I'm trying to get into therapy, but I have to go to a sliding scale therapist, and I'm having trouble because they're all so booked. I'm currently on 2 2-month waiting lists.
I can't stop thinking about my ex. I just wish I had found this forum, before I broke up with him. Or even at the point that we were trying to work things out after that. I just didn't know how to deal with the manifestations of me triggering him.
Now I'm struggling w my OWN PTSD symptoms. Obsessing. Anxiety. Constant grief. Guilt. I struggle every day to NOT contact him. I write him letters that I don't send. I mull in my head what I would say to him, if he were to contact me.
Our last IM convo..he sounded like he hates me. But everything he said about me was wrong. I was not trying to fight him. I was not trying to manipulate him. All I wanted was another chance. He gave me that chance, but then he was too triggered to continue. I think he was so triggered, he ascribed his abusive ex's characteristics to me. Someone on the forum said, think how it would feel to constantly be living down what someone else did. Because I've been in his shoes, and thought someone was cheating on me or lying to me, simply because I had so many exes do that, I understand my ex's pain of not knowing whether I'm just like his ex.
And I just miss him so much. I can't stop thinking about how sweet he is. Even the last night we saw each other, we were holding hands after a movie date. Things were going well. He was worried about me cuz someone had gotten shot, 3 blocks away from me. He asked if I wanted to stay with him for a while. I said I couldn't leave my 2 cats. He said "You can bring the cats." But then later in the night, he was crying in my car, telling me he was scared I would "stab him in my sleep."
I just wish that instead of breaking it off, we could've gone to counseling. I find it hard to believe that this is what he truly wants.
I can't stop thinking about my ex. I just wish I had found this forum, before I broke up with him. Or even at the point that we were trying to work things out after that. I just didn't know how to deal with the manifestations of me triggering him.
Now I'm struggling w my OWN PTSD symptoms. Obsessing. Anxiety. Constant grief. Guilt. I struggle every day to NOT contact him. I write him letters that I don't send. I mull in my head what I would say to him, if he were to contact me.
Our last IM convo..he sounded like he hates me. But everything he said about me was wrong. I was not trying to fight him. I was not trying to manipulate him. All I wanted was another chance. He gave me that chance, but then he was too triggered to continue. I think he was so triggered, he ascribed his abusive ex's characteristics to me. Someone on the forum said, think how it would feel to constantly be living down what someone else did. Because I've been in his shoes, and thought someone was cheating on me or lying to me, simply because I had so many exes do that, I understand my ex's pain of not knowing whether I'm just like his ex.
And I just miss him so much. I can't stop thinking about how sweet he is. Even the last night we saw each other, we were holding hands after a movie date. Things were going well. He was worried about me cuz someone had gotten shot, 3 blocks away from me. He asked if I wanted to stay with him for a while. I said I couldn't leave my 2 cats. He said "You can bring the cats." But then later in the night, he was crying in my car, telling me he was scared I would "stab him in my sleep."
I just wish that instead of breaking it off, we could've gone to counseling. I find it hard to believe that this is what he truly wants.
