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Expecting Sex (rant)

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I guess you will never know what I meant by my former and latter post. What a shame. I'm sure you'll assume something or make something up out of my words.

How can I be assuming, if I've just said to you that I don't understand your words?

Me saying I may have misunderstood and don't understand means that I'm not assuming anything, and am listening if you choose to explain more.

I don't need the aggression.[DOUBLEPOST=1402615089,1402614790][/DOUBLEPOST]
people are doing a crapload of assuming and rewording, discarding words, to suit their bias.

It does, but on the internet, I think it's kind of expected that words get misunderstood. But there's the option to just explain a bit better next time. It only becomes a problem when people take it personally, or get personal about their assumptions.
 
I think it happens a lot here, more so to do with sexual topics, and then mental illness symptoms shorten all our attitudes at times for a quick response versus an edited response. It is too easy to just say something on the Internet... without much further concern. A good and bad thing equally.
 
@anthony , I go to forums with a spiritual interest, I have found that the assumptions there are far more ingrained than what I see here. People with mental health issues may be quick to react, but a lot of people here have had enough therapy to be able to say 'ok, I need to look at why I'm feeling like this'. Like I said to Laura about this thread, I might have had a rant, but I look at why I'm feeling like that too. I know people are all in different places of recovery, but i think there are more people here who will accept they misjudge sometimes, than there are on the other forums I go to.
 
I apologize if I misread your post, which I apparently did. The conversation about what a woman wears "causing" rape is older than I am by far. Trying to understand this and many other topics I've tried most of my life to read, watch, listen to many shows and conversations over my 48 yrs on this and many other topics including race, sexuality, religion, and avoiding politics. I guess I generalized some of those into my post. Once again I apologize.

Almost all healthy men do NOT look for lack of confidence or self worth. They want a partner who won't go psycho on them and ruin their lives.

This was an over generalization, not a statement directed towards you. I am sorry if I worded it in a way you took as directed at you.
 
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@Katarina19

Exactly the quotes @Meadowsweet highlighted is EXACTLY where I got the impression you WERE pointing to it being what women wear hat at least in PART leads to them being raped.

It is ridiculous to say men who rape are more tempted by and / or see women wearing skimpy clothes that makes them lust after her or helps excite them to rape in any way.

Rape is not about sex. It is NOT about what the women was wearing.

She could be walking down the street fully naked in the dark and if she is raped it is NOT her fault. It is the fault of sick rapist.

There is NEVER a justifiable reason or excuse as to why he raped.

You cannot blame that he is a man and has urges and can't heal it if he sees a half dressed woman and ends up raping her.

Men rape babies; they rape elderly women. They are rapists just like those men that rape women who happen to be wearing a short skirt. It is NOT about attraction or lust - is it about POWER.

To allude to anything other than it being FULLY HIS FAULT is saying the woman is somehow at fault or partially to blame. I think you really just cannot see it that way.

I really do think you just cannot see how your comments imply what they do.
 
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I think it's sad that you're all attatcking me based on my opinions. I not once said the victim was to blame and I didn't say men raped women because of what they were wearing. Please just stop, your comments are getting quite upsetting and I would very much appreciate it if you would stop saying I am victim blaming and that I can't see how women are the the victoms. I WAS RAPED. I know how I feel about it and I have MY opinions. My opinion is not that the women is to blame and it is not that her clothing is what causes rape. They way you call me a victim blamer makes me feel as though none of you have stopped to think that I know what I am talking about FROM MY OWN PERSPECTIVE. I know what rape is, I know it's to do with power. So please just stop.

Like I said, I'm quite upset. A couple of you have both ruined my night last night, I was in tears and my boyfriend had to ring me up to calm me down, and now my morning. I know I shouldn't be on this, my boyfriend would hate it if I was on it now, but it's horrible what you're saying and you are verbally attacking me, both of you @Solara and @NovemberStar. And this isn't the first time @Solara.
What gives you the right to tell me my opinions are skewed? They're my opinions not yours, so go away and leave me to them? Also the fact you posted on this thread, purely to inslut me and attack me, is horrendous. Go find something better do with your time than hurt other people.

