Exposure Therapy - Am I Doing This Right?

[ghotiff]

I agree with all the above.

Maybe reducing (or not increasing) the quantity of post its is more important than the phrasing....but I can't help myself.

Is "absolutely all children are born innocent, including me".

Just thoughts.

 

[Sideways]

To say it's hindered me puts it lightly. At first it just made me hate myself, but over the years it's gradually cost me pretty much everything I worked my ass off for: career, home, friends, family ('cept mum, we're still working at a relationship).

But I've been hanging on so tightly for so long. And it's so big. It's everything. He's always been everything. I watch other people on this forum moving forward, each at their own pace, and for me to do that? Lot of self-doubt there.

A lot of self-doubt.

 

[anthony]

I watch other people on this forum moving forward, each at their own pace

But you're discarding the answer you just gave, being people move at their own pace. Trauma recovery is what I have always referred to as "baby steps." Because you will learn to crawl, then stumble, fall, eventually you will walk, then run.

When you begin, you may take one step forward, 10 steps back, one forward, 9 back, 2 forward, 8 back... but you see the pattern there? It slowly shifts with work and time, and you eventually get to 5 forward, 1 back, 6 forward, 7 forward, 8 forward, 1 back, 9 forward, 3 back, 10 forward. Eventually, you have more forward steps than backwards. You will always have relapses, but you can recover them much easier using the knowledge and memory of where you came from and where you are then.

Don't discount what is right in front of you.

At first it just made me hate myself, but over the years it's gradually cost me pretty much everything I worked my ass off for: career, home, friends, family

So... is anyone who causes that much damage to you, really good for you? That is more rhetorical at present, because you need to change your core beliefs first before the answer to that will actually validate for you. Like you said, you know the answer, but you have your negative belief structure in place presently reinforcing itself. When that changes, you will change and go further forward.

Just keep it simple right now... too much is bad. You've been doing all sorts of stuff for a long time now with what you say has had little impact, and like I've said previously, that is because you're trying to change things above your belief system.

Belief system first. If it takes you a year to change your main negative beliefs, so be it... but that once you have changed them to realistic, honest, beliefs, you then can believe the truth about more complex aspects of your trauma to process and deal with.

 

[Sideways]

@anthony - thank you. My head was starting to do shark circles with the whole "I can't do this thing". Keep it small, keep it tiny, hell, keep those baby steps microscopic if that's what it takes. I can come at it from that angle. It's something I think I can pull off, so long as it doesn't get too big. Thank you for your help on this.

@ghotiff - it's irrational, but whenever I start a thread, I'm always kind of blown away that there are people out there reading my stuff (me?) and actually thinking about it, and I don't always handle that very well. Kind of like me trying to accept a compliment.

I actually like your suggestion. Well, I thought it might be a good idea for me. Truth is my first reaction was "good grief, how pathetic am I with these totally basic concepts". But having moved beyobd that initial "here's another reason to beat myself up" reaction, I like your idea a lot.

And I really am totally confounded that you've thought about it. And about my junk. Wow. Thank you. I do try not to just filter out anything that borders on "compliment" status, but that's a work in progress:)

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Gah -- this reminds me of exercises I tried to do with myself. Like typing "I love myself" for 2-3 minutes every morning. Not stopping or slowing down even if I felt the exact opposite. But it was too exhausting to keep up, and I felt great amounts of self-loathing, and lots and lots of crying because it couldn't possibly be something that was good for me. I grew up hating myself. How could I ever change that and be a good person?

Anyways I don't know what to recommend. It changes for every person. What helped me in the end was kind of positive exposure therapy from an external source. I had friends who continually insisted to me that I was loved, that I was a good person, that I deserve to be loved, and that one day I could learn to love myself. And it took a couple years (this is, of course, built on top of the fact that I was almost ready to heard this stuff) but now I am starting to actually believe it.

I am very affected by what I think other people think of me, and what the authority figures in my life thought of me (especially the more abusive they were). Perhaps you are, as well, and it will help to find an external source. It's just hard to find friends like that, because they have to be patient and know about trauma and care about helping you. Weirdly difficult to find that, even when you think you've found it.

 

[anthony]

"good grief, how pathetic am I with these totally basic concepts"

You would have to toss me into that box, because this is similarly where I started. I had no idea about PTSD, trauma, na da. Nothing. Therapists were trying to get me to talk about trauma and things way above my head. It was on my PTSD course, specific here to veterans, where the baby steps concept was introduced to me, and to stop thinking in days, weeks, months, but instead years and it takes as long as it takes.

