Don't You See You Are Pushing Everyone Away?

[Justmehere]

A couple of key people in my life have said this to me lately.

The thing is, I don't always see in the moment how I'm pushing someone away.

All I feel is fear - don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me...

Today my therapist asked me if I could agree that not everyone who cares about me will leave. I am convinced, expectant, that they will leave. I figure it is worth it anyhow to try and have relationships. People are build for relationship. Not to be in self imposed solitary confinement. So then she asked me if I could agree that connection is important. I did agree to that. Easily.

Then I asked myself if I live like that it true.

I don't think I actually do. I think I push people away all the time. I don't mean to do it, I just want to feel safe. I really feel stupid right now, because my therapists say all the time I have so much damn insight, even "more than any of client I've ever had" (I'm not sure that is accurate or a good thing) and I don't think they see that I offen don't even know I'm pushing someone away when I am.

I'm mixed up. Anyone else struggle with this? I'm so lost. I keep asking myself, is this action of mine going to push people away or invite them to be closer with me? By pausing and asking myself this question a lot, I am finding that I really do push people away.

As I stop pushing people away in order to stay safe, the grief, the pain, is growing. By leaps and bounds.

 

[Glara]

These are almost word for word the exact same things my ex said to me before he broke it off. I wish there was something I could have said to make him feel safe with me. I hope someday you can feel safe with someone. You seem like such a kind and caring person that deserves to be loved and to be able to accept that love.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm not sure if this will help or not. I wish I could remember where I've heard this, but...have you thought of telling your friends that you don't want to push them away, but may do things that make it seem that way? In other words, asking them to let you know when you're pushing away may give you a chance to bring them closer. You could also let them know why you do it, to feel safe.

I guess all this is predicated on the idea that they know what you're struggling with, which is a big ass assumption on my part.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can I ask how you push people away?

I know I push people away. But, in my own defense, it always feel like things need to be on their terms and they don't understand that sometimes I can't do things because it is a freakin' medical issue and has nothing to do with them. I guess I'm sick of this being an invisible disorder where people can't see my symptoms until I blow up in their faces. In this sense, I feel that others are selfish. Yes, very selfish. I get sick of the "me, me, me" mentality where others aren't the least bit flexible or understanding. I don't want to be alone, but if someone can't be the least bit flexible, I rather be alone. At least I know I am a friend to myself, and someone else getting pissy because of my symptoms, well, that's not being a friend.

 

[DogwoodTree]

As I stop pushing people away in order to stay safe, the grief, the pain, is growing. By leaps and bounds.

This has been my experience as well. I push away because closeness is too freakin painful...even though it's what I want. When I try to draw nearer to people...or just let them come closer to me...my inner world starts erupting into chaos.

I think one thing I'm starting to see is that...letting people come close doesn't mean I have to let down ALL of my walls. It's okay to have layers of walls. So...I can let someone in through one layer while still keeping other, more inner layers safe behind deeper walls. Opening up one layer doesn't mean I have to be completely exposed. This is a very fresh revelation for me, so not had time to try it out much yet...it does seem to be helping some so far.

 

[Justmehere]

@Glara - thank you. I hope I can learn to stop living in so much fear and feel safe again too.

@WillyKat - that's a good idea. While most people don't know I'm struggling, or at least they don't know what I'm struggling with... The people who say I'm pushing them away do know I'm struggling. Telling them that I don't mean to push them away might really help.

@itsKismet - good question. I am not sure all the ways I push people away. I can be overly stubborn about small things, I can overly disclose 500 reasons why I'm an awful person, I can say too much or be too vague, or not ever simply accept a compliment. Or overly critical? I'm not actually sure of all the ways I push people away. In the moment, I feel like I'm trying to be safe.

Edited to add:

@itsKismet - I can relate to a lot of what you have written. It's hard because ptsd is invisible. If I was in a wheelchair, people wouldn't say that I was pushing people away because I needed to take an elevator instead of the same stairs everyone else uses.

This has been my experience as well. I push away because closeness is too freakin painful...even though it's what I want. When I try to draw nearer to people...or just let them come closer to me...my inner world starts erupting into chaos.

@DogwoodTree - I can so relate to this. Today, I wanted to tell my friend, "yeah, but if you are closer to me I will fall apart."

