Every Single Bad Thing About Me Makes Me Want To Puke And I Feel Like I Will Fail In Life.

[Deleted member 28403]

Title says a part.

I get seriously anxious over any weight gain, I feel really bad about it and.hate myself, it's awful because of how much anxiety magnifies it :cry:.

I didn't have A+ in musicians school at the half of year, instead I ended up with an A as main grade, and here I am, filled with fears of failing in musicians school, not being able to go to musicians high school or academy, torn by fears, and as expected, selfharming again :cry: Just bleeding :(... I get afraid of what will I do in highschool, and have fears of completely failing high school, I feel really bad :( I don't know what to do, it makes me angry because I'm unable to do.anything abiut fears, and all I ever get from parents is the stuff in stype of "If it weren't true, you could stop worrying" and they put me down. I'm sad. I don't know how to magically get self confidence, I feel bad. Don't know what to do... And not knowing makes me feel even stupider, even more handicapped :cry: I hate myself...

All I ever see are bad sides of me, and I hate myself... I'm just afraid of failing in life all the time... Ugh... Will take a break now and post this, then maybe write more later to reply.

 

[zeckster81]

I once read somewhere that those who suffer most are the most beautiful people because they know pain. You have gifts you don't even know about. I bet you listen and understand your peers well. I bet you are good at music because it's a healing tool for you. You probably put your soul into it. Just some thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

There is obviously a lot going on inside your mind right now. Sometimes things can get so overwhelming it can feel like your mind is overflowing with all the crappy stuff that's going on. Like you're not in control of it anymore. I'm going to try to help you get back to earth again, okay?

First of all: breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Just sit still and focus on your breathing for a while. All the stuff that's going on right now isn't going to change in the next 15 minutes, correct? So take the time to relax, get back in touch with yourself. The world is not going to fall apart, you are going to get through this. Just breathe.

When you've calmed down, try writing down what it is that is worrying you right now. It doesn't have to be an essay or perfectly styled. Just as long as it makes sense to you. Get those overwhelming thoughts out of your head and onto the paper (or a Word document on your computer). Get it all out, your worries, your fears, what you're angry about, what you're sad about, what's happening and everything else. No need to dwell on them, just get it out.

My therapist has given me an exercise for when I get anxious about something. To me it's really useful, so I'm going to share it with you and I hope it's going to help you. Go through the next steps one by one for everything concrete that you are worrying about. For example: your fear of failing musicians' school.

1. State the thing that you're afraid of (in this example: failing school)
2. Ask yourself this: why are you afraid you're going to fail school?
3. Do you have any evidence that supports your theory that you are going to fail (i.e.: bad grades, lack of motivation)?
4. Do you have any evidence that contradicts your theory (i.e.: good grades like your current average of an A,wanting to succeed)?
5. Compare the evidence you have both in favour and against your theory and weigh the arguments. What are the odds that each of those points are true? Which side provides the strongest evidence; against or in favour of the theory?
6. Is there any other way this situation could go / any other way you could interpret this situation(i.e.: the chance of the teachers failing me is low, because they know how hard I work / I am probably worrying too much, because I tend to do that when I'm stressed)?

Because it's a completely rational exercise, I find it gets me back in touch with myself and the real world as it actually is. It helps me perceive things in a less panicky way, so I can deal with them.

I hope this is helpful to you. And I just want you to know that you can get through this. I am far from healed, but I am managing and working on it. And as a former anorexic (who is still struggling sometimes) I can say that even for me the weight gain turned out not to be as extreme and terrifying as I'd thought. My mind still needs a lot of fixing, but at least I can now take care of myself.

Thinking of you :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Snowwhite The thing is, I really can't control my brain, or write stuff down.

Btw, I'm not anorexic, I just have disordered eating, either overeating or starving... I am really messy and unstabke often :cry:.

 

[Friday]

Ditto @Snowwhite ... That's a process for learning control over your brain / part of emotional monitoring and regulation... Countering emotion with logic.

Also... Have you tried pouring your pain and frustration into your music? (Didn't know you played!) Art evokes emotion, it can also transmute it, change it. So if you play, instead of self harming, you can hold that perfect note, or flash your fingerlings faster & faster, or drop in and out of minor key, follow your heartbeat, slow your heartbeat down, etc. (Similar, if you draw/ paint/ sculpt/ any other kind of art... But music seems to be the most cathartic).

 

[joeylittle]

The thing is, I really can't control my brain, or write stuff down.

You can; you just don't practice it very often, so it seems impossible. But if you think about anything you've learned how to do - once you couldn't imagine it being possible, and now it's just something you do. It takes work, but it is worthwhile, because it alleviates some of the suffering.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Many skills don't work right away. You have to practice, practice, practice before they have an effect. I had to work at meditation for NINE months before it worked. Yet, many people dismiss it because it doesn't work immediately for them. So, I encourage you to start working on your coping skills. In time you will notice a difference.