The thing to remember is that there is a logical process, you start at the basics and you DO NOT progress until you have the basics understood and implemented. You can often pin point in peoples recovery failures where and why they failed at a specific stage, usually because they jumped things that are underpinning issues still. You can't fix y before going through x, for example.

Everyone with severe trauma and PTSD has to use baby steps when starting out... otherwise you will just find yourself getting pissed off with repeated failures, chasing your tail and beating yourself up as you are, believing you're trauma is unfixable or such. Too complicated. No such thing. Nothing is too complicated to treat with trauma... you just have to approach certain things from different angles, basic approaches, and really get a solid core belief system in place that you can use to further progress yourself over the years.

I'm at 12 years and still suffering PTSD, but its nothing compared to what it was initially, and I'm always working on something new. PTSD is a constant state of recovery. You don't really ever recover, because that denotes you're perfect... but instead you are a constant work in progress.

 

[Sandstone]

there is a logical process, you start at the basics and you DO NOT progress until you have the basics understood and implemented. You can often pin point in peoples recovery failures where and why they failed at a specific stage,

This is one of the most encouraging things I've heard in a long time. It arms me to go into it all once again. It is a concept I've used in supporting someone who thought she was no good at maths. I told her that it is always a failure on the teachers part, that they move on to something more complicated before the foundations are laid. She and I started right back at the beginning, with the idea of bigger and smaller (You are very hungry, will you pick the meal on the dinner plate or the side plate?). We moved on through, found her gaps, and she passed her exam. I already have a pretty good idea of where the gaps are for me in therapeutic progress, so all I need is someone to work on it with.

@Ragdoll Circus I'm curious about your choice of "I was born innocent" instead of "I'm free to like myself". Do you see a link between those two? I don't think it is necessary to believe in someone's innocence in order to like or love them.

 

[Sideways]

@Sandstone - I think I can come at the idea I was born innocent because I know that the other 6 billion people in the world were born innocent and there's not much logic to the idea that I would have been any different.

'Liking myself' though is fraught with difficulties if I start there. It means liking all the parts about myself that I hate. I've always seen it as my one redeeming feature that, knowing what I am and the kind of person I am, at least I have the decency to be disgusted by that.

The line was always that it was God who apparently created me special, like Eve. I never fully bought into the God angle of the whole doctrine. I've never really been sure if I believe in God, and if I do, I'm fairly certain that he's got better things to do with his time than personally intervene in my life given how many creatures are alive on this planet, and how many people are living far more significant lives than mine will ever be.

Not intending to turn this into a God thing. But the whole "like myself" concept? I really like the fact that, having insight into the kind of person I am, I'm decent enough to be duly disgusted by myself. So liking myself, being free to like myself, that one's a ways away I think.

I think maybe it's one of those exercises where I have to gradually build on the logic that my head is using to hold on to the beliefs, which isn't always particularly logical (to put it mildly!).

 

[ladee]

You have great insight to yourself @Ragdoll Circus , and the 'liking' one would throw me off on a bad day around here....I have been at this for a very long time.. and when my brain belongs to PTSD that day... liking me is not an option... have to wait for that to pass so I can be ok again....
So proud of you :hug::hug:, Ladee borrowed your cyber pom-poms and is setting in a recliner sayin ' Go Girl..
We know if I get up and start dancing around , would probably end up in the ER.... and then I would miss something and then I would not be happy..:grumpy:
I am so happy you are getting to the core... this approach makes so much sense.. but you have so many aquired tools to help you on the bad days, and you have us... so success is what I see...
I love it when someone sees a helpful suggestion, tries it, and in turn offers hope to others...
I don't believe in Hero's, but if I did, you would be one of them... sending another pile of hugs... when it gets to be too many, let me know.....:p:p

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - thank you (as always:) ).

FYI My virtual pom poms? Happy to share those around. I've got plenty more and you can never have too many.

And yes, armchair dancing is entirely acceptable:)

 

[ladee]

I guess I could have asked first about the pom-poms... brain not on point today... But I do know that I am very proud of you... don't even have to think about that one. :playful:

 

[ghotiff]

A quote from Lewis carol
"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"

The point of this quote is...you are not your past...and you are working towards a new you that you can be proud of.

This stuff is hard work :hug: