I’ve decided to to finally explain the details because I need help finding out the truth. Maybe what happened to me wasn’t technically sexual abuse, and I feel so terrible for telling my mom he did it when it could’ve been a little different. Please don’t judge me because this will all sound weird and terrible. When I was 3, we moved to another state and it was only my step dad, mom, and I in that house. Family rarely visited. I have a memory where I was trying to tell my mom something important, my step dad started a huge argument, got my mom on his side, took her away to the bathroom, and she refused to continue our conversation.
She always left me alone with him during the day because he worked at night and she worked at daytime. I was terrified to be left with him. He treated me terribly. For example, he would spin me around like crazy by arms and throw me on the bed as a punishment. It wasn’t done as a game. I was terrified.
One time as a punishment he tied my arms and legs up with duct tape and rope and was very degrading and wouldn’t let me go until I listened. They both used to have this joke/phrase which people say sometimes “stick it up your ass” I remember I was playing with a straw and was either annoying my mom with it or something and she said that phrase to me. And I got an urge to go do it. It was like a sexual urge. I read this is a defense mechanism to deal with abuse. The brain starts to think you like it. My guess is that he stuck something inside me like his finger as a punishment.
But what if for example my mom just put a suppository in me or something and that’s what traumatized me. And then I would be falsely blaming him. But I remember him saying in the car when he was mad at a driver that he should stick his finger in his butt so maybe he did do this. Sorry for all these details. I also remember I ended up getting sexual urges to be spanked which started back then. Not by a family member though. I would’ve felt disgusted and degraded if it would’ve been by them.
Anyway fast forward to when I’m around 5-6 and we’re living in a different place. I remember laying and feeling so terrible from my nipples rubbing against my shirt. It felt like I was being violated and touched inappropriately, but I couldn’t understand why. Or maybe I just lost the memory by now. I feel like he touched me there. I remember around that age, my mom forcing me to let her give me suppositories, and it was the worst most violating feeling ever and I just wanted to die when this was done to me. This felt like sexual abuse to me also and traumatized me also.
I ended up having sexual thoughts of spanking and having things stuck inside my butt for many years. The past few years since I’ve been accepting and believing these memories more, the urges became less and less. Now I don’t have them at all. The past few years I also started having “body memories” very often. I’ve been feeling like the abuse is happening at the moment. We’ve moved to another country from my step dad a few years ago, and I guess this is all because I feel safer now.
Part of me feels better for finally telling the truth, but part of me feels like all of you will hate and judge me and think I’m disgusting.
Can you please tell me your opinions on if you think he sexually abused me when I was 3 or do you think I’m wrong for what I told my mom?
