Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[nursenurse]

Rightkindofme, Bravo! You are not toxic waste, no one is, save Hitler and Kim jong Il et al. And I agree with openness. Maybe a billboard along the main highway is not what anyone wants, but as long as mental disorders or whatever classification of the day PTSD falls under, continues to be swept under the rug, there will be no public awareness or understanding. It is out there, it is a fact of life. Damn the rejectors, but embrace those who accept you warts and all, as in any personal relationship whether there is PTSD or not. Allow those closest to use their God given gift of love and compassion. To feel you have to protect the world against yourself implies you are the centre of the world. You are not. However, you are, or can be, a part of someone else's little world. No man is an island, if you want a pat saying :D

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses and kindness, you've given me much to think about. Cannot do it justice now but I will come back to respond later, just have something I must finish.

You are all very Dear. :hug: :inlove:

 

[Abstract]

Take gentle care Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Respectfully, that's the PTSD talking.

The idea that you should not inflict yourself on other people is an example of "all or nothing" thinking. Having PTSD doesn't necessarily make you a "bad" anything. Not a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad husband or a bad parent. Just a person with a disorder. Sometimes I'm bad company, but I have friends and family who love me all the same. Everyone has faults- that doesn't mean you should lock yourself away. There are plenty of things about you that are lovable and wonderful, you'd be locking those things away, too, and that's not fair.

I've chosen not to have children.. But it wasn't because I would be a "bad" mother or because a child would deserve better, it was because I deserve better- the demands of motherhood would make it difficult for me to remain as healthy as I can be.

..and they can make their own decisions about whether they want you in their lives.

..the desire to isolate yourself is purely destructive.

Dear Lucasta, have come back to this, thank you for your words, yes, I do exhibit all-or-nothing thinking as regards myself. I never seem to reognize it. Yes, I have not separated the 'disease' or disorder from 'me', and frankly do not or have not thought that even the decisions I've wanted to make for myself were not somehow a negative reflection. Everyone (or most) can't seem to wrap their head around why I would want to choose what I have. Your words are very kind, I have to work on my self-esteem. Or at least stop fearing people can't provide self-care for themselves. Two people I trust here said before, "don't worry, people will tell you when you're a burden!"

And yes, I've been self-destructive lately. (Ug).

I am going try to trust in that stuff (your words). :hug: if that's ok.

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel it is my duty to protect everyone else and so I isolate. I'm told by my priest that I need to allow others to make their own decisions, but my response is that they don't know how evil I am inside. It's like a disease that I can prevent from being spread, but only because I know all about it. Others don't know how bad it can be so I must protect them.

Dear SoL, I too have often felt like I have contagious leperosy or am a ticking time bomb. :( I can only say, I think it's maybe a way to explain the fear, find a meaning for it. Because when I've read your posts, it's come to me that there is great fear there to just let someone care about you. You are definitely not evil, just you have lived through it. Quite he opposite. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

I also know for myself, I have a near-zero tolerance at the thought of other people experiencing pain. I hope we can risk thinking differently, or at least put the thinking aside. Hope it's ok, here is a :hug:. Thank you, I know you understand and that means a lot.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are not a bad person. You will probably make a fine mother when you find the right man to marry. Don't settle for anything less than a loving, caring, decent human being who will love you to pieces, in spite of that fact you had some bad shit happen in your past. Someone who will be able to support you when you need support. Someone who will argue with you and love you at the same time. Someone who will defend you when you need it. Someone who will hold you when you want it. Someone you can snuggle with and love to pieces. Someone you can respect.

Did you know that children are 100% love? Yup. 100% love. Clean, pure love. Sure, they make mistakes. Guess what! We all do. It's why we are here on earth. To learn. To grow. To love and be loved. This is a temporary condition, this earth life.

Of course you are afraid after reading all the stuff we write about. Girl, all you are hearing or reading about is the negative stuff. Listen or look for all the good stuff we share. Ways we are coping with the bad stuff. Go to the threads that ask for what we are grateful for.

If people in the outside world say stuff to you or leave you or blame you, then let them walk away, or you walk away. You don't need that crap. You don't have to put up with it. What they are offering is not love. It is not. Honest and truly. You don't need that kind of emotion being dumped on you.

Safe, gentle hugs to you little adopted niece of mine, Be safe. Be happy. It is good for you.

Aw Dear safenow, you are such a special and tender-hearted soul. I know from what I've read you've been to hell and back and yet you take the time to try to comfort me. Wow. :hug: Thank you.

I believe in your definition of love, and definitely as it pertains to a partner. Funny, I don't worry too much about who I'll meet, and I'm too old (though not 'technically') for kids (I'm a pretty old niece :eek: :p ), but hoestly that's ok, it followed as a natural feeling to have kids when I was thinking of getting married, but otherwise I'm actually thankful (I'd make a better Aunt also, as I love to spoil :) ). This is the first chance I've had to not have someone dependent, and I don't think the stress or routine of child-rearing would have been ideal for myself. I have the greatest respect for parents. But I feel almost too lucky to have this chance. In some ways to, having the ability to leave helps me not to.

