Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[garden]

@ihateusernames that's so good to hear :). It's awesome to observe the positives in our lives, and to take note of the teeny tiny signs that say we are healing, and we have been healing, despite all the negatives that we face being ptsd sufferers.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Tanishq I never considered myself as having attachment problems as a kid. Rather, the attachment problems I had as a young child were issues of becoming disproportionately attached to people I felt drawn to as mentors in an inappropriately short time span. I would become intensely, obsessively attached to figures I saw as potential mentors, usually teens and young adults. I was always craving physical affection as a child (I was a big hugger), and this lasted until I was about 13.

Throughout my teen and now my young adult years, I still have a problem with idolizing older people I see as mentors, but I am more likely to behave very coldly and professionally toward them. I have learned not to touch people at all, and I now dislike hugs (receiving but especially giving them). I shake hands. I never begin correspondence with "dear" unless I have very deep affection and am comfortable with the person. I have a huge amount of trouble saying "I love you," no matter how true it is, to anyone except my partner (and dogs... And, oddly, my disabled clients), including family members.

I tend to put up a very cold front to people, even dear friends (with the exception of my childhood friend, although we are increasingly less physical). People put their arm around me and I stiffen like a caught animal, or I lean away with a nervous, tittering laugh.

I'm not quite sure what early attachment has to do with this odd evolution of behavior. Has anyone else pulled a 360 turn like this?

Edited to add: I was notably not affectionate at all with my parents. I was always alternately disgusted and extremely jealous of children who were.

 

[ihateusernames]

@Simply Simon I don't know what any of it means in relation to attachment disorders, but your post-13-year old self sounds a whole lot like me. I feel uncomfortable using the word, but yeah, idolizing certain people, mainly older males. Being standoffish and distant, hating physical affection except with romantic partners, my husband, and now my son. I absolutely hate when people put their arm over my shoulder or their hand on me somehow. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Same with I love yous. Outside of my immediate household I never initiate them and almost always feel uncomfortable reciprocating. I can't even remember the last time I said I love you to my mom, and it's possible I've never said it to my sister.

I only have scattered memories of the years up to 13 and can't remember whether or not I was affectionate or anything. I sort of remember family get-togethers as a child and not recoiling from hugs and things like I do now. But I can't pinpoint when or why that changed. What I do remember, is always wanting to be very close to my mother, of wanting to be hugged or to have her braid my hair, leaning on her while watching television, etc.

So that does kind of sound like a complete turnaround. I don't know what any of it means, though.

 

[Chava]

Along these lines my therapist says I have sort of "default" settings in forming connections, based on how my parents treated me. It's possible to work around some, but I'm finding incredibly depressing at times with more awareness of how deep these "defaults" are.

(edit)

Attachment issues can include becoming overly or disproportionately attached, like attached to strangers or idolizing people disproportionately. I'm not sure since I haven't studied the concept much, but it might fall somewhere into anxious or disorganized patterns. And as mentioned, does not indicate a separate disorder necessarily (especially in adults) but there is a connection between PTSD and attachment problems, likely because poor attachment is a already a set up for lacking safety and balanced regulation.

I used to idolize mentor types...when younger it was sort of like a fantasy family sometimes....imagining I had someone that really cared about me and was interested in me, like a teacher. But not outwardly clingy---felt more internally in this imaginary connection world. I am guilty of sending way to many e-mails to my therapist and needing reassurance, but then having a hard time even looking at her when I'm actually in her presence...I can easily just go into a bubble. This feels like the disorganized stuff.

For the most part I'm avoidant of all connection. In most situations I come across as aloof and unapproachable and that's hard to change because I learned how to show no need or feelings...and I am also protecting what I don't know how to deal with. I don't actually feel okay with someone being interested in me, even if I think that would be nice.

I have a hard time with the middle ground that makes it possible to connect...so anyone can even get to know me even a little.

 

[Tanishq]

@Simply Simon I don't think older people will be mentors only towards you. They can be your friends, elder people, too. I can see where this issue is stemming from.

 

[Tanishq]

I'm happy to say that I somehow overcame that because my daughter displays signs of secure attachment around both me and my husband.

I have different take on this. I would say your daughter is well bonded with you and your husband. So good to see this Lewa. Happy for you. :)

 

[ihateusernames]

but it might fall somewhere into anxious or disorganized patterns

This is how I interpreted it, too, as fitting mostly the disorganized category.

 

[Lucycat]

My T asked me this week how I know feel about the poor attachment I have with my mother. I replied that it is fine. He then suggested that it is ok to see my mother as a friend instead of the traditional mother figure. That makes perfect sense to me. I can't make her love me or express any affection. But now I believe that to be ok.

He told me that he speaks with his mother every week and sees her at least once a month. By contrast I speak with my mother every 4-6 weeks and see her once a year. But I do have friends that I have similar amount of contact with, so my friend-mother sound right.

 

[ms spock]

My psychiatrist said I have a severe attachment disorder - I made a joke about that I had a severe attachment disorder and she said well it is true.

I had very little emotional regulation and grounding until last Friday when things shifted for me.

 

[RussH]

hold tough Ms Spock.

 

[ms spock]

***nods to Russ, and holds tough***

 

[RussH]

we are standing with you dear lady.