Emotional Turmoil

[Rani G2]

it was yesterday, when I visited my mother, looked at the family album, that something happend. Even though I posted about "self respect" here, I wasnt doing that well.. as I do find it hard to complete certain needs in my day to day life, but I always try to do it. With a distance in my mind, reflect, acting without wearing myself out. To ask myself "If you dont do this today, you will not die, no one will judge you": I had this thinking mechanism (Complete the stuff that need to be done) in my mind and went to visit my mother whom I help with certain things.

I got angry, shouted.. I apologised. Things were okay again.
Looked at an old family album, and things got acute. I tried to sense my body, talk to my inner team, but it was still very hard to handle. Crying and feeling extremely exhausted.

Urgghhh.. but I am okay,

 

[Bloomy]

Im curious what is your relationship to your mother?
I dont know anything about your background so not sure what It ment to you to look at those photos.
I know for myself I go straight into dissociation looking at childhood photos. Hurts to bad.

Glad that you are ok today

And I reckognize the thinking mechanism you write about all though my self I ask What happens if I dont do this today - will it be consequenses and what consequenses - do I need to do this today and how will I feel if I do or dont do.

 

[Rani G2]

I have a "good" relationship to my mother. She is a very caring person and I did feel loved. at times I do tend to be blameful about certain things (Things that happend in the past). I dont know if I can say much about my background, I moved a lot as a child, my relations are everywhere. I lived in different places, boarding schools. It was a very chaotic past. Whose isnt???

my self I ask What happens if I dont do this today - will it be consequenses and what consequenses - do I need to do this today and how will I feel if I do or dont do.

I understand this well Bloomy. What I do is, I try to objectively ask myself if certain things are that important. Example (Might sound trivial): My bathtub is not clean, I need to clean it, but since a few days or so, I am not doing it. I work fulltime and I am tired. So I tell myself: Do you feel like doing it today? Are you getting killed if you dont? Is someone going to judge you? Who is judging you? And so on. Its an effort to relativise things. It doesnt mean I am not cleaning it forever, I will... but right now I wont. We are not the same everyday.

Does this make sense???

 

[Glo809]

Greetings

Yesterday morning after I got off work (I work oovernights ) the Mrs was grousing about the landlord.

Then she hit a trigger and I put my head down and stared at the floor, she came back into the room and asked 'what now'.

I do have to say that I'm new to this and so is she, by new I mean I've recently acknowledged that I had a problem, she is trying to cope, obviously I do not want her to walk on eggshells in her speech.

But I have to remove myself when this happens , so I do not react, we talked about what set me off later.

My old way was to swallow the anger.

My counselor is still trying to find ground zero, obviously I'm still hiding secrets.........

G

 

[Bloomy]

It makes sense indeed. I can reckognice that to. Isnt it about being good to one self and not strive for perfection? Not to be to hard on one self?
I used to say to my self that I cant be super woman every day. If Im super woman 2 - 3 days a week its enough

 

[Rani G2]

@Glo809 -

But I have to remove myself when this happens , so I do not react, we talked about what set me off later.

My old way was to swallow the anger.

You have made your self on the way to realize, comprehend and try to find better/or lets say "other" ways to deal with it. Dont know if you are on Traumatherapy or conversational, psychoanalyze?

What I find extremely difficuilt to handle a moment where I feel the one who is weak. Lets say I am discussing with someone, this someone is trying to argue, I dont like the one to be who is "gives in". I want to win, and be powerful and get that feeling of "look how headstrong I am". If I feel that I gave in, because of fear, I panic, I feel extremely weak and this is a feeling of falling apart, as if I cannot live anymore. Its an extremely strong emotion. I dont know if you can relate to this? Its this "offender-victim state". I dislike feeling like a victim, although objectively these situations aernt such ones. If I give in doesnt mean I am weak, its also a sign of self confidence to say "Okay, right now, I dont have the explanation to this, so I leave the conversation". It doesnt affect my core, and just because someone is arguing about something, or has the last word, doesnt mean he/or she wins.

Dont know if this is clear.

 

[Rani G2]

Isnt it about being good to one self and not strive for perfection? Not to be to hard on one self?
I used to say to my self that I cant be super woman every day. If Im super woman 2 - 3 days a week its enough

Yes, it is Bloomy. To differentiate those value systems that has been set upon us. A few years ago, I thought its egoism to take care of myself. It isnt, its the most important thing to do. Its essential

 

[Glo809]

Greetings
Let's say I'm a former first responder.

There are so many awful memories, and yes I to wanted to win, but if I didn't win, they lost everything.

This condition we all are dealing with has no one size fits all solution.

Like I said, I'm new to this, but searching for peace of mind.

G

 

[Bloomy]

About winning the arguement thing - Im not like win or loose in this concern, but I used to be a nrevous talker babbling to much It was a long lesson to learn how to back of and give room for others. Also in a argument when the other say something lets say not so smart I want to cave in and correct, but Ive learned no matter what to shut my big mouth and that not all arguments are battle to be won. Ok so I guess maybe subconscienly ve been trying to convince the oponent of my side then - hm....
Yes but I learned to back off. And its actually a good feeling that gives peace.

 

[Rani G2]

About winning the arguement thing - Im not like win or loose in this concern, but I used to be a nrevous talker babbling to much It was a long lesson to learn how to back of and give room for others

you are right. Its not a competition. I used to think that I was weak, when someone talked about his/her position and made a statement and I couldnt do it. It took me a while to really get a distance to understand that I dont have to have a opinion about everything, and it is totally okay when the other is not agreeing and I dont have to convince them. What do I get out of it anyway??

Yes but I learned to back off. And its actually a good feeling that gives peace.

True, one is no longer in chaines. Not a burden anymore.

 

[Bloomy]

Exactly Shankara, but I dont belive this is about being a burden do. Its about giving the space for a dialogue. Or the oportunity of such. Maybe the counterpart will not be aware and will stand in his position, but if you your self is aware then you will kwow when a conversation is just empty or if it can bear some fruits. If that makes sense?

 

[Rani G2]

I dont feel good. I feel extremely disconnected. Anxious. Urghh