Emdr: After The Session

[makibrd]

my cognition is... all my feelings are o.k.
It works for me because I can't work through my feelings if I don't own them.

 

[Deleted member 31177]

My mom, I believe was a narcissist or BPD. She would take away my favorite stuff and destroy them or give them to my brother and when I would get angry she would tell me I am jealous and selfish.

memories and feelings are coming up more and more. There are still few more things to be resolved around anger

Wow, sounds so familiar . . . Our mother was the same way, except she was either VERY HOT or Very nice and loving. If I could draw, I could draw the recurring nightmares I had about her for years as a child.

Regarding EMDR, I went through it for 1.5 or 2 months but had to stop and was unable to concentrate during it because of a very serious eye paranoia I've had since I was a young child. Have no idea where it comes from and I still have it. But at first she'd point the thing at me and immediately had to let her know about my paranoia and pointing anything at me causes me literal severe physical pain in my eyes (still does), so she would face the pointer straight up and it did the same thing. I gave it a good try, but was SO tense, I could not relax into it at all.

THAT being said, I guess I shouldn't have even written on here. (I did fall off a cliff at age 4 and almost lost an eye, but didn't). I was tormented by my siblings - all who hated me being the youngest and made to be with them all the time by crazy mother who physically and verbally abused us. They didn't want me tagging along. Only one brother still talks with me, but never visits, the other two; nothin'.

So EMDR didn't work for me because of my own severe eye paranoia or some earlier trauma with my eyes that may have happened.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Julinha same here. She would either be a monster or the most loving person. Very confusing for a young child.

Regarding emdr, do you know that it can be done with tapping on the knees or sounds instead of eye movements. Those alternatives were developed for people who have problems with sight. That is an option that you can explore.

 

[Panda Bear]

@Julinha Yes! I use special bilateral music loaded onto my ipad, that I chose. It plays through my headphones.

I don't do touch(alternating taps) or people near my face/eyes. The music has been a great solution.

 

[Deleted member 31177]

WOW! Thanks to both of you!! I guess it was kinda new when she was performing EMDR on me because she was using a pointer and moving it back and forth, and after I told her of my severe eye paranoia issue and the things my siblings would do to torture that paranoia (like I would lay down in my bed and all of a sudden realize they had taped or stapled pencils, knives, anything with a point, but tons of things facing right towards my face (the pillow), I mean like 20 things. I would scream and cry with horror and pain and they would laugh). But she never suggested any other type of EMDR.

In all honesty, I don't even want to go back there anymore. I've had to recently because I signed up for a PTSD study with a California University and it is a 3.5 month Study; I've finished 2 months of it and have another 1.5 months to go (but they give a 2 month break at this point). But after the end of each section, they do a 1 to 1.5 hour interview call with you where they just dig, dig, dig and get right down to the nitty-gritty without any sweet-talk of your past - dig-dig-dig. I'm starting to cry right now remembering this last call just a few days ago. I still don't remember so much of childhood, except a few of the traumas, but don't recall hardly anything, not one Christmas, but I do recall 2 recurring nightmares very well that I constantly had of my mom. I just don't want to remember anymore, but yet I suffer daily, (a lot of it now physical pain-related) but I am turning my thoughts, mind, heart and soul to Jehovah and my beloved cats and also trying to find an anti-bullying group that I can volunteer with from home.

p.s. I volunteered for YEARS with Animal Services (the kill shelter) and Volunteering is one of the BEST remedies for taking away Depression, I swear!! I guarantee it, in fact! I just can't lift anymore, or afford the gas to get way up there now on disability.

 

[RuthieJujube]

Thank you for sharing your story.
I also came
From an emotionally abusive family where I was not allowe...

Maybe your anger is a step forward. It sounds like you are recognizing some injustices that happened in a new way. You have a right to feel angry as you grieve the uglier parts of life. Use your anger for positive change, as a way to advocate for yourself. It doesn't have to be toxic if you channel that energy as a way to learn and grow.