@anthony, I don't expect you to work miracles and I know that ALL of our posts have hints of agression or rudeness (including my own) but the last couple of posts have quite upset me. The fact they are blatantly directed at me, having a go at me for my opinions is sad and mean and I honestly do not think it is right. Please can you put it across that people can upset people by what they write, especially in such agressive ways and ways in which they single people out. I ask this because no one apparently listens to me or reads my post. But it is an issue I have seen many times on this website where people believe that their opinion is law and that everyone else has skewed opinions, it hurts people's feelings when someone comes along and invalidates that opinion. It's also a common thing on this website for people to attack and single out people, continuously through out the thread, and continue to make snide remarks or rudely disagree with them (in agressive or unpleasent ways). I've seen it too much and I very much dislike it, as would a couple other people on this site, I am assuming (I could be wrong and I could be the only person who sees something wrong with the way people behave on here, but I doubt that). So please could you do something, make a post or whatever expressing the fact this kind of behaviour is wrong?

I'd expect people to be supportive and kind and whilst a lot of you are, there are a toxic few who seem to take pleasure in invalidating other peoples feelings. That is what I feel, invalidated and hurt. I'm not victim blaming.
 
It is ridiculous to say men who rape are more tempted by and / or see women wearing skimpy clothes that makes them lust after her or helps excite them to rape in any way.

Men like naked women. It's pretty much a fact. Put a rapist with a power lust in front of a woman wearing skimpy clothing and a fully dressed woman. Which one will he most likely go for?

I think a lot of you want to justify the fact you can wear what ever you like (whilst you can) and not get looks or judged or a couple snide remarks from other people. You also want to justify that you are the victim, and yes you are.
Men who rape, they still have attraction, they still have lust and desire. My boyfriend found me attractive when we first met. My ex-boyfriend also found me attractive when we first met - 2 weeks into the relationship, he attempted to rape me. It was the attraction that first brought us together and then when he realised I was 'easy prey' and had low self-esteem and had a lack of confidence, he used his power over me to try and rape me.

Men who rape don't have one thought in life, which is rape. For starters, they don't think of it as rape - which is wrong, but it's true. Secondly, they do have lives and they do have the same attraction and lust and desire like I mentioned before. They also have a power lust, which is a personality trait by the way. And almost all of them have a mental issue with control, they have to be in control and when they're not, they get violent (either physically, verbally or sexually). But you cannot solely say that this one thought of power or control is what motivates them to rape. They have a million other feelings going on in their heads, attraction being one of them. They're more often not, physically attracted to the women they rape. And it is a fact that men like women who wear little clothing - they find them PHYSICALLY attractive. Like @Barberian said about porn. A massive population of people watch porn, why? Because the women are either dressed very provocatively or naked - it turns them on. Little clothing often equals a turned on man, if any of you have had sex with a husband or wife or are in a relationship, would know this.

Throw a control issue (most likely stemming from a rough childhood) into the mix and you have a turned on (by your appearance) man with a control problem, how is he going to get that control, what can he control? Well he can control you. He could control you in many different ways if he didn't have that physical attraction to you. He could stop you seeing friends, stop you going out, he could even stop you eating and that would all give him a sense of control and power over you. But why rape? Because he's likes how you look, it turns him on sexually. And so he finds a way he can control you whilst getting the pleasure he seeks, i.e. rape. 1) you're most vulnerable when you're naked or exposed, 2) he's going to get his pleasure out of it, 3) he's getting that sense of control and power over you.

Men have to have a prior attraction to you, physically and sexually, before they set out to rape you. Otherwise they would find control and power in other ways and see to themselves in regards to sex. Either that or this man who has control issues but does not rape women, can still have sex with them, he'd just want to feel in control during it. Anyway, my point is, there needs to be that prior attraction before they rape you - this is the case for men in a relationship who rape. For women who get raped on the streets, there is a slight attraction but there is more sense of control and power if a man rapes a woman in a dark, vacant alleyway.
 
People can masturbate for sexual release, they can also recieve touch through hugs, massage and many other ways. So whilst holding it in deliberately may be unhealthy. With the exception of self-imposed religious ideals, there is no need for anybody to prevent themselves from having orgasms and being touched in a 'kind' and emotionally securing way.
This is true, however, most people get kinda sick of their own hand after a few months...or even years.
 
