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Emotionally Abusive Father?

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Kassandra

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Hello all,

Firstly, I hope you had a lovely Christmas (if you celebrate it), and if you're having an okay time during this holiday season.

My trauma dates back two years, when I was in an abusive relationship for several months that I could not escape (it was physically, emotionally, verbally abusive and financially exploitative as well...bad news).

When I got out of the relationship, I moved back in with my parents, who refused to acknowledge my PTSD diagnosis (in spite of my therapist and psychiatrist's persistence) for two years. They're both of the generation where PTSD is specific to soldiers returning from war, so it was difficult for them to accept. Eventually, a retraumatization occurred this past October, and they were both witness to it...it woke them up, in some manner of speaking.

Since then, I've been receiving even more therapy, of various sorts and degrees, and they have both been participating in an effort to understand the issues I am facing and to provide a supportive environment.

Or so I thought.

On Christmas Eve, I had a particularly nasty flashback, that resulted in me crying on the floor, rocking back-and-forth, etc. etc. I've gotten relatively good at bringing myself out of these eventually, but as I said, it was particularly rough, so I was having trouble getting myself grounded again.

My mother was very concerned, but my father completely lost it. He approached me with his finger raised and yelled "When was the last time you've been hit?????" (knowing full well that I had been hit by my original abuser). He then proceeded to tell me that I was "pathetic" and that my behavior was "all an act", that I was making everything up.

Later, when I had calmed down, we decided to have a group chat to sort through things. I asked him if he spoke the way he did because he still didn't believe I had PTSD, and he said bluntly that no he didn't believe it, and even if he did, he would never accept my behavior during the flashback as something that PTSD could cause. He said that everything I was doing was for attention.

Needless to say, we didn't have a cheery Christmas in my house this year. I wish that I was doing this for attention, because then at least I wouldn't have to live in almost constant torment because of my own mind, nor would I have to devote so much time/energy/resources to therapy, psychiatry, acupuncture, etc. etc.

But particularly because of his threat of violence, I no longer feel safe within the house. The problem is that my home (which has all of my personal belongings, as well as my cat and my mother) is my only safe place. During the initial trauma, knowing that my home and parents were there was what helped get me through. It helped me through the recent retrauma as well.

And now that is all gone. My foundation laid bare. This is causing an amount of tension I can't handle in my already diminished state, on top of putting my poor mother in the center of an irreconcilable issue.

I simply don't know what to do at this point. It took me several months to feel like I was making progress after the retrauma in October, and just as I was beginning to see the light, another wrench was thrown in my recovery. I keep thinking it can't get any worse...but I don't know what to do about this.
 
Wow! I am super sorry you had to experience this from someone who you should be supporting you. I honestly don't know what you should do, but I do want you to know that I care and believe you are not acting. PTSD is such a hard thing for people to grasp. Are financially able to move. Maybe with a roommate? I know my roommates struggled when I had them, but we're supportive.
 
Ouch. I'm really sorry. As I was reading this I was tempted to suggest that you ask him whether he thinks you could fake happiness as convincingly as you "faked" a flashback, if he thinks you are such a good actor. But I really don't think that would help. It sounds as if there is a lot of denial going on. Even if he didn't have anything to do with the abuse, maybe he feels threatened by the idea that his child could be going through this. Tearing down his image of a perfect family, maybe. If this is the case, there isn't much you can do until he is ready to face his own feelings. It sounds as if you will have to either move out, or set some boundaries around how much contact to have while in his house. Neither is easy. I wish I had any better ideas for you.
 
Sounds like my family. I too had a flashback on Christmas (yesterday) and they... well, they didn't respond well. Your dad and my family are completely in denial. And whether he means to disbelieve you or not, I understand that it still hurts. My prayers are with you and your family. Take care of yourself.:hug:
 
Thanks for both of your suggestions. I don't feel stable enough (financially or emotionally) to move out just yet, but it's definitely in the offing.

And, @sun seeker I actually have asked him in the past if he thought I could fake happiness as easily (it came up under a different circumstance) and he said that I not only could fake happiness, but that I should give it a try...that if I faked it long enough, it would actually "cure" my PTSD.

So, he's definitely not the most educated of folk. What really gets me is that he keeps insisting that he's trying to understand, but he's just walking the walking...not talking the talking. My mom is meanwhile attending NAMI sessions, working with her own therapist to understand, reading, researching, doing everything she can.

It's just a sad situation.

I'm inclined to just give in to him in order to make things smoother in the house and easier on my mother (she's the best, seriously!!! And I hate to see her in such agony). I'm not sure that that is what would be best for me, but...what's currently happening isn't great either.

It's a total catch-22.
 
