Email fallout with T - need advice please

[beaneeboo]

I really don’t think I’d be sending more emails on a matter where a miscommunication appears to have happened because of email. I’m also not sure what you want your therapist to do, in terms of moving/going forward - and the last paragraph is definitely leaning towards therapy-over-email which (just for me personally) really is quite a big no.

Ok thanks for your opinion... I'm defo getting the same gist from everyone else so I will be taking it all on board.

I would personally state what I would like to do or for him to do, and keep it short and sweet. Kind of along the lines of, I feel we might have our wires crossed, please can we discuss all this in our next session on X date, value your opinions / help / thoughts.

Think I'll go back to what @Sideways suggested which is along the same lines. Thank you.

Nothing good was ever easy won. You can walk away or email but the work is going to be in going in and talking it through.

I'm beginning to see that you're right in this... so much easier to walk away. But I won't gain the tools of how to deal with disagreements/ arguments which is something I've missed my whole life. Thanks for pointing this out.

Go in and say all this, say to him in session you fear the dissociation and let him respond

This is so hard ...

I think you’ve done so much work with this therapist, it would be a real shame to not continue. You can always go to the session & leave? Why not try just putting everything on the table and letting him help you through it?

Thank you for your in put... everyone seems to be saying the same thing so I guess this is what I'm going to have to do... I would be happy for him to help me through it but I need to trust his own emotions won't spill over negatively to me. If he can contain his disagreement in a professional way, that's fine. But that's not what happened before and that's what I'm scared of because of the consequences if lead to. But, I'll tell him that too i guess.

Thanks for your thought I appreciate it.

 

[beaneeboo]

I think it's so easy to slip into mind reading in these situations to try and figure it all out. But, this is mind reading.

Ok thanks for pulling me up on this!

And: clients don't need to hold T's with unconditional positive regard. And he doesn't expect you too.

Ok. I'll consider this. Feels like in this exchange, he's expecting me to.

This is the second rupture you have had with him where you raise something that challenges his therapist credentials and he comes back a reply that hurts.

Yep

I don't know if that helpful or more confusing to say, but that's how I saw the previous rupture where you were asking about his take on a therapeutic intervention and he brought his stuff into the therapeutic relationship. And it feels like he has again.

Yes that's how I've taken it. Which is why it's hard for me to take it. Esp when I explained I was having a back lash from the previous session. His response was insensitive I felt.

Yep. A T needs to hold in mind their countertransference , take it to his supervisor, and respond to you from a place of that grounding.

Guess we'll see if that happens.

Re your email. I totally understand why you sent it. And I totally get what you were/are communicating.
I do wonder if that is for a session rather than email. Because what reply will help ease things for you at the moment?
He is a T who has only agreed to do email because of particular reasons. He isn't a T who is overly comfortable about emails. There is already a rupture by email so further emails could lead to further ruptures.
What if he doesn't respond? How will you hold that?

I'm beginning to see all this. I like sorting stuff by email - esp T&C / admin type things. But I guess not everyone is comfortable with that. And I have to accept it.

Not saying you have done anything wrong at all. Not at all. You're struggling and you want resolution. Totally reasonable.

Thank you i need to hear that.

You know each other. You know he cares. I think he has made an error. It has hurt you. But it can be resolved.

it's interesting your response because you feel he's made an error (i do too) but others here don't. I've always always questioned the validity of my thoughts and feelings and i am rarely able to trust my stand point in arguments often because the other person is louder, and more confident... which is what I feel has happened here...I don't think he is going to see he's done anything wrong really. But I guess you'd say this is mind- reading!! So I'll stop that. I have to give it a go. And I guess you're right. He does care and that has to count for alot.

 

[beaneeboo]

I second this advice.

Also, it’s odd to me that you fear dissociation and regression in session— that’s the main place where most of that shit happened for me and I preferred it happened there where T could contain me and be a compassionate witness, which modeled how I could be with myself when it happened at home.

So I've dissociated ALOT in session with him present and have grown used to it. That kind of dissociation is fine by me. It's brought on by difficult topics etc and isn't related to our relationship.

The type of dissociation I'm scared of is one which is triggered by my fear of him, which has happened in session before when he had an emotional reaction to me saying I'd found a very useful clinical resource for dissociative disorders. He took a personal disliking to this, became very opinionated in an over powering and negative way and he wasn't able to contain his feelings so they didn't spill over to me in session. Unfortunately this triggered a bad dissociationin me resulting in a young part coming out, who hadn't come out in that way in session ever before. I wanted to leave the room because I believed I would be safer but I couldn't move. I had a panic attack of sorts and lost alot of time.

