Email fallout with T - need advice please

[whiteraven]

Also, his own email manner is quite patronising, like I shouldn't be questioning this. And I find that absurd. Why is me questioning it so challenging to him? Also because it's not a therapy issue. It's an admin issue. One i don't feel i should pay for a session to figure it out.

I'm probably not the best person to comment on this, but I'm going to because my perspective differs a little from others' here, and I have had similar--although not money-related--issues.

I found his email also patonizing and actually with a kind of inappropriate tone for T to client. I also would have been upset.

I'd feel the same way you do @beaneeboo

But then, I'm known for getting upset about such things and having PTSD reactions to it and creating a bigger fuss than is useful.


This sort of sounds like you're getting into "little kid" mode... Wanting someone to be perfect and consistent and if they're not then you question the whole relationship.

(At least that's basically what my brain would do)

I guess a more adult version would be that all people are imperfect, have bad days, are inconsistent, are sometimes unreasonable, unpolite or unfair and sometimes we have to accept that...?

I'd say that if it's going to cost you energy and potentially more time in therapy to discuss and clarify this, then I'd make sure that it's helpful for you therapeutically and hence you find a way of discussing it that provides you with some kind of growth about how you react to such things...?

I didn't see it as "little kid" response at all.

I guess a more adult version would be that all people are imperfect, have bad days, are inconsistent, are sometimes unreasonable, unpolite or unfair and sometimes we have to accept that...?

People are imperfect, etc., but a therapist (or anyone in a professional position) is and should be held to a higher standard. If I had talked to a patient this way as a nurse, I'd'a been fired. I expect my T to be professional at all times. If he's having a bad day, he can say that and apologize for bringing his personal shit into the session (or in email).

A lot of times that "48 hours notice" is "business hours".

I was thinking this, but if that's what he meant, he needed to be specific and say that.

Ok that's interesting to hear. And an example of how written communication can be miscommunicated as well as misunderstood.

Me too

I totally agree. But like I keep saying, he's always maintained it's OK. So that's why I'm confused.

Thank you for highlighting this. I do have experience of this myself. And I know you're right. Right now it feels too impossible to consider but I will let things settle. And then see what can happen in terms of addressing things. I'm just not sure what to write back to him now. Do I apologise for something I genuinely shouldn't be apologise for? Do I explain further but then risk him taking something the wrong way? Do I leave it? I don't know what's safe to do.

I don't think you need to respond at all. If you can, leave it. If you need another week to process it and let it go, take it. But at some point I would be certain I understood the policy.

Thanks. I'm finding this really interesting to hear everyone's different take on it. I genuinely meant that information factually. Not aggressively or angrily in any way. Literally: 'I'm surprised. The info is new to me. Before you've always said x.' It really wasn't loaded in any way. And I was purely trying to describe my perspective.

But what I'm learning from this, getting back to what @nomore said is that written communication can be very problematic because things are taken so differently or put across differently.

I hear what you say. Even if I didn't mean it like this, there's room for it to have been taken this way.

I see this. But I also think it's very unnecessary to say to me to take up with his professional body if i feel he's been treating me unfair for the last 18 months. I haven't suggested he has at any point. I think it's inflammatory.

Maybe. I hadn't seen it like this. But honestly my gut says this isn't the case. Or, that he's tried to, but his execution wasn't great because its inflammatory. He knows full well this is not about me complaining about his practice. And reading back I've been very open about saying I value his work highly so my questioning of the 48 hour thing is not about money. Its about rules changing without me being informed.

Ok thank you for this perspective. I will give it some thought and try to figure out what I can do with that.

Atm there is no next session unless I ask for one. I don't want to ask for one at this stage until I'm more settled with it and know where I stand in it all. I guess I'll just keep silent until I know what I want to do.

Thanks KayW

I didn't find any of your communication aggressive, passive or otherwise (if anything, his was). It sounded to me like you were merely trying to clarify what may have been a misunderstanding. And I agree that, if the rules are going to change, you need to be informed ahead of time.

I would feel majorly upset if my T emailed this. It's the first and last sentence that seem defensive. And dismissive.
I wonder if he will apologise about it on reflection? As he is a reflective person and whilst there have been times where you have missed each other you've worked your way through a lot together.
Perhaps he has things going on that have interfered with his ability to put his stuff aside in this email?


But totally this. Because everything I've put above is interpretation of what he means and the only way to find out is to ask him.

I also would have been upset if my T emailed me this, in this tone. I personally would take a break and give it time to pass. Everything does, you know. Although never quick enough, right?

 

[beaneeboo]

Thank you @whiteraven i appreciate this alot.. I'm going to bed to try to sleep but will respond tomorrow...

 

[arfie]

I think the main thing i take issue with is the goal posts being moved without him telling me.

for what it's worth, i solidly believe there is a HUGE gap between the personality traits that make for a good therapist and those who make good accountants. i employ both and go so far as to say that a lack of billing panache is a sign of a good therapist.

