Relationship Emotionally Shutting Down

[blue_eyes18]

So I just got out of a relationship with my partner. We were together for a good while. But my question is this..

Has anyone ever experienced being shut out when you argued with your sufferer? I know that sufferers shut down and retreat emotionally, in general, when they are experiencing symptoms, etc. But my ex used to shut down when we would even have little arguments. Things I thought we should just be able to let go of or drop, she would get so angry, she would go silent.

For example, one time, while staying at a hotel, we had a little fight when we first woke up when I made a reference to her seeming grumpy. It was supposed to be funny, but apparently my joke missed the mark and she got angry with me instead. I tried to apologize and explain it was for fun, but instead, she just went silent and refused to respond. I tried to hug her and let the situation drop, but it was not happening. She told me to get off of her, and continued on with the silence for a long time.

I suppose that's the form of emotional shutting down I'm referencing. Is that a PTSD symptom, or is that just a personal trait? Just general curiosity.

 

[mrsps]

Yep sounds like me! Hubby and I dont really argue but if we have a small disagreement I struggle to express the words so I do the silent treatment (not for too long though) I wish I didn't respond like this but I do :(

 

[blue_eyes18]

How does your hubby handle it? And how would you like for him to handle it? Or is this an issue you need to be able to handle on your own and fix?

 

[Tinyflame]

My understanding of retreating or shutting down emotionally is the opposite of anger. Not an anger-motivated silence. I might be totally off base but she sounded angry- maybe 'grumpy' or bad sleep already, as you said?

Oops, post came in while typing, well there you go- someone is always familiar, & we are both the same & different in ways as people. :)

 

[blue_eyes18]

Yes, she was angry. And then became unable to communicate .. or unwilling, perhaps? She didn't find my comment funny and instead found it offensive, and then shut down out of anger afterwards.

 

[mrsps]

My guess is that she doesn't know how to express herself. Once she has calmed down and is back to normal can you carefully bring the subject up with her and ask why she shuts down as only she can tell you why she does. :)

 

[blue_eyes18]

That's very logical and practical advice. I never thought about it as her being unable to explain why she's mad. I always just interpreted it as her being intentionally hurtful.

So your suggestion would have been to relax and let her know she can talk to me about it when she's ready? And then let her stay mad and talk about it after cooled off?

She always said she wanted to stop that behavior. That she hated feeling like she was emotionally abandoning me. So I would call her out on it when she was doing it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I wonder how 'normal' couples are in those situations.

A woman where i work said that when she and her husband argue, they don't talk for days, then when they have to, they go back to talking and forget the argument. Another woman said that she hates going to sleep on an argument, so she'll confront her husband and argue it out. My point being that normal couples have arguments, and they all handle it differently.

Not everything is PTSD, and to be told you seem grumpy first thing in the morning, get pissed about it, and not want the person to cuddle you until being a bit more chilled, seems like a perfectly normal couple thing to do.[DOUBLEPOST=1404971437,1404971370][/DOUBLEPOST]Are you being too much of a perfectionist do you think?

 

[blue_eyes18]

Perhaps you are correct, meadowsweet. Good point. I guess that was my main point of the post; Is that her personal trait or is that PTSD? So I suppose that's just her and how she personally deals with frustration.

I don't handle misunderstandings like that. If I'm hurt, I just shake things off because to me, they aren't worth staying mad at.

 

[NovaTex]

So hard to navigate normal, PTSD or not. ;)

I know I often get silent because I need to sort through my emotions and check what is logical and what is not. I can think a minor thing is bigger than it is, or a major thing is smaller than it is. So my response time can really stink, but once my responses happen they are pretty accurate. This trait does drive my boyfriend crazy, but he has seen how upset I Ian get without my processing time, so he probably prefers I just continue shutting up ;)

Perhaps giving her some space when she is upset could help? Maybe talk to her about how she would like you to respond when she falls silent? It has been hard for my boyfriend to understand that my silence means I want time to respond later, although I will listen to what he has to say . . .

Did someone mention normal? What's that again? ;)

 

[blackswan]

It's neurologically impossible to engage executive functions (planning, reason, memory etc) when emotionally overwhelmed. Good old amygdala and the rest of the limbic system jump into the driver's seat, and then they refuse to budge until the whole system has calmed down. Anything over a 6/10 or 7/10 in distress and most people struggle to articulate their feelings.

It's actually supporter me rather than sufferer boyfriend who reaches this point faster in our arguments (apart from direct triggers). His emotional tank seems to be about twice the size of mine and I just top out faster. Once I hit that point I have to put myself away alone in a dark, quiet room for a good half hour of deep breathing before I can start talking again. For me, it's not shutting down because I'm angry but rather shutting down out of fear of being angry. Just how I work. As long as I work within my emotional threshold it's not an issue.

 

[scout86]

You've given me something to think about!

My ex used to pick fights (my perception) then he seemed to want to get caught in an endless loop of bickering that could only be resolved by me agreeing with him. From my point of view, he left me 2 options, "kill him or walk away." (I hadn't really thought about this coming down to "fight or flight" until just now.) Because there was no way I was going to get caught up in the loop of endless bickering, I'd usually opt for walking away. Part of my brain is well aware that "killing him" wasn't a socially acceptable option. (If he hadn't been smart enough to let me walk away, I'm not really sure what would have happened!)

Out of curiosity, what do you think your gf "should:" have done? (BTW, I'm not sure that anyone who looks like the might be "grumpy" is up for being teased. Kind of like poking a bear, you know?)