I like that its intense. Makes me feel like I am making progress.
The thing what hurts me the most is that since I have been a plus dad of 2 boys,6 and 8, for a few years now, I see them in real life and I see Little me when I was that age.
I find it easy to take care of them.
And then I remember my childhood. Utterly disgusting and horriffic.
During the session of yesterday I went back to Little me and the feeling I had was cold, icy, hollow, dirty, apathic, hyperalert, unsafe, angst, fear for my life, being abused, unwanted, neglected, epicenter of all blame and guilt, a guinneapig, a patient, a bastard son, ... and so on.
I forgive myself now for my behaviour, re-traumatizing, re-victimizing, selfsabotaging and being violent myself.
And for my parents... they deserve every ounce of pain that is coming to them.
No child, teenager or young adult should be exposed to this level of deranged, psychotic behaviour.
A former T said this to me once:
"You know that you will only have peace and feel safe when both your parents are dead and burried. Then you will finally be able to put this begint you".
My dad died 2 years ago. My mom tried to kill herself 5 years ago, when I finally cut ties with her, sold the house I was living in and moved away. She did not succeed in her attempt to take her own life. Had severe head trauma, went into a coma. When I whispered in her ear that I did not want anything to do with her and her Family.. she jumped out of her coma. She now lives in a home for people with special needs. The only thing she recalls is me , 6 years old, wij has to get to school.
How convenient for her...
If there is a God.. why all this I ask to him?
