Emotional Abuse: Why? How? Wtf?

[Sideways]

First big disclosure for me...diving in at the deep end. Nervous is an understatement!

I've read that people who "only" suffered verbal or emotional abuse feel like their suffering is less valid, because there's no physical harm done. That blows my mind, because the emotional abuse is the bit that I can't seem to process. At all. How do you do that? It seems impossible...?

Context: I was sexually abused in a religious, ritualistic context, so I had "lessons" starting with inappropriate touching that progressed over time to the whole messed up, aggressive shebang. And that's hard to say. That's nasty. It's really screwed me up.

But it's the emotional stuff that I can't get my head around at all. I just switch off. Brain says "no". When I try and beat the Denial demon, it's too messed up for me to grasp.

I was "taught" (yuck) that God created me special, for this exact purpose. There was deliberate humiliation to help me endure/overcome shame. Even just the words, the things he said, the things he got me to repeat over and over - they sound ludicrous when you say them out loud.

I don't understand why sex wasn't enough. I wasn't going to tell anyone, so why add all this extra, totally messed up emotional stuff? And how am I ever going to stop believing those "lessons" since it's so embedded?

I don't think it matters if your abuse was a relative or some messed up religious nut - how do you come at the emotional stuff? How do you take that into the realm of "this happened to me" when it's sooo messed up, confusing, persuasive, and so unnecessary? He was after sexual gratification, so why add all this stuff that serves no purpose except to mess with my head? It's seems so much harder to deal with when you try and process the emotional stuff as well. Sexual abuse is enough - that's more than what a person should ever have to cope with, so how do you cope with having to pile all the emotional abuse on top of it?

Struggling a lot with this. Brain says "no, nope, can't, closed for the day"...

 

[HappyJock]

To answer the first bit, a lot of people who are emotionally abused are usually taught to minimize what had been done to them. "Oh, please. A few hurt words?! Some people are beaten!" Not exactly in those words, but a lot of people are de-humanized and embarrassed, because they don't feel as though they have the right to feel the pain they do because others have it worse. This is only my opinion based on personal experience, disregarding emotional abuse being my "only" abuse, because it wasn't.

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you went through that. It must be a hard thing to live with, I don't wish that on anyone. Thank you for sharing. Hugs if you accept them. :hug:

I don't want to pretend I know anything about religion, rituals or the lesson you were referring to, so please excuse my lack of understanding or any miscommunication, if any, in this part. I think it's similar to what I experienced. When we hear words, over and over, psychologically, especially at an impressionable age, they become part of who we are. My abuser told me (and forced me to repeat aloud) that I was useless, pathetic, fat and deserved to die. I'm over my 20s now, but to this day, I still genuinely believe that. Yes, he physically forced me to have sex with him; but that wasn't enough. Emotionally, he wanted me to be weak, alone and dependent on his approval, so now I have a distorted view of myself and can't get past denial. The more we hear or say something, the more real it becomes. The thing we have to understand is that even after the abuse technically stops, it lives on in our soul and in our hearts. Which is why therapy is so important, even though it may not fix everything. It takes years to undo all that we've grown up learning. It's about looking back at that version of yourself, the one being abused, and telling that version of yourself that it's okay to feel the way you do, that it'll get better. It's important to show that little version of yourself some love, because he/she wasn't getting it. We live with the after-effects of abuse. Scars fade over-time, whereas mentally, we're consistently reminded.

I think the first steps are saying the opposite of what has been said to you aloud. "I am not x, y, z" "It is not my fault." Whatever has been said to you, don't believe it. I honestly don't know. I still haven't gotten over it and it's been fourteen years since it happened. I go to therapy three times a week, however -- and still. I suffer from not accepting those added things.

 

[Sideways]

@nightwalker
Thank you. So much.
I feel guilty saying this, because it breaks my heart that humans do this to each other. If only I was a freakish once-off and there could be no one else suffering like this...But there's a wave of relief to have someone say, "I get it, because it happened to me". So thank you again, and I can only hope that one day you get to see, like the rest of the world, that none of those things about you are true:)

 

[Klo]

Some predators add in extra BS in an effort to make sure nobody would believe the victim. A lot of people can wrap their minds around child abuse of various types, but if it included theatrics and the survivor mentions any of it, suddenly it all sounds too "crazy". And sometimes that is the very purpose of the theatrics in the first place.

