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clairebear
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longlostgf
Hey everyone
My boyfriend got jumped last October (suffered heavy blood loss, broken nose) while walking home from the pub.
He doesn't know who it was, no one was ever caught for it.
He started having issues sleeping almost immediately, but blamed that on his broken nose (with it healing, making it more difficult to breathe etc), but generally seemed fine.
At the start of December he got into a fight and broke a window in rage (usually very placid!!!! Myself,his friends and colleagues were in total disbelief), however he then went back home to his family over the Christmas period and, from his texts and phonecalls, he just seemed relieved to be away from the workplace and again, happy.
It was in this time that he asked me to be his girlfriend (wed been close friends since march) and I gleefully accepted :)
Fast forward a couple of months where wed been going on dates, watching films at my house (he shares so he tends to come to mine), going to barbecues, dinners with mutual friends/his colleagues, shopping, zoo, little road trips to get away for a few hours......my big concern was the lack of intimacy.
He wouldn't kiss/hug/cuddle/hold my hand unless I initiated it, and by this point wed only had sex twice, whilst blind drunk. This all culminated in my having a dramatic breakdown because I didn't know if there was something "wrong with me", but he assured me there wasn't, and that he wanted to do all those things but he just.....couldn't.
He couldn't explain why, there was just something that was stopping him.
By this point he was managing on around 45 minutes of sleep at a time,with 3-4 hour intervals, and had been since that October.
I chose to take a step back on the intimacy, and we continued dating as before. He went to see a doctor about his nose, and I encouraged him to see a phycologist because of his terrible sleeping patterns, which he duly did.
He was prescribed sleeping pills, antihistamines, antidepressants (not all at once, they'd try one thing for a few days, then switch to something else)
A month on, there had been no further insight as to his breathing problems or sleeping, but his visits became fewer, his texts almostonly mirroring my initial contact, and he was be coming distant; not just from myself but his friends, family, colleagues. By this point I had completely changed my attitude from " he's being a dick" to "something is seriously wrong".
Then one day, at the end of an office briefing, he had to be physically carried away from where he was stood as " it was like he was made of stone" and completely unresponsive to anything/one, according to the colleagues that were present.
I asked him about it when he suddenly appeared at my house (a week and a half after the incident, in which time I hadn't seen or heard from him) and he didn't seem too perturbed about it, just that it must be due to his constant tiredness.
The week after this,he crashed a van into another vehicle.
He came by to tell me what happened, and while calm and joking, was definitely on edge.
I later found out from the guy he hit (work colleague of his, old friend of mine) that, despite the damage being minimal and nobody being hurt, he completely lost it and broke down for about 45 minutes.....despite having written off several cars over the years "coz that's what guys do".....
Two days later,he was sent to a psychiatric clinic for "further investigation and treatment".
He's now been there for 4 weeks, and FINALLY last Tuesday he was diagnosed with PTSD due to the attack in October.
I have to say, I'm terribly relieved to" know" what it is, but I'm also at my wits end with it.
My friends think I'm insane to have put up with all "the drama" (they see it as an excuse for him to treat me like an option when it suits him), to the point where I can't talk to them about him anymore without snide comments about him being a "dick", or more recently, since telling them about his diagnosis; " weak".
He, while seemingly also glad to finally have a name for what's going on with him, is less than happy with it. He "doesnt want it" and dislikes the stigma that comes with it. Meanwhile, whilst being more open and loving, is still keeping me at arms length, and while I know I shouldn't take it personally and that the diagnosis is only the start of what could be a very long potential healing process, I'm finding it all very difficult to cope with.
The man I was falling in love with has essentially been put on hold, my friends don't understand the situation (they only see my pain throughout the months, which I understand), and I just feel terribly alone in this.
The flip side is that I feel awful for feeling sorry for myself-HES THE ONE WITH PTSD, he's the one who must be suffering terribly,he's the one who's whole life has changed because of one incident for which he was not to blame.
I'm hoping I can get some support on here, apologies for the long essay....
My boyfriend got jumped last October (suffered heavy blood loss, broken nose) while walking home from the pub.
He doesn't know who it was, no one was ever caught for it.
He started having issues sleeping almost immediately, but blamed that on his broken nose (with it healing, making it more difficult to breathe etc), but generally seemed fine.
At the start of December he got into a fight and broke a window in rage (usually very placid!!!! Myself,his friends and colleagues were in total disbelief), however he then went back home to his family over the Christmas period and, from his texts and phonecalls, he just seemed relieved to be away from the workplace and again, happy.
It was in this time that he asked me to be his girlfriend (wed been close friends since march) and I gleefully accepted :)
Fast forward a couple of months where wed been going on dates, watching films at my house (he shares so he tends to come to mine), going to barbecues, dinners with mutual friends/his colleagues, shopping, zoo, little road trips to get away for a few hours......my big concern was the lack of intimacy.
He wouldn't kiss/hug/cuddle/hold my hand unless I initiated it, and by this point wed only had sex twice, whilst blind drunk. This all culminated in my having a dramatic breakdown because I didn't know if there was something "wrong with me", but he assured me there wasn't, and that he wanted to do all those things but he just.....couldn't.
He couldn't explain why, there was just something that was stopping him.
