Ex Routinely Tries To Get Into My House At All Hours

[St.Maybe]

First and foremost, whoever happens upon this, I wish you excellent health and excessive laughter.
I've been on here (/online in general) significantly less in the past several months, and I'm nervous to throw this out there but I really need help.

It's been about 6 months since I broke up with my ex. I'd decided to get my life together and quit using drugs as a coping mechanism, and he continued to struggle with his addiction, so we split. If it hadn't been that way, I'd probably still be in an insanely toxic relationship without knowing just how bad things really were- from the gaslighting to keeping me up for days to the shouting, lack of boundaries, and other various manipulation tactics, I was in a shitshow, my friends, and I honeslty did not know that what I was dealing with wasn't normal.

My ex's drug of choice is known to cause extreme psychosis, and that's really the gist of what is alarming me right now. He went cuckoobananas after using it for a while, and I eventually had to insist that he stay away form me indefinitely- no longer willing to maintain any kind of relationship. I left things open for him to email or text me, however, in the in-between time in case he found that we still had belongings to exchange. Since I asked him explicitly to A) never come by again and to B) to text/emal exclusively within 3 days of when he wanted to exchange belongings... he has come to my home more times than I know, knocking on my door and rattling the knob well after midnight. He's called many times and he has never texted or emailed. And, well, I'm finally getting the idea that he has been stalking me.

While we dated and after we split, he would try to convince me that I needed him in order to feel safe (he would say just that). On several occasions, he commented that he would never let me leave him, and I brushed it off because, well, it was creepy and I wasn't trying to hear that... I never took it seriously. But now, I'm wishing I would have, because this guy has next to no sense of boundaries.

I've been having nightmares about him, and obsessively check that he is not in my back yard... where he's slept on four occasions in the hopes that I would eventually let him in again.

I'm sad to see him in this state, and scared, but ultimately I just need to feel safe and I don't know what to do. If I caved and actually called the cops, despite every bit of my upbringing and general selfy-ness struggling against the idea, I don't even know how I'd do or deal with that...

>.< Akh. Well, I just really needed to throw that out into the world where a human might read it because I feel more alone than I have in a long time.

xx
Reno

 

[Friday]

I know when drugs are involved there's usually a huge do-not-involve-police in your problems piece that comes along with it. However, if he won't listen to you & take you seriously... Then it's time to start thinking about backup. Whether that backup is someone who can sit his ass down and make it plain that he is not to come near you, your home, your work, or there will be consequences... Or a piece of paper that -essentially- says the same thing? You need someone you can call, and help take the weight off your shoulders.

 

[Jacqueline1]

Hi Reno
Please call or go to the police and let them know what's happening. They can call a judge at anytime for a temp restraining order if your feeling unsafe. He sounds like my EX husband. I came home to him sleeping on the front porch one day. I won't get into what happened but the police pressed the charges and put him in jail. please let someone know of his behavior for your safety hon. and look into counseling as well. I wish you well. take care.

 

[St.Maybe]

@Friday and @Jacqueline1

He's in so much legal trouble already, I don't know if I should worry more or less about the repercussions he might face for my calling the cops... and besides smoking like a chimney, I don't guess I have any real reason not to call, outside of what feels like a bone-deep aversion to the idea <_<

:3 thanks for responding. I haven't told anyone about it yet but I think it's been time for a while. I did apply for a restraining order, but where I live, my case doesn't qualify.

 

[aut555]

Think if you feel unsafe, if you think he will break-in, or worse, attack you, you do have to involve the police. Check to see about stalking laws in your state is another possibility. He may slide all the way down, and in his psychosis, try to drag you down with him. I am assuming there are no guns, and he never threatened you physically or with a weapon. But you also need to understand that this could change. If he shows up, see if you can video him on your phone approaching house and document.

Its great you took responsibility and left.

 

[Friday]

I don't guess I have any real reason not to call, outside of what feels like a bone-deep aversion to the idea <_<

Yeah. That's part of what I figured was up. And it's one of the hard transitions to make getting clean & leaving one world behind you... Different resources being at your disposal. There tends to be a bit of a gap. When old resources are no longer at hand, and new resources aren't in mind, yet.

Since you're still in email contact? That is one middle ground. "I do not want to involve the police. But if you keep showing up, I will. Your decision. If you want to meet with me, you set up a time. You do not just show up. Don't force my hand in this. I don't want to go there. But I will if you make me."

^^^
That may or may not be a good idea to send to him. Fair warning = fair play / no betrayal with some people, the threat is as good as the betrayal with others. IDK him. But in making the transition, it's a good thing to keep in mind. You are responding to HIS actions. You aren't after him, you're not the one making his life whatever. You're responding to his actions. His choices. Being tough as nails? Looks different, in different worlds. It's still fair play. Whether you're calling Fat Freddy, or 911. Someone comes after you? You have the right to fight back. Always.

 

[Jacqueline1]

I'd consider letting someone know and keep a journal of when where and times your seeing him. just please stay safe

 

[St.Maybe]

@Friday how... did you know... about Fat Freddie? <_< lol
You're right, though... each of you.

I don't know what it is that makes me feel like I have to coddle people who've hurt me, or anyone at all really.
I'm just going to call the next time he shows up... it sucks to be restrained or taken against your will but... it's not my fault if he can't follow instructions...

XX
Reno
(THANK YOU!!!)

 

[aut555]

@Friday how... did you know... about Fat Freddie? <_< lol
You're right, though... e...

It's because you care about people but when you are finally face to face with physical danger, all the caring in the world won't save you. I spent years trying to get through, but you can't change the mindset of men on a downward spiral, mental health issues, drug dependency, immaturity. You need to understand that you may need to look at co-dependency, and why you need a less then desirable person to save when you are important. You have to take care of yourself first in life. Sorry, l hope this didn't come across as harsh. So thankful you are standing up and taking action. Yes, l left a relationship due to someone's abuse with you name the substance, when l was younger.