Don't Know What's Happening To Me Now

[Powder]

When left at home with my kids lately, I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me by my H. He's extra busy right now. Instead of taking this all in stride, I have had this happen several times now and need help understanding what it is:

1. Before I realize the stress levels, I get a massive headache. This adds to the already overwhelmed feeling of being left in a messy house with tons of work to do everywhere I look plus two kids and a dog not listening and making me angry and frustrated. (Usual stuff I used to be able to handle.) But with a never ending to-do list and my condition (having been ill all winter) I must have zero reserves left.

2. After the headache sets in, I feel like I'm trapped and it triggers the trauma/trapped feeling from childhood. I just can't stop crying and wishing I were dead/could escape. I don't have the time to be reacting like this. I have a ton of stuff to do for the next several weeks. I feel buried alive under stress and responsibility.

My H's answer is for me to quit my 2nd job, but we are barely surviving on the income now! I don't feel like he "gets it," either how this affects me or adult responsibility like I do. Somehow he insulates himself from the burden of it all, or it's a male thing, or a narcolepsy thing. I don't know, but if they could bottle it, I'd buy it! :)

He wishes he could find a good full-time position rather than being a full time student and co-parent to our kids, but he's tried several times and got nowhere without the degree. He's still 2 years (at least) away from a bachelor's degree. I don't know how I'm going to survive more years of this. I can barely see the point in going on. I feel like I'm a no good mom with the levels of stress I'm under now and how that goes with PTSD and lack of therapy and funds.

I just hope it gets better, but it never has before. In fact, just when I think I see hope, it gets worse. I am afraid it's all going to get worse and worse, and I will end up not being able to handle it anymore.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I'm sure you are doing just fine. Hang in there and try to challenge those bad thoughts.

 

[Leah123]

Hi Muse. I'm a mom in a similar situation. I work a ton of hours and trying to deal with a messy house and my very demanding daughter challenges me like nothing else. Sometimes, I want to run away. Far away, for good. Sometimes, I want to hide and cry. Sometimes, I yell, I get triggered and overwhelmed, without even realizing it hardly and feel like a horrid monster.

Usually, though, I do manage it, well enough. I love my daughter. For all the ways I feel..... for those times when my reserves seem to be at 0, like yours, I still could never leave, never completely fail her. I am STRONG for her, and I believe you are too, for your family. I do better than I give myself credit for. Being a mom, in the circumstances you describe would challenge anyone, and having a husband that 'doesn't get it' which is how I see mine too a lot, makes it harder. PTSD, for me, means all of those things goes from hard to over the top, impossible, it *seems* like.

I hope you find a way to release some of the stress, but I don't want to give advice. I know, for me, talking to my therapist who helped me prioritize a little more and rework my schedule, just in a very practical way helped. And I sleep terribly, so trying to focus on that at least gives me some hope of feeling better. Another huge one for me, which I neglected completely due to some family crises and working SO much, was creating time for myself. It was hard to find, but I DID find a little, and it's helped me a lot to have time to find my own voice again, to write, which I love, to take a walk, to listen to the music I like, to get a coffee, or just do anything for myself- too see myself, my own personal well-being as important, plus, to know it's a good example to set for my family.

Good luck to you!!!!!!!!!

 

[Venusian]

I know, for me, talking to my therapist who helped me prioritize a little more and rework my schedule, just in a very practical way helped.

Hi Muse,

I have been there too, a lot of years ago. My children are all grown up now and having their own children. What Leah said I couldnt have said any better. I quoted a part of her response because it is so true. Prioritizing is what helped me through. I made lists and I had to be ruthless, prioritizing what absolutely had to be done and what could slide. Making time for my children in exchange for a slightly less clean house. Making time for myself was high but I unfortunately put it into flexible list and seldom got to take it. Looking back, I should have made it a higher priority. If you are calmer, you are healthier and better able to care for your family.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Muse, must head to work but I hear you. :( I will come back to try to respond. But to let you know you have my prayers and well wishes, love and support. I wil hope for you while you can't. Big :hug: 's.

 

[Powder]

Thanks JuneBug, Leah123, Venusian, and Ash,

Still in the throws of overload, but I'm grateful, as always for your friendship here, and that at least my kids are healthy and I'm able to care for them. They seem to be doing well. I give and give because I love them so much.

I probably still could use therapy. I still don't "like" myself, despite all my best efforts. I know this is the last thing to go (shame/self hatred) for a lot of people, especially those whose own parents abandoned or hurt them.

When I look around me, I see evidence that I'm not taking care of myself as well as I think I should or as well as others. It's hard to see why exactly, or to see how to change. It's a permanent thing. I try to do things to change this, but it is deep in my ways of thinking. So deep, I don't even see it really. I've internalized my parents' aggressions. Now to let them go, and try to stand up for myself in better more caring ways.

Your words are true and guiding. Thank you for being here.

JuneBug, (hugs) you have always been the angel right here when I need it most. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Muse