Eerie Confirmation

[sun seeker]

It's kind of funny how the confirmation in the picture I wrote about didn't have any emotional impact on me. I just took it in as a fact. A friend has been pointing out to me lately how I sometimes describe things as logical problems and leave out any mention of emotion. When I am feeling, I feel WAY too much and become flooded. Guess I give myself some contrast at other times by shutting down completely. Maybe that's why I'm posting this - trying to get myself to feel something. I don't know.

 

[sun seeker]

What I think I would be feeling, if I could: irony and contempt for my parents who painted such a rosy picture of my perfect childhood, when something entirely the opposite was going on, compartmentalized in a part of my brain that held onto it for decades until it was safe to remember. Yes, I can feel that a little. And then they had the nerve to imply there was something wrong with ME for not being able to cope with life better than I have. f*ckers. I survived what most could not even imagine, and they blamed it on me that I didn't do even better.

 

[Bloomy]

I can reckognice this about leaving out the emotional impact. But isnt that logical? I mean according to what we had to survive? We needed to bury our emotions in order to get through it all as best as we could no? And also to feel something was out of place at that time cause the abuser and the situation demanded for us to serve others needs and there was no room for ours? And dont you think that this is the reason why we feel overflooded when we first do feel something?

A child that needs to focus all his or hers mind on surpressing reality and to dissociate what actually happens will have an affected brain and also there by affected memories isnt it? I mean according to the furniture you talk about? I also wonder - without wanting to press you - if something happend there that made your mind reshuffle where they were?

Sorry if I seems confused sunseeker.

 

[Bloomy]

Sunseeker - i can remember the pattern on the carpet on the floor cause I needed to focus on this at times in order to not focus on the unpleasent things going on.

I feel you. The same here. They put the blame on me. And now my foster daughter recently went through the same. That dead beat sucker of a dad she has blamed all the shit he put her through on her. And I know aht a great girl she actually is. How willing she is to cooperate and to sort of problems that might arise. I know for fact it has not a god damn thing to do with her as it didnt have with you nor me. The sins of the parents that they try to transmite on every one else instead of them selves. And thats and extra burden they try to make us carry.

Im glad you get angry. Anger is good and its rightful in such cases.

 

[sun seeker]

I also wonder - without wanting to press you - if something happend there that made your mind reshuffle where they were?

Well, that was what I wondered at first: was how I was remembering it symbolic of how backwards life was at the time? Which would have made perfect sense given the nature of the abuse. Life really was backwards.

But from the picture, now I see that it was actually backwards.

 

[rosey]

Oh shit........... Until I just wrote this right now I never even thought to ask why they had a camea......

@Bloomy are you ok?

 

[sun seeker]

i can remember the pattern on the carpet on the floor cause I needed to focus on this at times in order to not focus on the unpleasent things going on.

Thank you for sharing this. Hmm... this makes me wonder about my seemingly unreasonable fear of certain objects in my bedroom. Why those objects? I hadn't thought of that. Uggh.

So sorry that happened to your foster daughter. Glad she has you to validate her at least!

 

[rosey]

I have done lot of reading up on memory and it is very common for those who have sufffered trauma especially csa to recall very specific things such as room layouts, patterns etc of the things around them but not remember specifics about the actual acts.

I cant recall any words that were said to me but i could still tell u exact room layouts.

 

[Bloomy]

Dont worry about her. My daugher is doing great today and she is my pride and joy and reason for living. Sounds weird but I think it happend to her so that I could become her mom and parent instead of that dead beat dad she have and also cause I cant have my own kids due to what Ive survived. I know now my life would not have been the same with out her - my ray of sunlight. It paid to be there for her all this time to see her through and see her blossom as she do today.

I know the reason why I fear certain objects is cause of this.

And you know the weirdest of all sunseeker? I have total amnesia about mother and sister. If I meet them on the street I would never reckognice them. I mean - I grew up with them. I spent 30 years of my life with them. And then now I cant event reckognize them f they stand in front of me? Im guessing that Im so fearful of them that my mind protectas me and block them out of my memory.

One summer I went trough a park and some one called me. I could hear on the voice and the tone that this person calling would know me well. Looking around to see where the voice came from I saw this woman I couldnt seem to remember who was. But went to talk to her since she insisted on calling on me. So we are talking and my mid is churning. She talked to me so familar like she new me and family so well but I could not for bare life remember who this woman was? I had to leave her cause it became embaressing.

Then some days later it dawed to me. Its my so called sister! And I grew up with her. I should know who she is then? But no - I dont remember any of them any more. My mind is blank. Present me to the woman who gave birth to me and "raised me" I wouldnt even know that this is the person I spent half of my life with.

 

[Bloomy]

@rosey Ive read the same and its the person trying to distract it self from the aweful things that actually happens.

 

[Bloomy]

@rosey no Im not ok but its ok Im not. Thanks for asking. Im so glad Im on this forum. Now I gotta run to a meeting about incest. Buh.

 

[Poofycat]

I've had a similar experience this week in that I've discovered a big gap in my memory. I realized that I have no idea where my bedroom was until I was about 5 years old. My dad used what became my bedroom as his office until I was about that age. I remember it being his office, seeing him in there and playing in there, so it's not that I was too young. I just have no idea where my own bedroom was during this time. There's only one other room it could be, but I have zero memories of it. Kind of creepy.