By this point he was managing on around 45 minutes of sleep at a time,with 3-4 hour intervals, and had been since that October.
I chose to take a step back on the intimacy, and we continued dating as before. He went to see a doctor about his nose, and I encouraged him to see a phycologist because of his terrible sleeping patterns, which he duly did.
He was prescribed sleeping pills, antihistamines, antidepressants (not all at once, they'd try one thing for a few days, then switch to something else)
A month on, there had been no further insight as to his breathing problems or sleeping, but his visits became fewer, his texts almostonly mirroring my initial contact, and he was be coming distant; not just from myself but his friends, family, colleagues. By this point I had completely changed my attitude from " he's being a dick" to "something is seriously wrong".
Then one day, at the end of an office briefing, he had to be physically carried away from where he was stood as " it was like he was made of stone" and completely unresponsive to anything/one, according to the colleagues that were present.
I asked him about it when he suddenly appeared at my house (a week and a half after the incident, in which time I hadn't seen or heard from him) and he didn't seem too perturbed about it, just that it must be due to his constant tiredness.
The week after this,he crashed a van into another vehicle.
He came by to tell me what happened, and while calm and joking, was definitely on edge.
I later found out from the guy he hit (work colleague of his, old friend of mine) that, despite the damage being minimal and nobody being hurt, he completely lost it and broke down for about 45 minutes.....despite having written off several cars over the years "coz that's what guys do".....
Two days later,he was sent to a psychiatric clinic for "further investigation and treatment".
He's now been there for 4 weeks, and FINALLY last Tuesday he was diagnosed with PTSD due to the attack in October.
I have to say, I'm terribly relieved to" know" what it is, but I'm also at my wits end with it.
My friends think I'm insane to have put up with all "the drama" (they see it as an excuse for him to treat me like an option when it suits him), to the point where I can't talk to them about him anymore without snide comments about him being a "dick", or more recently, since telling them about his diagnosis; " weak".
He, while seemingly also glad to finally have a name for what's going on with him, is less than happy with it. He "doesnt want it" and dislikes the stigma that comes with it. Meanwhile, whilst being more open and loving, is still keeping me at arms length, and while I know I shouldn't take it personally and that the diagnosis is only the start of what could be a very long potential healing process, I'm finding it all very difficult to cope with.
The man I was falling in love with has essentially been put on hold, my friends don't understand the situation (they only see my pain throughout the months, which I understand), and I just feel terribly alone in this.
The flip side is that I feel awful for feeling sorry for myself-HES THE ONE WITH PTSD, he's the one who must be suffering terribly,he's the one who's whole life has changed because of one incident for which he was not to blame.
I'm hoping I can get some support on here, apologies for the long essay....
- Post starter
- #3
D
Deleted member 1860
Its quite sad, but most of the world doesn't understand what a PTSD sufferer deals with. We are oftentimes judged harshly and given little to no slack whatsoever. I'm not saying that we are immune to any responsibility for our behavior, but at the same time, we are dealing with a monster of a disorder. And when people are in the pre-diagnosis stage, they don't know what is happening to themselves, and others, as your guy's friends have done, usually think the person is just being an arse.
I don't think he's using his PTSD as an excuse to treat you like you're an option. He's very early in his diagnosis, and his world has been turned upside down. That doesn't mean that you need to accept his behavior as given, though.
Those of us with PTSD....I don't think I'd describe any of us as "weak". People don't get PTSD because they are weak. Some of the toughest guys/women out there end up with PTSD after military deployment. It takes strength to deal with PTSD. It takes strength to hold your head high when the world throws stigma in your face. It takes strength to heal, period.
It will likely take him some time to come to terms with is new diagnosis. He has literally been dealt a life changing diagnosis. I'm not saying he won't ever heal, but he won't ever be the same person he was before the trauma. (But to be fair, none of us ever are the same person we were in the past, as life experiences are constantly changing us.)
There IS a ton of stigma out there. It is hard to learn how to handle things in a world which throws stigma your way. His old friends? I'd say they were never really friends in the true sense of the word. The truth is that we ALL go through something bad at some point. If people walk away when something bad happens, then I'd say its for the best. YES, it IS hard to be alone, but it is much easier to be alone than to be surrounded by fair weather friends who only care when you are "fine". And these "friends"...? Well, one day they will go through some sh!t of their own. People WILL walk away from them. (Its human nature.) And at that point, they may realize that its not so great to judge those who are going through a rough patch, its not so great to only have friends who don't truly care about your well being. (I've had "friends" walk away from me, so I know how hard it is.)
I think its great that you've come here and opened up. It isn't easy to be a supporter. I think that you will have to learn some coping skills of your own and find a support system of your own, whether it be a therapist, other friends, etc.
Please don't feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself! None of this is easy. Yes, he has PTSD, but that doesn't mean that you don't have needs of your own. Please make sure that you continue to take care of yourself. Make sure that you are putting your needs in the forefront. I like to use the airplane oxygen mask analogy. You know how on an airplane, you are instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others? Its the same here....you need to make sure that you take care of your own personal needs so that you can be strong and help him.
And, welcome to the forum!
Friday
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Welcome to the forums Clairbear. We have a whole supporter section you'll probably find both helpful & relieving. :)
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- #5
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
People on the "outside" don't get it... welcome to the forum :)
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