Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[RussH]

Everyone on this site is dealing with some kind of trauma, and we are all here seeking answers to questions, or other people who get us.
I am asking that all keep this in mind, and keep your comments to one another civil, constructive and respectful. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I experience a similar dichotomy of approaches to relationships, @Changeling.[/QU...

Non important I can do ok. Important ones the attachments are skewed. Or as in another post easy for prey. So then isolate then connect. Bad cycle. How to break that?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hello friends, OP speaking. I've taken a bit of a break from this thread and am sorry to see it in t...

Not my fault, i didnt 'hijack' your thread, all i did was answer your question as to what is attachment disorder per my experiences and the very indeprh discription my therapist gave of it and then replies to me sparked a conversation.

DESIPTE what others may think, even though my memory stops at age 6 or 7, i wasnt a virgin, my dad was always phsycially, mentally & emotionally abusive & was physically & emofiinally absent and at age 6 or 7 i wasnt a virgin so i could have attachment disorder based on my THERAPIST!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Everyone on this site is dealing with some kind of trauma, and we are all here seeking answers to questions, or other people who get us.
I am asking that all keep this in mind, and keep your comments to one another civil, constructive and respectful. Thank you.

Agreed! Thank you for MOD the site!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Attacking people because you feel a betrayal or reprimanded is not a great thing to do,

Really? Im not the one that attacked; i was accused of hijacking a thread when all i did was post a reply to answer the OPs question, someone replied, i replied to them, they replied back and it turnes into a conversation. A conversation takes more than one. Why isnt any of the other people being accused of that? And a conversation or even taking a thread off fopic isnr againat the rules anyway.

Additionally i was accused of brushing Mit off when i didnt and the end part of my reply to him shows i did. Amd then told Mit jad more right in this thread than me. Whom was attacked? I was simply standing up for myself

And if my story or parts of it defines theead hacking than get used to it and if people cant, i go back to this isnt the place for me.

This is a mental health forum and i try to gage someone's menral and emotional state, and if i think something is "harsh" as she stated, i dont say it or take it into messages.

Understanding and mutual respect and remembering this IS a mental health forum!

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Perhaps. Eye of the beholder. Deleted rest of my response because going back in time doesn't help. I don't think you have had intent to attack anyone at same time there comes a point where it's on you to quiet down your amygdala and come back around when people can be talking to you and not your fight or flight feelings. I say that with all due respect. I don't want to and am not going to apologize fifty times for the same perceived offense. Next time you directly address or quote me with the same issue, that's what my silence means.

Understanding and mutual respect and remembering this IS a mental health forum!

True and true. We all have mental health issues revolving around trauma and you are not the first nor the last to wig out. The more time you can take to sit with it however uncomfortable, the more chance for growing and learning from your own triggers.

Full disclosure my own amygdala is not doing so great so going to tend to that best I can.

 

[Mit]

I'm sorry my post caused a reaction, last thing I would have wanted.

@lostforgottensoul and @Chava - I very much appreciate that you both made the effort to reply and offer insightful thoughts and guidance.

As long as you werent abuse in your adoptive home, i always tell adoptees to think of it this way, you were wanted by your adoptive parents

I think you'll find very many adoptees already do think this way, I do and always have.

But before adoption there has to be abandonment, often for the very best of reasons.....but try explaining that to a young child. Like many adoptees I was told I was 'lucky'. lucky to be adopted at all, lucky to be adopted by loving parents, even luckier because I was five and it's harder to place older children, lucky that adoptive parents were found for me, despite my medical problems and the on-going need for hospitalisation and repeated surgery. I didn't feel lucky, but I couldn't tell anyone that.

So when I was a young boy and I thought wouldn't it have been nice to have been wanted, kept by my biological parents, I felt guilty. When I fantasised about being with my biological parents, and created extensive fantasies about a different life with them, I thought I am being ungrateful. When I wished I knew what my biological parents were like, what they looked like, were they tall or short (like me..) etc. I felt disloyal. Of course adoptees want to feel grateful for finding love with a new family, but that doesn't remove the fact that they were given up in the first place, so how do they mourn that loss if they are only allowed to be grateful for being adopted? I am conflicted by these emotions and always have been.

It has taken me until my fifties to resolve to find out about my adoption - because for all these years I felt it would be disloyal to my adoptive parents to do so. It's a common feeling amongst adoptees. But the yearning to know something of my history has always been there.

