End Of My Rope -- My Fixation With Vigilantism

[Kintsugi]

I'm getting worse and worse with my preoccupation with revenge. I rarely allow myself to feel the anger I know I deeply harbor in myself, and now that I'm getting back into treatment and dragging it all up, I feel like I'm just embodied by wrath. I deal with anger poorly, internalizing and self-destructing rather than acting out against other things (pillows, for instance). I can't cause pain to a punching bag and I can't cause pain to those who hurt me. Except, I can.

I can cause pain to those who hurt me, but it could end terribly. I know that. I don't want to be responsible for all of that. And at the same time, I do. In fact, not only do I desire this retribution, I feel like not getting it hurts my relationship with myself and those I'm close to. I feel a lot of betrayal from people who were mortified to hear about my experience and went on to have cordial relationships with my abusers (particularly my brother, as it was hard not to run into him in my house). When one of my friends heard of the abuse, he said, "Don't let me meet your brother, because I'll just punch him, and then your mom won't like me anymore." I never let them meet, not because I was afraid my friend would hurt my brother but because I was afraid he wouldn't.

Now I increasingly feel the need to reach out to my contacts and give them the go-ahead. I don't know how to stop these thoughts.

 

[Cheshire]

I don't have any ideas on how you could stop these thoughts either. Sorry, I know that's not helpful. I bounce between feeling this and then feeling extreme guilt for even considering it. All I can suggest is to find a constructive way to let out your anger.. write it out, paint it out, scream it into your pillow, crank some seriously loud, angry music and let the rage flow out that way. It's not a permanent fix but maybe it will ease it enough to be bearable again.

Hugs to you.. take care of yourself.

 

[caliaviator]

Well, so many things have happened to me to where I have nearly zero faith in the justice system. In many ways I want to line up all the people who have wronged me, tormented me, and made my life hell and give them exactly what they gave me. What keeps me from pursuing that is that if everyone had that power they would all do it, and if that happened nobody would be left standing; even me. I can't say I've forgiven them all, if anything it's just been suppressed and buried and now I'm doing my best to deal with it.

I deal with it in a combination of ways. Writing, which really helps me relieve this stress, is pretty much the primary way that I let out my frustration. Try to find ways to improve yourself so it will take your mind off of other people. If you have neglected a great deal of yourself it might boost your spirits up. Sure people can hurt you but if there is one thing that pisses people off is how you made it on top while they're stuck in the pits. Just yesterday I saw one of my bullies and he worked at a fast food joint. I'm still kind of new when it comes to coping with these feelings constructively, and if I discover more things I'll let you know. But in the meantime I hope I helped out a bit.

 

[The Albatross]

I see this sort of thinking as my extension of sense of control and power. I was at a point where I could have very easily done this to my ex husband. But when it all came down to it I was not willing to accept personal responsibility. And make no doubt, that's what it would have been. My mom had people ready to break his elbows and knees. I had to give the "yea or nay". I chose nay. When it all boiled down to it, I was comfortble with my position... who knew if he would ever be called to account for what happened to me. But I was not willing to reap the consequences of retribution.

I had the ability and chose to save my "soul". I only hope that if there's a God he will see some mercy in me.

 

[The Albatross]

I didn't get payback with my ex. He prospered. I think that has been the hardest of all. But I'm still glad I had the opportunity to choose not to retaliate.

 

[caliaviator]

I didn't get payback with my ex. He prospered.

I typically hold onto the fact that we and will be held accountable for our actions. In a lot of ways this has helped me in a sense with 1. Keeping myself in check and 2. Not dwelling on the people who hurt me. Sometimes the thoughts do creep in, and when they do I just concentrate on myself. I suppose in some way I think that if I do improve enough that those people in the past who hurt me won't have anything on me because they attacked the past me, and I'm different from that part of myself. Though the hurt still lingers. In that case it has to come out in a healthy way, otherwise we end up in a lose-lose situation.

The "when life gives you lemons you make lemonade" saying is utter bull****. I typically adopt the "There is no bigger insult to your adversary than to survive and emerge stronger than before in spite of them".

 

[The Albatross]

My ex still stalks me. He knows where I am, and he "wants to come to my door". He "loves" me still. Uh, nope. I got no delusions on that score that wasn't love when he broke my ribs, and nose and gave me two black eyes and raped me leaving two handprints around my neck because HE had an affair.

I hope, that whatever I may become won't be dependant on a sense of fair. Because, I haven't seen one wit of it anywhere. Not in my life. Those who prosper climb the ladder on our backs. At my worst I hope they choke on it. At my best I am just glad to still be breathing.

 

[ronin47]

Go to the gym. Do some weight lifting. And while you're lifting weights, think about your brother and how much you want to decapitate him. Use that energy to push the weight up and give yourself strength. You could even just do push ups to some loud music and think the same thing.

Nothing good can come of you wreaking revenge. I've said this before, but it won't make the pain go away.

 

[Cheshire]

I typically adopt the "There is no bigger insult to your adversary than to survive and emerge stronger than before in spite of them".​

That's my theory, too. "You tried to kill me, but guess what? You f*cking failed. I hope it hurts."

 

[The Albatross]

That's my theory, too. "You tried to kill me, but guess what? You f*cking failed. I hope it hurts."

I aspire to be that brave, but this guy was mega twisted and out for my life. I'll get there though one day.

 

[Cheshire]

I don't always think that way.. but I try to remind myself of that when I'm feeling down or lost or scared or.. whatever else. It makes me feel better to think he failed. On my bad days I feel like I'd be better off dead and he's basically taken my life away, my sanity, my heart, my physical strength, he's put 25 scars on my body and damaged my left arm to the point that I can barely use it, but then I remind myself that just to be able to think that in the first place means I'm still alive. Has to be a good thing, right?

 

[caliaviator]

That's my theory, too.

It's the one and only reason why I'm still here today. It's the anger that kept me alive, the hatred, but the bad thing is that it permeates every part of my life now. I had to become someone else to survive. The therapist wants to break this down now when this is the only thing I've known for 16 years. Anger in the short term is a great way to overcome adversity. But anger for such a long term it's literally twisted me into something that even I am terrified of. I still plan to keep the anger for the short term, but I started to realize that it isn't feasible for living in the long term.

To be honest I really don't know how to survive without anger and hatred, and it's a wonder that I haven't turned into a career criminal or someone who hurts people who didn't deserve it. It might be because there is a part of me that doesn't want to make people go through what I have. That might be why I'm not a vigilante despite my feelings that I can deliver true and fair justice. Truth is I really can't and I hold onto that fact. It's really a huge conflict within me.