I do, however, as regards myself, think of the saying, "love is the only thing that won't harm your neighbour". So that's kind of a relief when I contrast it to this.

I have come to the conclusion that the last 8 years of verbal abuse contributed much to how I feel. It was unexpected- different than other abusive relationhips or situations I've been in (one primary one Im thinking of). It really caused a lo of damage. But it's up to me to forgive; if I don't accept the words as truth, I have to then also think at some level they are not valid and were not meant.

I do realize it's very very hard for supporters. :(

Sweet safenow, I rarely need tissues in public, but maybe that's ok too. More terror at crying!

You are so kind, hugs and gratitude back to you. I will take those steps. Can put your kindness in a gratitude journal. :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

..just because a group of people have PTSD does NOT mean that they are all the same. Personally I think it comes down to the detail and how you interact with others.

.my terrible inability to respond to communication or to let people in at all
Other than that and despite the PTSD I am fairly good relationship material. I am empathic, I am not volatile in a way that harms others, I mostly am able to own my own issues, I now have good boundaries and am getting better at not taking responsible for what is not mine. I destruct internally not externally.

So really I think it is down to looking at your behaviour. You obviously have loads of empathy. I am not sure if you have problems isolating. If you want brutal honestly I would guess your biggest problem is the "I am a terrible person and am undeserving and am responsible for everything" thing. Personally I would not have children if I was repeatedly suicidal as well.

I suspect a lot of how you feel with this again plays into that whole awful "I am a burden" mindset that seems to be such a problem for you.

You are a very warm and kind person and you may be denying people having access to that if you avoid relationships Junebug.

Well done for posting. It sounds really important!

Sweetest Abstract, trust you to capture so much in so few words! Always such wisdom, and kindness, and support. I relate very much to how you describe yourself, and others tell me the same. And as for having kids and being suicidal- OMG, I agree, no way. Funny thing is, that seemed to encompass me out of no where. I can only look back and recall I might very well 'kick the bucket' from cancer, never thought suicide.

You are very right- I was thinking everyone with ptsd is the same. Yikes, nothing works that way. That makes a huge difference too.

Yes, I think it may be ptsd related, that so many of us don't really feel entitled to much. Don't really understand it. And also directly internalizing beng told it were better if I am dead, waste of space etc. Also, I seemto have a near-patholgical soft-heartedness.

I refuse to think about that other, 'abusve' stuff, if I can help it. Then I for sure go downhill. I hope,too, you can get to (your) Doctor. Even though you mgiht not feel like you are from what you've said, you are such a sweet and caring person, that is why people love you. They understand you might not reach out, but I bet they are so thankful when you do.

Thank you for saying it was 'ok' to post, I felt like such an ass :(

Thank you my dear friend. :hug: :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Abstract hit the nail on the head: all PTSD people are not the same. And the biggest proof is in reading through this forum.

I look at PTSD as I would look at a disease in my world in that there are signs and symptoms common to sufferers. But you can still have a great sense of humour. Or be a type A personality. You can still be easy going, okay, at times, but others may never be easy going, just as in non sufferers. You can be analytical or laissez faire. Sufferers are not Martians, but beautiful souls who just happen to have PTSD. Capable and worthy of love, compassion, dreams, desires. You are not anything less than that.

.. you can hurt when you write people off when they care for you.

Oh Dear nursenurse,you are so kind, thanks for saying that.

You are right. Sometimes one can do damage without being thoughtful of the fact others arejust human, too. I'm going to try to 'forget' fears, and be more thoughtful (even i I still feel like a :alien: hee).

Thank you for such kindness, and lack of blame. Sweet nursenurse, what a wonderful nurse (and person) you must be :) :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

I find it very important to learn to let others make their own decisions.

Many supporters on here (not all, I have realized though) think (and probably truly believe) that they can deal with anything coming up and that they would always stay by your side as long as you keep the lines of communication open, as long as [insert whatever their troubles with their loved ones are re PTSD]. However, there was a time when I told people close to me what was going on, my history, my PTSD troubles, etc. Some I told details, some I did not, depending on the relationship the respective person and I had. To be honest, and you asked for the truth, many left. Many took the decision to not stay by my side -- and I am not talking partners only, but family and good friends. Friends I told all I told them only because I was convinced that what I said could not destroy our relationship. Change it, yes, possible. "Kill" one or the other, yes, too. But not so many.

