Dying Dad Wants To Come Out-need Advice

[joeylittle]

Worst case scenario - they might see a man that's high, that they don't like. That's going to set them up for a lifetime of pain? Sheesh! That's only the worst case scenario. There are good ones as well. Don't count on the worst.

Honestly, @imok, you cannot know what would or would not affect the kid. Meeting a relative you have never seen before as a one-time deal before they die - not knowing what else is going on in that 9 year old's mind at all - you can so confidently predict that things won't turn sour?

I agree, counting only on the worst will never help anyone. Neither will counting on the best. Realistic assessment, that's it. Dying does not give anyone extraordinary privilege - Death is a big deal, and yes, it makes some kind of moral sense to me, to really consider one's decisions when it involves someone dying, because you're looking at last chances, no do-overs.

But: you can't know how meeting him will affect @Ghostybear73's 9-year old. However it's handled, there is some handling that needs to happen there.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

My comment was in response to someone else's comment. Reread it please. These kids will not be 'set up up for a life time of pain', after meeting someone. Read carefully. Key words 'lifetime of pain'. Things can go sour, but you're blowing this out of proportion. I CAN confidently say that their lives won't be ruined and that they won't carry 'a lifetime of pain' like their mom or some of us. Yes, i am confident.
There are no last chances or do-overs. There are however opportunities for things that need to be said- on both sides. Opportunities for many things. Apologies, many words that need to be spoken, maybe. Hopefully some words of healing. Who knows? One can only hope.
'However it is handled, there needs to be some handling'. Wow.
Ghosty sounds reasonably intelligent. I'm sure she won't take her children into a dangerous situation, she'll figure it out.
Let us know how it turns out. I am realistic, and I choose to hope for the best.

 

[joeylittle]

I CAN confidently say that their lives won't be ruined and that they won't carry 'a lifetime of pain' like their mom or some of us. Yes, i am confident.

By saying 'go sour', I should have been more specific. I meant, the situation could go sour, resulting in something that, yes, could cause pain for a lifetime. You don't know the child. We are arguing hypothetically - but unless you have a working crystal ball, you just cannot know.

I'm sure she won't take her children into a dangerous situation, she'll figure it out.

Absolutely agree.

'However it is handled, there needs to be some handling'. Wow.

Yes, in response to your:

Ghost you would be in no way 'betraying your children' or forsaking them for goodness sake. Your kid won't become attached in a short time, especially if she knows he won't be around. Children are smarter than that. Ask a therapist. Your younger one is beyond that level already.

Which reads to me like 'the kid will be fine, don't worry about how she deals with it'.

I just think I got a nerve pushed, to be honest. I met my uncle once. I was ten. I knew he existed, I knew we didn't talk about him. He came over to our house and spent the afternoon. We were all supposed to interact with him, it was strange, he was strange, and then it was over. Something pretty unexpected happened a few days later and he was gone, off the map, never to be seen again. He had a psychotic break, he was institutionalized, eventually he was released (after about 20 years), and now he lives (if he's still alive) somewhere off the grid up north.

What we were told? "Your uncle B was really depressed, and it made him go crazy". My parents were not the sharpest tools in the shed, I don't know if they knew exactly how depressed I was, even at that age. But I ended up with a real solid reason to never put the word 'depression' next to my name, ever. And those thoughts we form as kids, they can stick. I can vouch for that.

I cry, sitting here writing about it. Yep, it's painful. Is it the worst pain I've felt in my life? No. Do I have the capacity to process it and move on? Surely - there are just bigger things I'm trying to manage right now. Do I wish I'd never met him? Yes. I'm glad my father got to see his brother, I am glad of that.

Is Ghosty's child identical to me? No. Is the situation identical? No. But in this case, personally, I believe it's totally appropriate for Ghosty to be considering her child's needs as greater than the needs of her father. And it might be good for her child to meet him, how the heck do I know? I don't.

That's all.

 

[Sammyiam]

@imok
I'm sorry for ruffling any feathers out there but what I meant was ghosty has carried a life time of pain. I am not very good with words and have had a very hard few days struggling myself at the moment and are having trouble thinking very clearly. I don't think it needed to be made such a big thing. I was only trying to support my friend ghosty and I'm sorry if I have caused anyone harm. I will leave this to the rest of you that are thinking more clearly than myself.

I'm sorry

Sammy

 

[Ghostybear73]

@imok, I appreciate your input and advise, but you obviously are biased in some way and being hurtful is not the way to go. Thank you for your input, now if you don't have anything nice to say anymore, go away.

Ghosty

 

[ghotiff]

I personally don't like the idea of a young girl meeting someone for the first time who is known that they are about to die. Death is difficult to deal with, particularly as a child. Given your complicated relationship you will have your own version of grief to manage when he dies, so I think keeping her out of being personally in this emotional loop is a good idea.

A potential comprimise....can your child be doing something that your father can watch, but not interact with her. Eg watching her at a soccer match. Then you could have a friend take her home after so she does not have to risk interacting with him.

Just thoughts. Go with your gut.

 

[littlelostchild]

My thoughts go to one question:
What benefit will your daughter gain from meeting this dying stranger?
I know it sounds harsh, but when you come down to it, that is what he is, except that he shares DNA, right?

 

[Ghostybear73]

@littlelostchild Those are the things I'm considering. I think it would be different if she has met him before, but she hasn't and you're right, all they share is DNA. She has a grandmother that was deceased before she was born, never met her and is doing just fine. I think this will be the same.

I've decided not to let him visit.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

No, you do not ask a kid in grade 4 about such an adult matter and decision, or any other adult decisions f...

@imok makes it all too simple, potentially laying a needless guilt trip on @ghosty. Respecting the dying is one thing, and denying the dying a last wish is serious, but ghosty needs to weigh all the repercussions.

Your father did not participate in your life or allow you to participate in his? And now he wants participation by everybody? Whatever the circumstances of his long time absence, he sounds like a stranger, and maybe should be thought of as such.

Question is, "What are the consequences, one way or another?"

I do suggest at least setting boundaries for any meeting--a neutral meeting place, a time limit, and a firm agreement that if things turn ugly, the meeting is over..