This type of dissociation, compared to the first I mention is completely different very scary, traumatising and unhealthy.

So that is what I'm afraid of. Not just generally dissociating.

 

[Rose White]

This type of dissociation, compared to the first I mention is completely different very scary, traumatising and unhealthy.

Makes sense. Sounds like a difficult rupture. I would have a hard time trusting him after that too.

 

[Ecdysis]

Makes sense. Sounds like a difficult rupture. I would have a hard time trusting him after that too.

Yes. I wonder whether this is the actual issue... That this rupture hasn't been properly resolved either for @beaneeboo or the therapist, so as soon as another minor misunderstanding about cancellation times (48 hours vs 48 business hours) has immediately reactivated the initial rupture on both sides and is leading to communication challenges on both sides.
I understand @beaneeboo that you've said you don't feel safe enough to try and explore or repair this initial rupture. So I guess either it stays that way - sort of unresolved, but mostly dormant, and you continue therapy with that sitting "in the background", or you actually choose to dive in and try and explore the rupture itself - with two equally valid outcomes - either you make some progress and choose to continue doing therapy with this T, or you decide that it's not sufficient progress and hence, without the necessary underlying trust, therapy with this T isn't going to yield helpful results.

 

[Movingforward10]

it's interesting your response because you feel he's made an error

I do think he has made an error. Not in putting boundaries in but in how he has done it as it has caused this upset. Had he worded it differently (by not bringing in his own stuff) it wouldn't have caused an error. So he needs to say what he needs to, but it's how it was delivered was an error.

 

[Sideways]

I'd like to walk through the door. Be able to maintain eye contact. Say my truth. Not feel very panicky or dissociate. Not sure this is possible.

Can you lower your expectations for yourself a bit?

For me? There’s been plenty of times where I reached the point where my brain was telling me “you can’t go back into that therapy space, it isn’t safe”. Anticipatory anxiety (panicking about the prospect of panicking) had me basically house-bound for a long time.

If that’s what’s going on for you? Tell your T where you’re at. Walk into therapy and say, “I’m about to have a panic attack, please help me ground”. For folks like us, the therapy space is, intentionally, a form of exposure therapy: exposure (to heal) interpersonal triggers.

I’ve walked into therapy rooms holding a card saying “I have to go, this is too hard”, which I planned to simply hand over on arrival shortly before walking straight back out again. I always ended up staying longer, but even if I’d left straight away, I was still ahead. Because I’d walked through the door. The worst case scenario (having a panic attack when you walk in) is still better than avoiding it completely.

Forget talking about our past - this is one of the key for therapy. It’s not a happy coincidence, it’s actually very intentional. The therapy space is a microworld where we relearn how to safely navigate interpersonal relationships.

These are skills that you will be able to use over and over again - turning the tables on fear. Training your brain, gradually, “My life is safe now”. That isn’t about going from “can’t do it” to symptom-free in one step. It’s a learning process. But one that you can totally do.

The only way to learn that “this is dangerous” isn’t true, and that actually, I can cope…is to do it anyway. There are 2 options: continue avoidance, or confront it. And if you walk in that door, and then walk straight out again - Nup, can’t do it, this is dangerous - you’re still miles ahead of where you were (avoiding it entirely).

 

[beaneeboo]

Yes. I wonder whether this is the actual issue... That this rupture hasn't been properly resolved either for @beaneeboo or the therapist, so as soon as another minor misunderstanding about cancellation times (48 hours vs 48 business hours) has immediately reactivated the initial rupture on both sides and is leading to communication challenges on both sides.

This is undoubtedly part of it... I can't speak for him...I think in his head he thinks it's mostly been resolved as we had a repair session and he did say all the right things and looked suitably remorseful... and said as much himself... so it was a very helpful session... icould see he was genuine....but I guess words can get only so far... and I'm not totally over it from an emotional pov (younger part? Part 2 - this is one of my parts)... not that I knew that until now, until this fear came up from the email stuff... part of me is still angry with him too... guess you're gonna say i should tell him about it..