@Philippa, I've been single because I couldn't cope with the thought of being touched. That's because I do understand that sexual relationships involve sex, and that I would be pushed into sex if I didn't want it. So that's my responsibility. It would be selfish of me to go into a sexual relationship and then start having flashbacks because I couldn't cope with sex, and telling him its his fault. And yes, there are women who do that.

Yes, that's a responsable decision to make I think. I've been the same at certain times, for the same reason, and kinda also swore off relationships for a while...or as long as I felt like keeping it up.

Quite a few women do expect men to just give up being sexual though, because they aren't and will call them selfish for bringing the subject up in conversation. Many seem to have this idea that they are the only ones whose needs matter...or at least that is the impression that is given.

But it is two way, and the other partner has just as much responsibility to remove himself from the relationship, if he is struggling with the lack of sex. It is selfish of him to stay in a relationship that isn't suitable for him, and think it's ok to force somebody emotionally or mentally into having sex with him.

Yes, I agree with this totally. However, if both people don't want to break up over it, and really do want to work through it, then they can explore the possibility of agreeing to an open relationship...then at least cheating is no longer an issue. I realise that would be far too challenging for most women though, and the idea of watching your husband go out to the brothel to get his needs met, and have to lay next to him later that night would be very weird, admittedly. It's not for everyone, or a very popular option...but I have met one or two people who have expressed they would be ok with it, if that ever became a reality in their marriage...which I think is quite brave.

Both parties in a relationship carry that responsibility, it isn't one way.

Yes, understood. :)[DOUBLEPOST=1402667470,1402667245][/DOUBLEPOST]
Men have to have a prior attraction to you, physically and sexually, before they set out to rape you. Otherwise they would find control and power in other ways and see to themselves in regards to sex.

Does this mean that males who rape grannies are into old women? I think it mostly has to do with opportunity and whether the victim is sufficiently vulnerable, emits fear vibes that are like catnip to a rapist, and also are alone and give the rapist the impression that they won't fight back! These are what rapists look for in a victim.

Initial attraction may be the case for many women, and even though I know there is a vast amount of granny porn out there, and that indicates that many guys are actually into old ladies sexually (contrary to social attitudes towards the elderly and sex), but I'm not sure in all cases what you say is necessarily true? You may be right, I just think there are many factors and they are all complex.

An interesting case I once read about showed a story of a woman who was devout christian, and a rapist broke into her house and proceeded to attempt to rape her. She began praying for him, out loud...the guy got off her and jumped out the window and ran. Apparently even rapists find christians annoying!
 
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It is ridiculous to say men who rape are more tempted by and / or see women wearing skimpy clothes that makes them lust after her or helps excite them to rape in any way.
Rape is not about sex. It is NOT about what the women was wearing.
She could be walking down the street fully naked in the dark and if she is raped it is NOT her fault. It is the fault of sick rapist.

I haven't read anybody here saying that rape is anybody's fault.

many people here have been raped or abused, and every single one of us is entitled to our own feelings and opinions about it. Putting your own opinion in bold letters and capitalising shows the strength of your opinion, and I respect that. But I have a different opinion.

I sometimes take too much responsibility, and at those times I've had to work at accepting that I may have been a victim. But I still need to take some responsibility for my issues. To know that I can take some responsibility and work on the issues I have that lead me into those abusive situations, right now, is something that gives me hope that I can go back into life in the future, and not find myself being abused. I know it's not a guarantee, but it helps. So it doesn't help or support me personally, to be told what is and isn't when it comes to rape - that decision is personal.

From another point of view. I have a teenage daughter and a teenage son. I worry about a drunken girl inviting my son to have sex with her, then crying rape in the morning, as much as I worry about a man abusing my daughter. The belief that if a woman is raped it is always rape and nobody should disagree, is as damaging to young men, as the belief that a man has a right to sex in certain circumstances, is to women.

Our culture isn't good at talking about the reality of sex and sexual abuse. It doesn't help anybody to keep blaming. Our culture has a messed up attitude towards sex and men and women are in a state of confusion. It needs to be talked about.
 
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