making my own choices in life, I can't do that here. Moreover, I realize now that I don't have a passion for the major that I'm in and they don't have any other major that I can think of moving into (very small selection of majors). So I'm thinking about leaving, before the semester ends. I'm so stressed form this passed year and I just want to breathe. I'm exhausted emotionally and my brain isn't doing well with classes. Not only that but I've been dealing with very severe depressive episodes that completely incapacitate me. I don't know if I should go home and find a job, raise some money and start over next year in a new college when I'm not so overwhelmed. My college isn't even accredited so I don't even know if my credits will transfer.
The problem is, it's gonna be hard moving home and finding a job because of my dad, he still lives in the area and it's inevitable that I would run into him. The very thought terrifies me because I don't want to have to see his eye, see the possible pain that I've brought.
I just kind of wish that I never existed at this point, I'm tired of hurting others, I feel so unwanted and alone, and I just don't really know who I can depend on anymore,
Sorry for the lengthy post, but I desperately need help and I'm not even aloud to go to a therapist here.
Thank you if you read this
So I'm actually gonna try shortening the story. As a kid I had a really good relationship with my dad and we were really close, but then things happened and he changed a lot. Well when I was 13 my dad sexually abused me. I never told anyone and I basically went into full survival mode. I avoided him as much as I could and then a few months later my mom kicked him out of the house because of another issue, I didn't want to tell my mom about the abuse since my mom was always a very "take control" type person. I knew she would go straight to the police and people would know. But despite everything I still loved my dad. Well a few months later I decided to try reconnecting with my dad and it worked. He never touched me again. It was actaully pretty great. For once he was actually acting like a real, stable, and loving father. This went on for four years
My dad was also pretty emotionally abusive. He would always have these really violent yelling matches with my mom as I grew up, but he never really yelled at me. Actually he was always really calm with me, but when my mom kicked him out of the house he went to me when my mom wasn't home and just yelled at me for hours. I blocked a lot of it out and mainly repressed the whole thing but I do remember scratching my arm so much I left scars that lasted for months. See, I have hypersensitive hearing so the yelling was actually physically painful for me.
But after that, when my dad and I were doing great in our relationship, he was so loving. I recently learned that this is actually a pattern in abusive relationships: the trigger, the buildup, the explosions, and the calm respite (which could last anywhere from a few days to years).
My senior year of high school I decided to apply for a bible college. I didn't tell my dad because I just wanted him to be proud of me and I had a feeling he would disapprove of my college. Senior year was incredibly stressful for me. So much was going on in my house with my mom and church that my only respite was with my father. But then came graduation, the night my dad found about my college. I could see something was wrong in his eyes when I walked down to recieve my diploma. The trigger.
After the parties were over I went to see my dad a few days later and I could tell he was in the buildup phase. He was accusing me of all of these horrible things and desperately trying to convince me to leave my college. But he was doing it all in such an angry, controlling manner. The next day he left an extremely threatening email to me so I got scared, packed my things, and went to live with my best friend. That night he left me 200+calls, 40+voicemails, and God knows how many texts. Two days later, somebody somehow tipped the police that my father had sexually abused me. I still don't know who did. But police came and I had to file a report. The encouraged me to get a restraining order, but I couldn't get myself to do it.
Then I went to work at a camp where I met some amazing people who finally got me to open up about my past. For once, I felt like I could be honest and ultimately free, I was no longer in a manipulative situation and I wasn't in a controlled environment.
But camp ended and I had to go to college. I wasn't looking forward to it because I knew the college was going to be strict and conservative but I had nowhere else to go.
Now I'm in college and it's been terrible. There are far too many restictions and it's too controlling (yes
I'm in a very conservative college [think Pensacola Christian college, if you've heard about it]). And it's killing me. Last year this wouldn't have bothered me except I feel like I really need to start figuring out who I am and making my own choices in life, I can't do that here. Moreover, I realize now that I don't have a passion for the major that I'm in and they don't have any other major that I can think of moving into (very small selection of majors). So I'm thinking about leaving, before the semester ends. I'm so stressed form this passed year and I just want to breathe. I'm exhausted emotionally and my brain isn't doing well with classes. Not only that but I've been dealing with very severe depressive episodes that completely incapacitate me. I don't know if I should go home and find a job, raise some money and start over next year in a new college when I'm not so overwhelmed. My college isn't even accredited so I don't even know if my credits will transfer.
The problem is, it's gonna be hard moving home and finding a job because of my dad, he still lives in the area and it's inevitable that I would run into him. The very thought terrifies me because I don't want to have to see his eye, see the possible pain that I've brought.
I just kind of wish that I never existed at this point, I'm tired of hurting others, I feel so unwanted and alone, and I just don't really know who I can depend on anymore,
Sorry for the lengthy post, but I desperately need help and I'm not even aloud to go to a therapist here.
Thank you if you read this