 

[beaneeboo]

I'm probably not the best person to comment on this, but I'm going to because my perspective differs a little from others' here, and I have had similar--although not money-related--issues.

On the contrary. I'm relieved that a few people here can see where I'm coming from. I think it's interesting, it just goes to show the differences in interpretation of written communication across the board.

People are imperfect, etc., but a therapist (or anyone in a professional position) is and should be held to a higher standard. If I had talked to a patient this way as a nurse, I'd'a been fired. I expect my T to be professional at all times. If he's having a bad day, he can say that and apologize for bringing his personal shit into the session (or in email).

this is my feeling too. But I know alot of peeps here would say it needs to go both ways. But it kind of feels in this situation i need to be the bigger person because he's reacting in a more dramatic way and having the bigger message to say. Feels a little counter intuitive if I have to guide the way in communication.

I was thinking this, but if that's what he meant, he needed to be specific and say that.

This really is the crux of the whole issue. I agree with him that given my appointment is on a Monday, 48 hours notice isn't enough. But he's always said 48 hours. Always. And I clarified it with him recently. So I was only acting according to the parameters I thought we were agreed on.

I don't think you need to respond at all. If you can, leave it. If you need another week to process it and let it go, take it.

I can predict his response. He'll ask me to confirm if and when I want to continue therapy because he'll have to give my slot to someone else if I don't say. He has done that before.

Fair enough from his perspective. Lack of care and thought if he does say this without acknowledging his part in this exchange from my perspective.

I didn't find any of your communication aggressive, passive or otherwise (if anything, his was). It sounded to me like you were merely trying to clarify what may have been a misunderstanding. And I agree that, if the rules are going to change, you need to be informed ahead of time.

Thank you

I also would have been upset if my T emailed me this, in this tone. I personally would take a break and give it time to pass. Everything does, you know. Although never quick enough, right?

Never quick enough!

 

[beaneeboo]

Thinking of this as a reply to T:


Dear X

I'm sorry that what I've written has upset or irked you, that was never my intention. I actually wrote the emails all in a fairly neutral tone as I was questioning an admin / T&C misunderstanding. I felt this was fine to do by email (as it's not about my therapy per se). If you've felt accused by my communication, I'm sorry. It really was never intended that way.

I don't think what I wrote warranted a reply for me to address this with your professional body. Especially about any issues I perceived there to have been over the last 18 (13) months? I've never mentioned any issues along these lines. Replying as you did made me feel you assume badly of me.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here as atm if feels dangerous to continue with face to face sessions. I am worried that a similar dynamic could ensue to our last big disagreement in session, and that I'll dissociate badly. I don't want to give up on therapy over this (what a shame and waste that would be). But I'm genuinely not sure how to address it without it feeling unsafe. You aren't the cause of that but I'm worried given what happened before.

Thanks XYZ



I know posting this may attract alot of different opinions on the matter. May or may not be helpful! But I welcome any constructive feedback

Thanks

 

[Sideways]

Do you think additional emails about the issue are likely to help resolve the matter?

My thoughts: if you want to resolve this specific issue, what resolution are you seeking? That’s not clear in your email, and that would be what I would focus on.

If you’re not after a specific resolution to the original issue, what is the benefit of continuing to communicate via email (rather than having a crack at the conversation in person)? In my mind, email has proved itself to be pretty unhelpful for your relationship with this T.

If you find it’s more productive to write stuff down rather than say it in (I definitely do!), write down how you’re feeling about it…and take that to your session.

Another email to your T on the issue opens the door for a fresh new wave of miscommunication. Which doesn’t seem like it would be helpful at this point.

Perhaps a more simple reply would suffice. Akin to “thanks for your email. We seem to be misunderstanding each other. Let’s chat about it next time I see you.”

That would be my approach. Which is one of many:)

 

[beaneeboo]

Do you think additional emails about the issue are likely to help resolve the matter?

My thoughts: if you want to resolve this specific issue, what resolution are you seeking? That’s not clear in your email, and that would be what I would focus on.

If you’re not after a specific resolution to the original issue, what is the benefit of continuing to communicate via email (rather than having a crack at the conversation in person)? In my mind, email has proved itself to be pretty unhelpful for your relationship with this T.

If you find it’s more productive to write stuff down rather than say it in (I definitely do!), write down how you’re feeling about it…and take that to your session.

Another email to your T on the issue opens the door for a fresh new wave of miscommunication. Which doesn’t seem like it would be helpful at this point.

Perhaps a more simple reply would suffice. Akin to “thanks for your email. We seem to be misunderstanding each other. Let’s chat about it next time I see you.”