I understand @beaneeboo that you've said you don't feel safe enough to try and explore or repair this initial rupture. So I guess either it stays that way - sort of unresolved, but mostly dormant, and you continue therapy with that sitting "in the background",

This is how it's been till now. He's the only person in the world who knows that amount about my life. And now, he even has more collective knowledge than I do about what I've been through, how it's effected me and how it's impacted my life.

The last session I had with him showed me this when he reflected back to me a summary to date of my therapy and almost everything I've brought to him. I realised that this is someone who knows about all of me better than I do (in terms of being able to put into words my story). Something I've never been able to do due to my amnesia. And as such he holds alot for me. But this also means I'm so very dependent on him being the holder of that knowledge. And for being my main supporter, knowing the information he does.

So the idea of rocking the boat, him getting to the point he can't or won't continue with me because I say the wrong thing has been too much to bare. Because it's like losing another chunk of my life. And ending up with no support at all. So I feel a bit like I need to be careful.

or you actually choose to dive in and try and explore the rupture itself - with two equally valid outcomes - either you make some progress and choose to continue doing therapy with this T, or you decide that it's not sufficient progress and hence, without the necessary underlying trust, therapy with this T isn't going to yield helpful results.

Thanks for this.. I like the idea that there are 2 equally valid results and have actually never seen it like this before.

In a way, part of me feels that trust has already been ruptured because I'm not able to say certain things about my therapy journey which I know he won't like, for fear this will cause another rupture.

For example, the same centre for dissociation who has useful resources for dissociative disorders (the one which i talked about in session which lead to the original rupture), I've now got an assessment with in order to see whether they can help me with my amnesia, among other things. Given i know my T is passionate about not believing in mental health diagnosis, that he told me there wasn't enough evidence for DDs, and because he flipped when I told him I found this resource useful, I now feel I can't tell him about the assessment with that clinic.

So I do respect him very much as a clinician over all. But his own personal views have definitely entered in the relationship in a way I have to manage in order not to allow further ruptures. I am dependent on him atm that's the truth of it.

 

[beaneeboo]

I do think he has made an error. Not in putting boundaries in but in how he has done it as it has caused this upset. Had he worded it differently (by not bringing in his own stuff) it wouldn't have caused an error. So he needs to say what he needs to, but it's how it was delivered was an error.

This is simple for me to remember if we get speaking about it and helpful because I agree. Thank you @Movingforward10

 

[beaneeboo]

Can you lower your expectations for yourself a bit?

Of myself or of him?

For me? There’s been plenty of times where I reached the point where my brain was telling me “you can’t go back into that therapy space, it isn’t safe”.

yep recognise this

Anticipatory anxiety (panicking about the prospect of panicking) had me basically house-bound for a long time.

If that’s what’s going on for you? Tell your T where you’re at.

I think that's what I was trying to do by email because...

Walk into therapy and say, “I’m about to have a panic attack, please help me ground”.

I think I'd find this very difficult. Saying or asking him to help me. I would just go very quiet and dissociate. But I hear what you're saying. That would be OK and is part of the process... and it's showing myself it's safe to do that?

For folks like us, the therapy space is, intentionally, a form of exposure therapy: exposure (to heal) interpersonal triggers.

This is really helpful to read and be reminded...

I’ve walked into therapy rooms holding a card saying “I have to go, this is too hard”, which I planned to simply hand over on arrival shortly before walking straight back out again.

I'm going to steal this idea!

I always ended up staying longer, but even if I’d left straight away, I was still ahead. Because I’d walked through the door. The worst case scenario (having a panic attack when you walk in) is still better than avoiding it completely.

ok...I can see where you're coming from ... avoidance is easier in the short term and more damaging in the long term...

Forget talking about our past - this is one of the key for therapy. It’s not a happy coincidence, it’s actually very intentional. The therapy space is a microworld where we relearn how to safely navigate interpersonal relationships.

Another great reminder thank you... it's the safely bit I guess I'm grappling with atm. Trying to understand how much I can trust him. I know logically he's not going to physically hurt me.

These are skills that you will be able to use over and over again - turning the tables on fear. Training your brain, gradually, “My life is safe now”. That isn’t about going from “can’t do it” to symptom-free in one step. It’s a learning process. But one that you can totally do.

I would really like this. I can see logically what you're saying. Turning the tables on fear. Fear that's been here as far back as I can remember. What does it even look like on the other side? I want to be brave enough to do that. I am trying to imagine being that brave.

