There is nothing wrong with you guys, you are all scaring yourselves just like you guys scared me. I had an intense session of emdr that left me with a bad migraine and anxiety so when I went digging as to why, I found this forum. Reading these things put me in a state of panic that was so severe I called my T right away and she agreed to see me. I told her I felt activated, re traumatized, sick and was worried about brain damage. After leaving, I felt real silly for believing I was going to be this way forever.
YES, emdr brought up a lot of things I tried to keep secret and yes, I feel worse because of it and am feeling all the symptoms described here but guess what? It's called GRiEVING. And grieving is a PROCESS that you need to allow yourself to go through.
The reason I'm not afraid this time is because after I was molested, I didn't allow myself to grieve for 3 years. I went through 3 years of being numb, hyper vigilant, de personalized, experiencing panic attacks, extreme anxiety, avoidance, etc. I was scared out of my mind every single day and didn't know why.
At the same time, I never talked to anyone about being molested. Instead, I hid it and made sure no one ever found out (I did report it to the police and he got jailtime). I needed to grieve for what that bastard did to me but never did because i was so scared of all my symptoms and the only thing i knew how to do was push it down with exercise, alcohol, and other distractions. One day, I thought about my future and I thought about how my future didnt look good with all these symptoms in my way. I could not experience joy or 'learn' new things. my surroundings never seemed familiar and i knew i could not go like this. I started to dig inside and being molested kept coming to my mind but I kept pushing it away thinking "its been 3 years, im over it!" but it kept coming and I knew I had to face it. I finally did. I told myself that I was in a safe position and once I admitted that I needed help, it hit me hard. The way I felt describes the same way you all felt after your 'bad emdr'. For 5 days straight, I did nothing but cry (I hadnt been able to cry in 3 years). I eventually had to quit my job because I became so fearful and so activated and had severe panic attacks at work. I eventually confided in my supervisor (hardest thing I ever had to do) about what I was going through and she was very supportive about it. I lost any appetite that I had and it took everything in me to eat anything. I was choking down bread and water just to sustain myself. The next 5 days, I was filled with rage and fear unlike I had ever experienced before. I found myself on the kitchen floor crying and throwing things around, punching walls and screaming (I had not felt anger in 3 years). Then, everything went blank. I could see no future, no past, just this overwhelming doom inside of me. This lasted about 3 full days and were the longest 3 days of my life. Throughout this whole process, I kept telling myself to just go with it. whatever I felt, just go with it. At this point, I thought I had fried my brain. After a few days, it felt like my brain started to organize itself back together. I started to feel severe anxiety, still could not eat but i could FEEL something and that kept me going. Feeling the anxiety sucked but it was better than feeling nothing. The anxiety lessened after about a week (finally) and my appetite started coming back slowly. It was around 1am that I found myself starving for Taco Bell (Luckily, it stayed open until 2) and that was when I first realized I was making good progress. Eventually, i started to crave peoples love and attention (something I had forgotten how to do) and wanted to feel love and be loved in returned. During this time, my brain felt like it was being zapped together. This prickly feeling kept coming and going but I thought it was a good sign, that things were finally coming back on. And after that, my symptoms went away.
This was when i sought the help of an EMDR therapist to question what the hell it was that i went through. I also started to read upon Peter Levines work "Waking the Tiger" which validated what I had gone through (deactivating the 'freeze' response).
I hadnt felt anxiety or panic attacks until my latest EMDR session and when I came to this forum to read what you all had been through and felt intensely panicked at the thought of a another 3 years of going through that torture and I'm here to tell you guys that you guys are DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. Your therapist is NOT there to 'fix' you, you guys are NOT 'broken'. You guys are just scared and are placing blame because you dont know how else to explain your symptoms. STOP thinking things are going to magically get better. Things are going to be HELL if you really want to change but thats the price we pay for wanting better lives for ourselves and yes, it DOES seem to suck but its NORMAL and ITS OKAY.
I'm going through the grieving process right now and let me ask you, if the EMDR was so triggering, why was I able to calm myself down after my T reassured me? I feel sad for what the EMDR brought up, but in a half a second, I know I can push it down and have the anxiety come back IF I REJECT THE GRIEVING PROCESS like I did for so many years before. If I dont allow myself time to relax and cry or become angry for the things that I lost then that is going to turn into panic and anxiety.
REALLY listen to yourselves, guys. The EMDR is going to bring up shit that you HAVE TO FACE. Think about the images you are seeing and really allow yourself to cry when you feel sad. It is not going to take a mere couple of days, grieving can take up to weeks. Confide in people, TALK about what you are going through. don't focus on the fear or the panic or the thinking "im going to be like this forever." UNDERSTAND the grieving process, read "waking the tiger" and know that what you are experiencing is NORMAL but the process cant full happen unless you allow it to happen. I know, its easier said then done but if you want to heal and get better, YOU HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK. the therapist is NOT to blame, YOU are to blame.you are only stopping yourselves by rejecting the things you have to go through.
I know its scary but you need to reach out. Talk to someone even if you dont think you have the right words to say. find someone you can cry to and force yourself to be more open about it, not just with your T but also with your boss, your friend, your co-worker, just anybody. You'd find that people are more sympathetic than you think. Yes, its embarrassing to be that open and vulnerable but it helps and it does get easier but you NEED to keep doing it!!! No one is going to tell you how to feel your emotions, that is something you have to RELEARN and teach yourself how to do.
I have alot of work to do. After my first grieving process and back to the most 'normal' i had felt since being molested, you'd think I would stop there? NO, I have multiple traumas along with childhood traumas ranging from childhood neglect, severly abusive relationship plus being molested but I trust the process and going through the grieving process is terrifying and hard but its what you gotta do. I know I still have alot of things but its one thing at a time and I dont care how long it takes. I have never taken meds for any of my symptoms, just had strong willpower and the desire for happiness and love and in the end, it is all paying off.
Stay focused on what you are trying to grieve for and really listen to what you need whether its to cry for 5 hours a day, to rage for a a week, but just trust yourself that you will be okay. these things wont kill you, your just freaking yourselves out AND you guys are scaring other people!!!!
Like I said, for those who are saying the EMDR brought on symptoms that lasted for 6 years and so on its because they are still denying or hiding something they are supposed to face and they think that meds or their therapist is supposed to push a magic button and make it all dissappear and its even scarier when you hear those cases of people reporting these bad experiences and placing blame on the process or the therapist when its THEMSELVES they need to look at if they want to get better.
DO the work. You won't regret it.
I will be continuing the EMDR but only until I am completely sure I am done grieving over whatever the last EMDR session brought up.