Sometimes it's because there is mental illness involved with the evil. Not all evil people are crazy. Most people with mental illness are not evil. But when evil and mental illness get combined, it can lead to some pretty bizarre crap on top of the abuse.

Then there is the factor that most sexual abusers are really after things like a sense of power, a sense of control, a sense of vengeance (self-deluded), or simply sadism, and if they can control emotionally, hurt someone emotionally, mess up someone's head, etc it all enticing to them, not just the sexual actions themselves.

But most important of all is understanding that any time someone is abused in any way, there will always be emotional abuse involved, by default. It's not so much a case of "why did they also emotionally abuse me?" but rather the reality is that emotional abuse happens by default because there are so many messages a child is given when they are abused, and those messages are damaging as hell.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I grew up being ritualisticly abused by a cult. The physical aspects were horrible, yes. Still not sure how I didn't die. But it's the mind games and emotional abuse that I struggle most with. I am at a point in therapy where I will write out a memory ahead of time. In my appointment, I read the memory out loud. Then my therapist and I dig through the mental and emotional stuff that haunts me but seems so inaccessible on my own. It's tedious but it works. I've turned some pretty major distortions around.

 

[Sideways]

In my mind, processing the trauma, I've seperated what was physically happening from the things I was being told and the lessons I was being taught about myself. I think that's because I could normalise the sexual acts - I hear about stuff like that on the news, I read about it in other peoples stories, and so it doesn't sound ludicrous. I stay in denial about the emotional parts, because they seem so unrealistic. So I can slowly work on what was physically happening with my therapist (although I still dissociate during any detailed recall), but it's taken 7 years to just own up to what I was being told, the things I had to learn, say out loud, etc.

But I don't think that separation has been helpful for my recovery, because they weren't seperate acts. I can't imagine how much courage it must take to be able to say "that's not true about me" - I get a smack of guilt just contemplating challenging it. My brain is still wired to believe that I have no right to think about myself in any other way.

I think maybe it would be helpful if instead of dwelling on how unreal it seems (because wow, I just got a post from someone who's also recovering from ritualistic abuse - never imagined that would happen), concentrate instead on what @Klo said - there is always emotional abuse. In my case, like with @nightwalker and @ShodokanJenn, a lot of the emotional abuse was express and overt, but that's just degrees of the same thing. It's not ludicrous, it's just that it was explicit. Maybe that will help normalise it, and draw it back into the one realm of "I was abused".

These replies have been insightful and incredibly brave. Thank you so much for your words, for taking a moment to contribute. It's like finally seeing a lifeboat in an ocean of stormy waters.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from the emotional abuse. Down is up and up is left but wait, I lied, down is actually right! It drives my paranoia. How can I trust anything when truth was relative and changed on a moment to moment basis? I don't know how to get past this stuff. It's created far worse issues than my other traumas. As far as I've come, I have a lot more healing to do. And not the faintest clue on how to even start.

 

[BlueOrange]

But I don't think that separation has been helpful for my recovery, because they weren't seperate acts.

Maybe. Maybe not. Pieces are often easier to handle than wholes. Being able to handle the pieces before you try to handle the whole thing can be useful.

 

[Sideways]

One of the great things about this forum is that, most of the time, it motivates me to start thinking more positively about my situation and how I'm doing. Everyone else here is battling the same demon, surely I can pull that off just as well?

And then there are times, like now, when I get overwhelmed with "who am I kidding?"

@evehRr

 

[Sideways]

Urgh! Phones!

@EveHarrington
"I don't know where to start"...I can talk about it. Theoretically. Like it's some kind of science project. Then I try and apply it to me, and end up having no idea what I'm doing or how to cope. I think maybe I've 'started', but honestly, it gets so awful, I'm potentially going backwards and wouldn't know.

One day at a time...although, I'd take a smaller piece if that was an option! *frustrated much*