The only way to learn that “this is dangerous” isn’t true, and that actually, I can cope…is to do it anyway. There are 2 options: continue avoidance, or confront it. And if you walk in that door, and then walk straight out again - Nup, can’t do it, this is dangerous - you’re still miles ahead of where you were (avoiding it entirely).

Ok so I guess that's what I'm going to have to do. Go back and know that even if it's a disaster I went back. It feels akin to doing a very major bungee jump.

Thank you @Sideways ... you're making me think about this in terms of what happens if I don't confront it all. And the void that would be as a result is pretty f*cking scary. I need to somehow get brave. Thanks for your encouragement.

 

[scout86]

I can't speak for him...I think in his head he thinks it's mostly been resolved as

I'm going to gently point out that that's a bit of mind reading too. "Mind Reading", the way some of us tend to do it anyway, is a form of hypervigilence. We do it because it seems like, if we know exactly what's going on in the other person's head, we can manage the situation and "stay safe". If you grow up around people who expect you to perfectly anticipate their needs, you probably LEARN to mind read because it's expected. (With the added twist that you feel like you HAVE to get it "right") The thing to keep in mind about mind reading is, you might be wrong.

So the idea of rocking the boat, him getting to the point he can't or won't continue with me because I say the wrong thing has been too much to bare. Bec

I get that this is really hard. I totally do. Been there. But, if he's someone who will fire you as a client for "saying the wrong thing", well, that doesn't seem like something a really good therapist would do. In fact, I'd have to wonder about a person who's only comfortable dealing with clients who act and think exactly as they want them to. His job is to guide you along the path to being able to function in the world better than you do now and deal with your personal challenges better than you can now. It's NOT to turn you into some kind of clone. What I'm saying is, if he's the kind of person who can't handle a client saying something he disagrees with, you're better off finding a better T. I'm not saying he IS that kind of person though. More than likely he's not. but you might as well find out.

This might not help you at all, but I found that, for me, it helped to approach this stuff with curiosity more than anything else. "I wonder what he's thinking" rather than "Oh no! He's thinking THIS!!!" A lot of the time I was right about what he was thinking. But not always. To this day, I don't totally know what my T was thinking in some situations because he'd set a situation up to provoke a reaction so we could deal with, and explore, the reaction.

I've now got an assessment with in order to see whether they can help me with my amnesia, among other things.

You have a perfect right to do that. I think it might have been better for your relationship with your current T if you'd talked about it with him before you did it. He shouldn't have a problem with you getting a second opinion. Not at all. But the fact that you did it behind his back is possibly going to come off as not trusting him. (Because you actually DON'T trust him, do you?) I don't know how invested he is in having the trust of his clients, but some people would be a bit hurt. He should be able to handle that, but it's a thing.

Have you considered a conversation that starts with asking how he feels about clients getting second opinions, or clients having their own take on things like DID? Rather than anticipating how he thinks and feels, just asking? Then listen to the answer? Then explore the answer a bit more?

 

[Mina]

I might be the only one with this opinion, but after reading through everything, this T seems like a bit of an a$$ and not a great fit for you.

You combed the website for info and found it didn't exist...then it magically does exist after you drew attention to that fact? T had an "oh sh!t" moment, updated it, won't own up to that, and dared you to take it up with his supervisor.

You mentioned that he has failed to acknowledge and reply to previous scheduling-related emails. That's extremely unprofessional, regardless of industry. Get an online scheduling system if you can't handle basic communication. Why isn't there at least an auto-reply reminding everyone of business hours, scheduling and cancellation policy, etc?

A quote from one of your prior exchanges in this thread (apologies, struggling with the quote feature on a small screen so using italics): I do find it hard because when he disagrees with me he becomes very defensive. And I go into myself. I'm unable to confront it. I know I will dissociate and a power dynamic will ensue which will increase the power differential and make me feel unsafe. I'm already not bringing said issues into therapy in case he reacts. I do see this. But I can't do anything about it.
So he has a history of becoming defensive, and now you're tailoring your therapy because he can't be relied on to behave in a professional, neutral manner.

I get that anyone can have a bad day, therapists included. But it's not your job as a client to tolerate this nonsense. Your job is to take the best care of yourself that you can. Having to worry about his feelings and reactions shouldn't enter into that equation. Plus being made to doubt yourself over the website issue? Ugh. Next therapist, please.