That would be my approach. Which is one of many:)

Thanks for this @Sideways...I guess you're right about there being room for more mis communication with a longer email... so keeping it short is better. I always write too much and I guess I don't see how it can be misunderstood :(

I think the only thing that I feel i shutoff communicate now is that physically going back to a session face to face actually feels physically too dangerous for me. I'm sure I'll even physically make it to session. Some people here may say that's ridiculous and I should be able to reason that it's not. And part of me knows that. But last time a young part came out that I didn't want to come out because I felt alot of fear from his own personal reaction to a disagreement. He has apologised for it. But that's where I'm at and what's blocking me. So just turning up and talking about it opening doesn't feel possible right now.

If I don't communicate it, he'll think I'm being stand off-ish and just not committing to therapy. I don't want to give therapy up. But I genuinely don't want to dissociate badly again which I feel is a distinct possibility.

 

[Sideways]

And part of me knows that

The most useful stuff from therapy always comes from the most difficult sessions.

Not all difficult sessions are useful. But mostly, they tend to be.

How will the rest of you learn that your life isn’t in danger anymore, if you don’t confront that fear?

It almost doesn’t matter if the session goes to shit. The way I see it, you walk through that door again, and you know you can walk through any door you want now.

 

[beaneeboo]

How will the rest of you learn that your life isn’t in danger anymore, if you don’t confront that fear?

Ooof. This packs a punch. You are right. But I fear if I dissociate so that same young part comes out, nothing is necessarily achieved out of that. Other than dissociation as a result of feeling extreme fear.

But maybe that won't happen. Or maybe if i communicate my fears before hand (what I'm afraid of), it will give him a good heads up.

It almost doesn’t matter if the session goes to shit. The way I see it, you walk through that door again, and you know you can walk through any door you want now.

This would be great if it had that effect. I'd like to walk through the door. Be able to maintain eye contact. Say my truth. Not feel very panicky or dissociate. Not sure this is possible.

 

[No More]

I really don’t think I’d be sending more emails on a matter where a miscommunication appears to have happened because of email. I’m also not sure what you want your therapist to do, in terms of moving/going forward - and the last paragraph is definitely leaning towards therapy-over-email which (just for me personally) really is quite a big no.

I would personally state what I would like to do or for him to do, and keep it short and sweet. Kind of along the lines of, I feel we might have our wires crossed, please can we discuss all this in our next session on X date, value your opinions / help / thoughts.

Nothing good was ever easy won. You can walk away or email but the work is going to be in going in and talking it through. I think if he’s made one misstep, you’ve talked it through and he’s apologised I don’t really know what you want to achieve by holding that over his head and assuming he’s going to make the same misstep again.

If I don't communicate it, he'll think I'm being stand off-ish and just not committing to therapy. I don't want to give therapy up. But I genuinely don't want to dissociate badly again which I feel is a distinct possibility.

Go in and say all this, say to him in session you fear the dissociation and let him respond - rather than trying to do his side of the work for him and trying to predict his response.

I think you’ve done so much work with this therapist, it would be a real shame to not continue. You can always go to the session & leave? Why not try just putting everything on the table and letting him help you through it?

 

[Movingforward10]

I guess there's the possibility he thinks I don't have that for him because of how he took my questioning.

I think it's so easy to slip into mind reading in these situations to try and figure it all out. But, this is mind reading. And: clients don't need to hold T's with unconditional positive regard. And he doesn't expect you too.

This is the second rupture you have had with him where you raise something that challenges his therapist credentials and he comes back a reply that hurts. I don't know if that helpful or more confusing to say, but that's how I saw the previous rupture where you were asking about his take on a therapeutic intervention and he brought his stuff into the therapeutic relationship. And it feels like he has again.

I think I could just do with someone who doesn't flip out when I question something about a perceived difference in opinion. I need a boundaried but calm response like you mention. And I feel like I've done something very very wrong and I'm trying to understand exactly what that is. Just confused really.

Yep. A T needs to hold in mind their countertransference , take it to his supervisor, and respond to you from a place of that grounding.


Re your email. I totally understand why you sent it. And I totally get what you were/are communicating.
I do wonder if that is for a session rather than email. Because what reply will help ease things for you at the moment?
He is a T who has only agreed to do email because of particular reasons. He isn't a T who is overly comfortable about emails. There is already a rupture by email so further emails could lead to further ruptures.
What if he doesn't respond? How will you hold that?

Not saying you have done anything wrong at all. Not at all. You're struggling and you want resolution. Totally reasonable.
.just raising these things as they might be good to work through here?

It might be a really good idea, however hard it might be and worried you are about it, to go to the session and explore this with him in person.

You know each other. You know he cares. I think he has made an error. It has hurt you. But it can be resolved.

 

[Rose White]

Go in and say all this, say to him in session you fear the dissociation and let him respond - rather than trying to do his side of the work for him and trying to predict his response.

I second this advice.

Also, it’s odd to me that you fear dissociation and regression in session— that’s the main place where most of that shit happened for me and I preferred it happened there where T could contain me and be a compassionate witness, which modeled how I could be with myself when it happened at home.