It is great that you are learning how to say yes and let people in, but still keep the boundaries that you need. I think I am still learning that myself.

 

[falling_wave]

Yeah I think I start thinking that the relationship is going downhill so I back away or make assumption about meanings of small things. I don't tend to get angry or visibly dependent bit I feel it all inside. What has helped is noticing what I am distancing from whether it's a certain behavior I'm reading into etc. Then even if I think I'm sure that reason I openly give the other person a chance to tell me the real reason in a non intimidating way. It's helped a lot because it's easy to build things up in my mind when I'm feeling unsafe. Then at least the facts are straight.

 

[Loris]

@Justmehere I know how you feel. Only too well. Except that no one tells me that I push people away,anymore. Because everyone is too far to notice.
I also got to the point in life,where people closest to me had hurt me so many times,that I stopped letting very many too close. I slowly backed off socially,closing doors behind me. And,sadly...some people left(my husband died last year). Until there was no one left. For a long time I only let people see the outermost layer of who I am, that felt safe. Letting people deeper,feels like real danger to me. But I have paid a price for feeling safe....isolation. It has only been in the last few months that the isolation has become painful...as you said,we humans are built for connections. I miss that. Yet,making connections, opening up, letting people see inside, exposing myself and trusting...relationships...scare the hell out of me. And I fear that I may be too broken to be able to ever experience the simple things that most people take for granted...connections,friendships,a relationship, again.
From a distance,sure.
Up close? Not so sure.
Part of me,the social,caring,loving part of who I am does not want to give up, wants to try again......but the PTSD part that wants to keep me safe,has been winning out. For now. I am working on balancing both parts.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I know how you feel all too well! I've pushed away just about everyone that has ever loved me. And I struggle a lot with forming attachments to people because I'm so afraid that they will eventually leave. That has always been one of my biggest fears for my entire life really. So I definitely understand. It's something I'm working on now, but it will take time. Time to feel safe, time to heal, and time to trust again.

All I know is that fear is one of the most powerful emotions a living-ism can experience. It can manipulate and destroy the soul. There is so much beauty in this world that is lost, overlooked, or avoided because of fear.

However, the strongest of all emotions is love. Love has the power to heal all wounds, IMO. And for me, I think I'd much rather risk being hurt, than to never experience love at all..of loving and being loved by another human being. Of allowing people to grow with me and be an integral part of my life journey. That is one of the most beautiful aspects of the human experience. And we don't have to be afraid of that anymore...

 

[Friday]

As I was reading, this song, these lyrics filled my mind. Do I push people away? Yep. In a very different manner than you do, to similar result.

Hand Me Downs - Indigo Girls

All with hope, all with hope that
Emptiness brings fullness and
Loss of love brings wholeness to us all..

Everything that I believe is wrong with you is wrong with me.
Everything I truly love I love in you and I love in me.

So give me hope, give me hope that
Emptiness brings fullness and
Loss of love brings wholeness to us all.

 

[sun seeker]

Today my therapist asked me if I could agree that not everyone who cares about me will leave. I am convinced, expectant, that they will leave.

I'm mixed up. Anyone else struggle with this?

Yup. Not exactly the same, but similar. It's my biggest trigger, one I have no idea how to even begin working on. My sense is it has to do with very early trauma during the time we are meant to be learning about secure attachment. Does that fit for you? It's so hard to know how to work on it because since it comes from a preverbal time, it seems even harder to reason with than it would be with later triggers. There have to be other ways to work on it that involve the lower brain. I'm still searching for what that might look like.

 

[Glara]

@itsKismet ironically I feel the same as you but as a supporter. I don't like the word selfish, because if I believed it were selfishness I wouldn't be waiting. But everything has to be on his terms. I don't know how it could be another way. When he broke it off it was because I got jealous when he posted a picture of another woman. He said it's a friend from many years ago, and I believe him, I have male friends that I grew up with. But what hurt is that I had t spoken to him in months. He had to have talked on the phone with her and made arrangements to pick her up at the airport etc etc, never thinking what I would think when he posted. If it were reversed I would happily explain and not get upset. Instead I got dumped. I don't think I was being selfish in feeling hurt and jealous. My feelings are real. So it's very hard to know how to feel or respond.