I didn't join this forum because of an attachment disorder. It has come up in conversation with a therapist, as we sought to address what I believed were the primary causes of my issues. I started having surgeries when I was three, and it upsets me to think of a young child spending lots of time in hospital, in pain and distress with no parents, no primary care giver, to comfort them, or even just visit. The therapist believes being given up, spending time in care and being adopted made me more vulnerable to future trauma. It's a theory at least....

@Chava The Van der Kolk paper is really very helpful. Thank you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm sorry my post caused a reaction, last thing I would have wanted.

Your post caused no such thing so dont feel that way. It was a very welcomed post! :hug:

When I fantasised about being with my biological parents, and created extensive fantasies about a different life with them, I thought I am being ungrateful.

Not ungrateful at all. I have once helped someone track down biological parents as most want to know where they came from, why they were gave up.

Weird fact, i actually fantizied of being adopted, and actually still play a movie out in my head that someone 'saves' me from my "house of hell" and raises me on their own. So you and are a bit a like :)

No doubt though that it caused early attachment issues. Some that i cant relate to as im not addopted but i think i may be able to relate to a few things, like as a young child i dont remember being hugged or loved in any way, so when someone tried to show me affection i didnt want it and because i was often ignored i would create drama to try to get some attention. I remember at 8, praying to god, whom ever that is, to take me to be with him.

Today my attachment or connection issues are around sexual matters but if say like my dad hugs me, if feels really weird. I always feel bad about that. I just in recent years could say "i love you" back and thats because his 74 and if he dies before i see him again, i want him to know that i really do love him.

Im sure you struggle with additional things and like my past, being adopted has its own 'special needs'.

If i missed this, i appologize. Do you have a therapist? I ask cuz without one it might be hard to navigate some of these early issues and current emotions.

Im glad you already think this way, as some dont, and it causes a lot more issues when they arent at least geateful that their adoptive non-abusive parent(s) adopted them. It is not wrong to want to know where you biologically come from, its natural. Human nature wants to know biological roots etc and most want to meet their biological parents and if that day comes (if it hasnt already) there isnt anything to feel bad over.

Does your adoptive parents know that you want to know who your biological parents are? They might be able to help. If they arent open to it; thats ok; you've still done nothing wrong by wanting to know.

Im sorry if my first reply to made you feel i was 'brushing you off' as that wasnt my intention of the reply. :hug:

 

[Mit]

Im sorry if my first reply to made you feel i was 'brushing you off' as that wasnt my intention of the reply.

Thanks, and please don't worry. Sometimes I think we are all walking on egg shells and we all need a bit of extra TLC from time to time, I certainly do.

No my adoptive parents don't know I'm searching. After all this time I would feel I was letting them down, and I feel guilty, so I can't bring myself to tell them. When they adopted me they told me my father had died in a car accident, whereas his name doesn't appear on my birth certificate, which is odd, if my biological parents were married. I suspect my mum got pregnant very young, an unmarried mother? It's likely my adoptive parents made up the story about my biological father out of a kindness, to protect the feelings of a young recently adopted boy. I wouldn't want to embarrass them by revealing I had discovered this story wasn't true. I feel it's kinder to them to keep my search secret.

I have been seeing a therapist, but I only have one session left, so I will navigate this with the support and help of you kind and supportive folk on this forum.

Weird fact, i actually fantizied of being adopted

Ironically it's something a lot of children do, even when in stable families, so I've read.

Today my attachment or connection issues are around sexual matters

And from what you have described of your childhood it really is very understandable. You mentioned in a previous post being aroused by the thought, or memory of being abused. Well I do the same, but in my case it was medical treatments that triggered these behaviours (this might sound weird....who am I kidding, it is weird!..... all is explained in my intro if you want to know more). There are some brilliantly helpful threads here in which people share about this type of thing. I know because I have read and contributed to them. You might gain some solace from discovering that you are far from being alone in having these types of uncomfortable thoughts, I found them in the sexual assault and PTSD (anonymous) forums. I hope this helps.

Best wishes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

After all this time I would feel I was letting them down, and I feel guilty, so I can't bring myself to tell them.

Not telling them is your choice, of course, and i respect that and why. But dont allow it to make you feel guilty. You, like every other adopted person ive met and/or talked to, wants to know where they biologically came from. I actually got to be a sort of 'private eye' once when someone asked me to help them find their bio parents through the internet. Knowing what i know, i was able to find them, but not all want to meet the bio parent(s) but at some point they all/most want to know. I mean, what if, god forbid, you come across a time that its medically necessary for you to know? My step sister whom was adopted by her step dad ay age 2, is going through this now...medical i mean. She knows who her bio father is but he's not giving her the necessary medical info she needs. But my point is, whether necessary or just out of being curious of where you came from, its human nature to want to know and you shouldnt feel guilty or feel like you're letting your adoptive parents down, you're not.

in my case it was medical treatments that triggered these behaviours (this might sound weird....who am I kidding, it is weird!.....

