Embarrassing To Admit

[Lily Child]

But... I hate my body, and I feel like it betrays me. If I am being intimate with my husband I have intrusive thoughts about past sexual abuse. I get that's normal. Or if I am reading or watching something that is similar it will trigger a response physically that make sme sick to my stomach that my body would respond that way to something horrid and disgusting. Am I the only one here that experiences that?

 

[Rumors]

No you aren't the only one. Sorry you feel that way! It can be overwhelming and scary. :(

 

[Lily Child]

I'm wondering if there is anyone who has successfully recovered that aspect of their intimate life?

 

[anndeb]

Yes Lily Child it is possible to make progress in this area.. tho not easy for me and quite scary I have succeeded in making intimacy at least in part a pleasurable experience in the moment. The hardest part for me is when I feel my partner's love 'coming at me' and I tend to freeze up.. scared that the abuse will be repeated, a body memory. It is slowly becoming less 'automatic' of a response and with awareness comes the possibility for change.

When I feel my own love for my partner it also tends to feels a bit scary, afraid of loss again of love as it was lost when I was abused. And again with awareness comes the slow possibility of change. One little step at a time, but well worth the time and effort it takes.

Good luck!!

 

[Lily Child]

Thanks. For me, I became trained to be a performer. I found my worth in my sexuality and how many men would want me. I responded to s&m (me being "bottom") because that's what I knew. So sex and intimacy, for me, can not be experienced at the same time. It's one or the other.

Now that I've become aware of the extent of what's happened (I didn't think it was abuse at the time, except one circumstances) and become aware that these thoughts are from those monsters, I feel a little betrayed with my body and disgusted.

 

[anndeb]

Yes! our bodies do in a sense seem to betray us!! They seem to be 'hard wired' to respond with affirmative feelings to whatever is given to them, no matter how rough or punishing that may be. The body just seems to only be able to say 'yes' to sex .. !! Kind of an amazing thing , in a way so positive and yet so disturbing at the same time. I know my body's pairing of terror with sexuality has colored all my sexual experiences, especially those with a partner completely and every time. Yet it also seems the more I can accept in my emotions what my body has already 'accepted' the easier time I have of it. Weird I know!

So I guess I would encourage you to begin where you are, with the sense of betrayal and disgust and accept that for what it is worth.. then don't let it stop you from the goal of a good and pleasurable life! Take it from there to wherever it may lead you.. into whatever positive direction it can take you.

Again, every good wish to you and good luck!:affection::angel::thumbsup:

 

[Lily Child]

I am working on rewiring my brain. I have had two times in my life where I have been able to have a "happy ending" while being present in the moment. Both were with my husband, and they took forever to be able to achieve that.

just knowing that i am not alone is a huge step in feeling ok. I may get to the end of this and realize that I would have liked what I like all along. And if that's the case, then good. But I have a feeling that isn't going to be the case. We shall see. I plan on blogging about that aspect. I haven't given my address to any of my friends I know in person, or even my husband. I am grateful he respects my privacy.