Drowning Slowly, But Still Breathing In The Water

[hockeygrl17]

This entire post is just ramblings of things going through my head. I would love some help sorting all of this out.

This forum is the only place I have to turn besides my husband, who is no doubt completely engulfed by this (me) as well. We moved 1300 miles (2 states) away from both of our families to get away from them. It has been one of the hardest transitions I have ever encountered. I just don't know what to do anymore. We won't be able to afford therapy or medication until January 2016. All of this is hard enough. With both of us off meds for over a month.. I just hope we can do it. I believe in the power of the mind, and that positive thinking and thankfulness goes a very long way, the only problem is that my mind is under a war, especially as of late. I haven't slept consistently well in years, and the nightmares every night, while i have become numb to those as well, it is still tough at times. I struggle with self care the most. It is amazing that I even get myself to shower once a week now. I have lost every single person I have ever called a friend, and I am literally, physically alone. I am very lucky to have my husband, but we have had major turmoil as well from the beginning of our marriage. We are both under the same wing of families that simply do not care about us, only themselves. Therefore, I am stuck. He and I both are, but he seems to be able to handle things (or at least shove them down better). I have been in therapy since I was in play therapy at age 3. I was constantly told there was something wrong with me, and now I know a different version, a more truthful version of that- that I struggle greatly to digest. I hear the therapist correcting me in my head as I type this, "only speak of yourself, not others". That, I think is one of the reasons I don't journal, besides the anger that often envelops, the flashbacks- everything starts engulfing me like I am drowning in the middle of the ocean with no assured help to rescue or comfort me, and I have no idea how to help myself, to comfort myself. I never have. I would say that is one of the hardest parts of my life. Again, currently, the other hardest part of my life has been the loneliness. No one understands why I withdraw, isolate heavily, why i don't take care of myself, why i am not social, why i don't wear make up or do my hair. No one asks. No one asks why I cannot trust them, or why I never want to go out and have fun. I don't remember if Ive ever truly had fun, or what that, and let alone happiness and joy, feels like. I am not sure most days if I want any of that either. I don't know what I want anymore. Everything that I have ever dreamed of has not come to fruition because for the last 29 years of my life I have lived a lie i did not know of. Did I choose my husband 2 years ago when we got married? Or was that a lie too? Was he just a soul that my soul recognized as similar? If you asked me what love was, I could not describe it as it is completely foreign to me. I am lost. Nothing makes sense. I don't know where to go from here. All I know is that i am fairly certain I don't want to die, I just don't know how to live, and I'm not sure I could do what is needed to live well.

-Lindsay

 

[Intrepid]

I'm trying to look at myself and my world as honestly as possible. This is hard when the flashbacks get heavy, or when I'm exploring something from my past that doesn't want to get looked at, when I'm financially strapped or when I'm in conflict with others.

I've been sinking into self abuse lately. Usually I'm mimicking to myself the ways I've been abused by others. This morning I woke up realizing how bad I'm beating up on myself. It's enough having the weight of the world on me. I really don't need to put more on it by telling myself what a piece of crap I am.

No one understands why I withdraw, isolate heavily, why i don't take care of myself, why i am not social, why i don't wear make up or do my hair.

I appreciate what you are going through. It's enough to be tumbled around by normal difficulties. To have those things in your life that no one understands makes it unbearable. Alone. Hope you can find things here on the forum that makes you feel a little less alone. I do all the time. Thank you for your honest post. It's helping me get through the morning. I don't feel so alone.

 

[Justmehere]

Moving is one of the top 10 stressors in life. Moving cross country to get away from not-so-supportive-family is even harder. That on top of the big shift in perspective, the deep pain of loneliness, and your feelings right now are really understandable. It will likely get better, but I know that doesn't help much when drowning. :( :hug:

P.S.

We won't be able to afford therapy or medication until January 2016.

Two things you can look into - anyone can call 211 from any US phone, and it will connect to the united way in your area. They have a database of resources in your area for low cost or free counseling, as well as low cost or free medical care. It may be a long shot, but it might help you and your husband get back on medications and into some kind of support sooner than after the holidays. As far as medications, check out a website called Needy Meds. It can help provide medications when there is no insurance coverage for the medications. I have used it a few times when I have had gaps in coverage. Please disregard if none of this helps in your situation.