I dont think thats weird, at all. I had and still sometimes have sexual thoughts of my regular medical doctor and would visualize a certian female examine that at age 34 have only had twice, and though the procedure it self didnt cause me any sexual thoughts at all or any other feeling but fear, it was afterwards, days later. I had convinced him to do the examine even though they dont do those at that office because i was feeling safe(er) with him and i knew i wouldnt of gone anywhere else to have it done. My therapist had refered me to him. Unfortantly he has left the practice to work as an MD at the VA, likely the new VA hospital we have here and all the doctors that took his place are female; and females terrify me so i might have to look for another MD...but anyways. My point is, i dont find that weird at all. Its not a huge leap from a Dr to medical procedure. Maybe some medical procedure went sexual when you were real young? Another reason one might want to find their bio parent(s).

You might gain some solace from discovering that you are far from being alone in having these types of uncomfortable thoughts, I found them in the sexual assault and PTSD (anonymous) forums. I hope this helps.

It does and thank you so very much!

 

[Chava]

But before adoption there has to be abandonment, often for the very best of reasons.....but try explaining that to a young child.

I wasn't adopted but two of my best friends were, and simply based on what I have also learned about attachment it has nothing to do with providing the right explanation. Wonderful if a child at any age finds love within an adoptive home. But the earliest attachment to that primary caregiver is not a cognitive thing at all. It's purely built into our basic development at a neurological or neuro-affective level. Actually being able to validate the feelings of loss or disconnection has helped my friends look at some of their deep and confusing beliefs about themselves.

@Simply Simon sorry some of this went south. I really appreciate the topic too. I can remember some traumas, and sort of where I hit the edge (woke up after first assault as a teen and knew I was "done"...first of many suicide attempts within the next few days). But even before some of the stuff I remember I was deeply isolative and also self-destructive by the time I was teenager. Even how my mom treated me didn't seem to make sense because my siblings were not cutting themselves up (they were just cold and aloof, but not self-destructive).

Many trips to the psych ward just made me feel more isolated and alien because nobody could really tell me what was wrong. One dumbshit psychiatrist even said it didn't makes sense because I was smart and pretty...why would I destroy myself? But working with my current therapist and books like Heller's (early trauma) help everything make sense. This is turn helps me accept some difficult parts of myself and look at how/where I can work on changes or move forward. It also helps me see that where I struggle is not because I'm a failure or a f*ck-up...but where I never learned to begin with, or was actually instinctively self-protective long ago as I was developing into a little human. But those deep patterns also hold me back. It's hard after a whole life to relearn different ones.

The early trauma and attachment stuff helps me so much on this level of understanding, acceptance, and even a tiny shred of self compassion sometimes. I can't even really put into words how freeing it felt to have this stuff explained and validated by my therapist and experts like Laurence Heller.

Anyway, thanks for the topic and place to share.

 

[Gucci]

But before adoption there has to be abandonment, often for the very best of reasons.....but try explaining that to a young child. Like many adoptees I was told I was 'lucky'. lucky to be adopted at all, lucky to be adopted by loving parents, even luckier because I was five and it's harder to place older children, lucky that adoptive parents were found for me, despite my medical problems and the on-going need for hospitalisation and repeated surgery. I didn't feel lucky, but I couldn't tell anyone that

Adoption, no matter at what age, is a domain rife with attachment issues. I was left with an aunt and uncle between the ages of 1.5 and 3, then reunited with my parents (they'd emigrated) whom I no longer recognised. It was an initial abandonment by my parents, then a 2nd abandonment by my surrogate parents (aunt and uncle) and basically a 3rd abandonment by my biological parents who received me with a third sibling and 13 months later, a 4th and final child. They were utterly unable to attune to me and so began the descent. There's no question in my mind that my attachment issues originated in this original rupture.

I know a single woman who adopted a 7 week old infant several years ago. I've often wondered how she will navigate when her adopted daughter eventually asks about her biological family, especially since the child has siblings (that kind of freaks me out) and is of a different ethnic origin than the adoptive mum (the child was given up due to economic stress). I can't imagine trying to explain to a child why they were given up to begin with, no matter how 'lucky' they may have been to have landed with a loving adoptive mother who will devote herself to the happiness of this child. (The issue of no adoptive father is another matter...)

There are adopted children who adjust well and whose adoptive parents support their need to either contact birth parents or find out details. For adopted children who are then abused, the losses are compounded to infinity.