I am saying this because I think it's part of being mindful towards your own self to be(come) ready for sharing your history, PTSD troubles etc. and be ready for the others in turn taking their own decisions. In my experience, some stayed, some left, some vanished into thin air (that's how it felt) before my very eyes, some relationships changed (because they distanced themselves a little more) and some relationships grew stronger.

I think, that if you have been left in a lot of pain for your own trauma history and if you have faced PTSD basically all your life, you should be careful with putting yourself out there. This is not saying you shouldn't do it; just be very, very careful with yourself, your core, your inner child... Once you allow others to take their own decisions, some will choose to go. And "we" need to be able to deal with that in a healthy way when it happens. Otherwise, I guess, it could be retraumatising.

In my life-long experience with PTSD I have found that there really are people who can't take "it" (the severity of my traumas, the details, even the headlines only... etc.). Every person is different and they, too, (those you know) have their own histories, their own losses, their own troubles -- and thus they have their own limits of what they can take. Some supporters say and probably really believe that a person with PTSD should just talk and let it out. But it's not that simple. I think, they need to look at themselves first and they might want to respect themselves more, as the people they truly are. We're all just human.

When I was younger, and about to get married, I thought that my marriage should be the place where I can let it all out, just as he could. I don't believe that anymore. I have made the decision that for me with my history and my life and me being me, I want to not blurt out the details anymore. Also, I have decided that I don't want to voice all symptoms I have. .. This is hard on me, but true all the same. Today, I think that a relationship needs good times, vitally. And I personally suffer a lot in daily life. But if I focused on that, I'd be suicidal in no time. So, for me, I have found a way to deal with my trauma history and the realities of my life, then and now, and I am making sure to keep those relationships I have going and being well by not sharing literally everything.

It ensures that my relationships, those I have, work well, and are not centered around my trauma history and my PTSD. I think, it also has been key for me to not end up in full-blown depression; I deal with things in MY ways, in MY time; it is how I can actually have a life that I consider a life, and not survival.

Oh Dear p-no, I so whole-heartedly agree, this is how I have tried to live except, in working through all these unknowns, I told one person. There was relief of sorts, it was something I never thought I could do, plus all the fear. But I took the risk even if the response would be awful, expected a high-likelihood. In my real life I don't tell anyone, unless I think I might be able to help, then I just say "I'm quite familiar with it (ptsd)", or I simply 'do' what I know. I have been very fortunate I wasn't made to feel awful- only I did that to myself. I too, feel or prefer to limit what I say though otherwise, and think that is wise considering 'me'.

I know p-no, that anyone who loves you, loves you for you. :)

And you're right, we all have wounds. Best scenario is when we can help each other.

((((((Sweet and wise prime-no))))), thank you :hug: .

(PS, Peppemint Patty me laugh- no wonder 'snoopy' had no words. :) )

 

[Tinyflame]

And from what you share you already have extreme difficulty letting anyone support you in any way. That is not something that anyone needs to do regardless of their circumstances. Isolate themselves from any emotional support.

OMG Abstract yes, that is what (one of the things) that makes me feel like a terrible burden or 'weight'. Like a horrible thing will happen, or that I've done, or it will cause or causes the other person.

 

[Tinyflame]

As usual my opinion differs. I'm out and I talk about things. I have lost friends and family and I have made friends and family.

I'm married and I have two children. I am an excellent mother.

.. tell me that they can't handle what I am saying because otherwise I won't know where their boundaries are. I want to be respectful and I can only do so if I am given feedback.

My kids see me as an upbeat, positive, loving person who sometimes starts crying pretty randomly. My line is, "isn't it funny how sometimes bodies do weird things? I'm crying but I'm not sad. I guess I feel stress and my body needs to calm down. Give me a minute to breathe then I can move on."

I used to believe I was toxic waste who should be put down for the good of the herd. Now I look at my children and believe I can't be that awful. I am a very good mother. My children are fierce individuals who can say, "I like it when you hold my hand but please don't grab my arm because that is uncomfortable." Thank you for telling me how I can be respectful towards your body. I appreciate that feedback because I want to be nice to you more than anything in the world and everyone is different and has different preferences. Thank you so much for telling me how I can be kind to you.

Rightkindofme, I think that is wonderful, and not 'different' but 'you', one has to be (and should be) true to themself. And you are courageous. I think you are a wonderful Mother, too. :) :inlove: :hug: Thank you.

 

[Tinyflame]

You know how one gets a 'like', well didn't even recognize the thread (from 2 years ago), but someone said "think we as sufferers are willing to let good things go, to protect ourselves".

Then it said, ".. I think betrayal and abuse etc makes it hard to allow others to get close to you (and for you to remain there), so working on trust (even when it's warranted) is a daily process that has to be renewed and repeated (learned) over and over (by the sufferer). "

I can quote it because it wasn't private, and I WROTE IT (apparently!) :eek: Oye. It's really weird how convincing ptsd-thinking is, to one's self.