Thanks for all the validation and support. It helps so much. I am re-reading what you all wrote and it's helping me re-ground tonight.
Feeling like I could not ever do enough to please an authority figure that I need help from is a HUGE trigger. I usually can handle it a lot better than this but this really undid me.
Just before meeting with DVR, I got the paperwork approved to have an internship program where a business school student will develop a marketing plan for this company I started. It's almost like having an employee. Yet, I'm not making enough progress? I did this all on my own, sent them copies of all the approvals from the school, and somehow they still think I'm not making enough progress? Then shit. I never could be good enough for them.
What I am beginning to realize is maybe that is more about them and less about me. Maybe this is ok. Maybe I don't need their dysfunctional BS in my life. Maybe this isn't about me being good enough or not.
Everything in me is still screaming at me though that I can't be good enough and horrible things will happen... ugh. old family-related trauma message.
So for right now.... Can you keep yourself safe? Can you work on self soothing and grounding? Push everything else aside and do whatever it takes to put yourself in a better place. You are what's most important right now.
I've been focusing on this a lot.
My psychiatrist called, while I was sitting on the floor holding ice and a cup of warm tea with classical calming music on... and sobbing and shaking uncontrollably and trying to resist the urge to throw my cup across the room. I couldn't tell her what happened or what I was upset about other than "I was dealing with a government bureaucracy for 5 long hours today, after months of investment, and years of being on a waiting list - at the end of the day today, they emailed me to tell me that they closed the case" and she responded "oh God, that would make me cry and fall apart too." That made me smile. And cry. She didn't ask for more details as I started to cry like a fool all over again. She told me to take some Vistaril on top of the Ativan I already took to keep calming my system down. I hate using medication to calm down. I took the medication and crawled into bed. I'm up again and this time, grounding and is actually working more. She told me to focus on calming down my nervous system and deal with whatever happened later... like next week.
I worked so hard to make this work. Something in me really wanted to be good enough, and not in an adult way. Ugh. STUPID INNER KID. All this feels so much like my family. They asked me to do so many things and if only I did them, then they would help with my homework or throw me a birthday party or whatever.... only to do it all the best I could and to be told, NOPE, I could never be good enough to get those things. Stupid (justmehere).
But I am not that kid anymore and I'm not in my crazy abusive family. DVR sucks and screwed me over. So fine. They are gone. I will get over the loss eventually. I'll file a small claims case against them for what I paid to get the evals done that they requested and never followed through on paying for. Eh. Maybe not. I don't need any more crazy in my life than I have already had to endure, irregardless of whatever help they kept dangling in front of me only to yank away.
I don't know what more I could have done to make more progress and they didn't say either... I want to scream. No, mostly I want to stop crying and feeling like the world ended. Geez. It's just stupid DVR.
My thoughts are a mess.I probably sound like I'm being crazy or irrational or drugged as I ramble on, but it is helping me stay clam(er) to write this out. How can I be this drugged up and still shaking and fighting tears as I type? Thank you for the patient support and all the validation. It feels like I am able to back up a little more from this all as I read what everyone has written. Thank you deeply.
