Early Memories Question

[KeepingTime]

I have what I know is a memory trying to surface. I don't have clear distinct "parts" but very high on the dissociative scale.

But I really feel like "I" really do not have access to this memory. It's something I have started to talk about in T but have no memory of. I apparently mentioned reading a certain book and am very young in the memory. Maybe 3 or 4. T is trying to have me look at and read that same book just to try to bring it out slowly. and it is just causing so much anxiety and dissociation but I truly feel like it is not "MY" memory. Is it just possible that it's either just too young to have the right words? Or that it may just never come out?

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Dissociation is a tricky bugger and not enough focus has been placed on it by those who control the funding for research
People seem to think if you have "parts" that are the keepers of certain events/memories then you have separate personalities and that means "Sybil" or "not in touch with reality/really crazy" or you are highly imaginative and just looking for escape.
Now some of the parts I have which I've become aware of do feel separate from me. But no one has ever done anything like Tara (show on one of the cable channels)
I can't deliberately talk to anyone and know I'll get a reply. But I think it's possible. Maybe you shouldn't push too hard focusing on the memory
IMHO that memory is not your memory "right now"
It belongs to another part of you
Take some time to get yourself. Write on paper and invite others to write if they want to. Keep writing and tell yourself you are grown up and your own protector.
If you start writing and it doesn't feel like you just go with it and see what happens. Of course discuss with T.

 

[Thinkbig]

For what it's worth, I don't understand why your T would want you to 'gently' try and force a memory. It has been so SO helpful to try and make peace with that inner child that I have FIRST. I also am high on the dissociative scale and actually have had a hard time believing it at all. But I know of times I have been so cruel to her (me) which is actually just self hatred.

 

[Sideways]

This may be unhelpful, because it's the exact opposite of what has been offered above:bag:

I don't believe that necessarily every last jot of detail needs to come out, but at some point, I think the painful memories that we've been protecting ourselves do need to surface at some point so that we can finally process the pain and put it behind us.

I had a T do similar work with me. And I can tell you it took a loooong time. But the approach was similar, and designed to slowly access that hidden part of my brain in a way that my inner child felt safe with (reading a book is safe, the stuff beyond it isn't, so you start with the safe stuff). Eventually, my inner child gradually gave me access to more and more. It was a scary process for both of us and, yes, painfully slow, but we got there without my inner child completely losing her chops. Now it's out, and I'm working on putting it in the "processed" box of memories that I can now file away properly.

 

[Thinkbig]

This may be unhelpful, because it's the exact opposite of what has been offered above:bag:

I don...

Hmm...this makes sense. To gradually try and cultivate that association. I am still learning the compassion part...so hard.

Are there any other ways that you care to share about working with your inner child? I guess I always saw it as digging for memories before they were ready but your talking about working on the relationship itself. That's good!

 

[Sideways]

@Thinkbig - the T I was working with was crazy experienced, but you know, I think there wasn't much magic to it. You know when you start out with your T, you spend a whole heap of time chatting about BS, soft stuff that creates a relationship with your T and trust before you start getting too deep? I think it's pretty much the same process - getting the inner child feeling safe enough with the T and the whole talking thing to gradually start going deeper. The reason that your head is keeping those memories stashed away is because it's always been safer that way, so if you want to bring them out and process them, you have to convince that part of your head that it's safe to deal with it now.

 

[Powder]

if you want to bring them out and process them, you have to convince that part of your head that it's safe to deal with it now.

Very important points from @Ragdoll Circus

This part caught my attention.

For me, this has been inverted.

The memory fragments have always wanted to surface, but I was not convinced that I could process them. I had to see how strong I actually am before I knew it was safe to feel all those terrible things and process all that happened.

I also had to know I wouldn't be abandoned in the process.

That's just how it's felt to me so far.

BUT, I think that down the line, this other side of the relationship where I do some of the coaxing, may come into play more. Don't know.

 

[KeepingTime]

Apparently I'm having a harder time "KeepingTime" lately than I thought. Lol
Having trouble keeping up with what day it is.
thank you all for sharing your experience and insight.
@Alice.in.Wonderland I think you are right it's not my memory "right now" but something has brought a portion to the surface aka my awareness so now I have to do something with it.

@Thinkbig i know I'm not very nice to whoever it is inside..my inner child...a little. I can't seem to grasp the concept of comforting "her"

@Ragdoll Circus I actually can really relate to your post.
I have been with this t for a combined 15+ years we didn't start any trauma work until many years into the process. We've only just recently started dealing with the really young memories. Yes it is a very slow process. Some of this "I" have already discussed in part with no memory of it. I hate that he knows stuff that I don't. He says that it doesn't do me any good to do that in a dissociated state so Its almost like he's trying to bring me right up to the point that I "exit" and bring me back. Sometimes it's just a couple of words at a time. It does tend to bring up tidbits to the surface.
I guess that means that whoever the memory holder is inside must trust my T. Just having a hard time letting me in.

BUT what I was wondering is have any of you ever actually had trouble putting words to a memory? Like because you were too young to know the right words? Cause that's almost what it feels like. And I have apparently said to T "I don't know the words" we assumed I was talking about the book I was trying to read but I wonder if I really CANT put words to this memory.

 

[Sideways]

@KeepingTime - yup, totally. Fractured memories from when I was 4, even stuff I can see in my mind and feel on my body, are often reduced to statements like "I don't like it" or "it's yucky" when I try to verbalise what's happening in my head:O_o:

 

[KeepingTime]

@KeepingTime - yup, totally. Fractured memories from when I was 4, even stuff...

I think this could even possibly be the memory of the "first" time. Not sure if that is significant nor how I know that but possible.