WOW! Substitute Father for Mother and we have almost the exact same story :( I'm so sorry, I know it sucks so much!! My mother is always telling me I need to "get over it", best thing I ever did was move out and limit my contact with her to phone calls and once a year visits (Christmas time) She has been here for a week and leaves tomorrow! I can't wait to have my peaceful home back. I hope you can find peace ((Hugs))
 
I actually have asked him in the past if he thought I could fake happiness as easily (it came up under a different circumstance) and he said that I not only could fake happiness, but that I should give it a try...that if I faked it long enough, it would actually "cure" my PTSD.
Okay. Obviously trying to reason with him is only going to give you headaches. It's beyond frustrating when a family member is like this, isn't it?

I'm glad at least you have support from your mother.

Giving in to him sounds too much like giving up on yourself... but is there maybe a middle road? Not telling him he's right, but just letting him know the subject isn't up for discussion? If you hole up in your room when things get bad, will he leave you alone at least?
 
One thing that tends to happen with trauma is the lightning jump from A-Z. Instead of A-B-C-D-E.....T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z.

From what I read... It sounds like your father got angry &/or scared and yelled at you, not that he's abusive. Instead, that your parents -both of them- have always been quite safe.

So, too... That after your meltdown and his yelling, the three of you sat and talked it out. Not all 3 of you agreed, but you still sat and talked, honestly. Again, this spells safe to me, not abuse.

What I'm wondering here... Is if because of your abuse, you're instantly classifying any show of anger as murder-death-kill-abuse-run-evil-bad-911-emergency-disconnect-shutdown! Aka, A-Z. Like a leaf blowing is a predator, and a dropped bowl is a bomb, kind of overreaction that we're prone to. Ditto, any show of disagreement as an all out attack on your character/ betrayal/ gaslighting/ manipulation/ nooooooooooo. Couple an overreaction with someone you love disagreeing with you? Shrug. It's a recipe for turning a fairly normal thing in any healthy relationship ... into WWIII. Because it's patterning off of the abusive relationship lessons, instead of healthy relationship norms.

You don't feel safe... Is that because you actually aren't safe?
Or because PTSD hypervig (Attacker! ... Um. Blowing leaf)
& the warped abuse lens is is running riot at present?
 
I think my mind definitely jumps to these conclusions, and I realize that. However, my father acknowledged that the way he behaved and what he said was abusive. He was also very involved with physically punishing me as a child (obviously, some people agree with excessively spanking children who misbehave, etc. etc., but it did leave an indelible memory in my mind that has persisted).

My relationship with him has always been strained, at best. There has been an underlying fear there since I was a young child (he's quite an intimidating man), and he's made it very clear that he values my mother and his dog much much more than he values me. I've always thought that if he became angry enough, he would actually hurt me, so most of the time I avoid him when he's angry or try not to exacerbate his anger. I felt that way prior to my PTSD, so now the feeling is just elevated to a whole new level.

I think I don't feel safe at this moment because of the PTSD, you're absolutely right. I wish I could just shut off the fight/flight response that's pinging in my brain haha.

At the same time, there are added levels of complexity given my pre-existing relationship with the man.
 
My mother was very concerned, but my father completely lost it. He approached me with his finger raised and yelled "When was the last time you've been hit?????" (knowing full well that I had been hit by my original abuser). He then proceeded to tell me that I was "pathetic" and that my behavior was "all an act", that I was making everything up.
This part of it is actually emotionally abusive. Your PTSD may be causing you to distort how much danger you are in, yes, but that doesn't make his behaviour all right. That and making it clear that he values his dog so much more than you... ouch.

One of the problems with PTSD is because of the hypervigilance we know we sometimes overreact, and we are so used to that that we aren't sure we trust our own judgement when something seems dangerous to us. At times like that it can help to do a reality check. My contribution to that is to say it doesn't sound like you are in any physical danger, but yes, your father's behaviour is emotionally abusive and anyone would be hurt by it.
 
(((hugs)))

Consider asking your family to go to a session with you (after talking to your therapist). It may be met with your father's flat out refusal, so consider asking the therapist his/her feelings on just talking to your Dad & Mom as well.

The reason is as follows, your father's softer fears (cause of anger at times), or denial attitude will reveal much as to your Family of Origin. Your T can use this info to assist you and offer insight in the sequential sessions.

My Mom got up to the office, froze and wouldn't go in...spoke volumes to me and the T. I was not wounded or hurt from that, I understood much more. I was strong and not afraid to accept the good, the bad and the ugly to heal. She was afraid to face what she chided me on...an acronym.

It does not matter what we may have, it can be anything, not all family members, friends nor (fill in the blank)______ will be willing to assist in our journey. That is why we love the stories of lore, like Frodo and Sam and The Lord of the rings. For no matter how small they may make us feel or out to be -
we are capable of wondrous things within our journey...to heal.
Frodo-and-Sam-lord-of-the-rings-3138671-600-833.webp We got your back. Journey on forward my friend..
 
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