Exposure Therapy Discussion Today

[Wounded Scribe]

I just left therapy with one of my therapist. We discussed exposure therapy. I told him I thought a certain watch would unleash a wave of reactions from me, but he took it another step. He prefaced it with, what the trauma specialist would consider appropriate, inappropriate exposure, but today my therapist suggested I may consider holding a .22 caliber rifle once more in my hands.

I have always felt, touching a .22 caliber rifle would probably cause me to collapse in an incoherent biomass. I don't have access to one, so depending on how Thursday's appointment goes, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think holding a .22 caliber bullet may illicit strong reactions. I have mixed feelings about meeting with this specialist for the first time on Thursday. I am drained after therapy today.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Thank You for moving my thread :) I appreciate this forum, and the time folks put into it.

 

[Justmehere]

I have done exposure therapy. It's not easy, but it has been worth it. It's not for everyone, but it was the right fit for me for a few issues.

Proper exposure therapy doesn't mean immediately jumping to the worst trigger. It's a gradual process.

Let's say someone has a fear of flying. The first step would be to work on a very small portion of it from a very distant place. Like imagining going to the airport. Then once that is conquered, then maybe it would mean imagining going to the airport and buying a ticket. It would be a lot of steps before the person would actually go and get on a plane, or your case, hold the actual watch.

I don't know about holding an actual gun and bullets in therapy, even to do exposure therapy. If someone has an unhealthy fear of bears, the goal would not typically be to be able to hug a bear. It might be to be able to go to the zoo and see a bear, and not freak out.

Most of my exposure therapy was done by imaginal processes and it was quite helpful. Some of it I did by embracing the actual trigger. Like I had a fear of a certain kind of lake. Eventually, I got to the point that I can go swim in that lake (I'm a competative swimmer) without any panic. But first I had to imagine the lake, eventually build up to going to the lake, eventually build up to putting my toes in the water... Etc.

In your initial appointment, you will be able to ask how this specialist does it and they should talk through any concerns you have long before you actually start the process. And, in the end, if it's not the right fit for you, it's ok. It was a good fit for me on some things and not others

 

[Wounded Scribe]

I agree, holding a rifle would be an extreme leap initially. I think he was suggesting things the other therapist may attempt, after I brought up holding a Mickey Mouse Watch. I explained to him, the watch was the last thing I saw before, and the first thing I saw after. I think, I'm trying to prepare myself for this targeted therapy and I am afraid.

I now know, I have ran from therapy because I am afraid they are going to make me connect to that. I've been able to talk about that night, as if it happened to someone else. Though it happened to me, it still feels as if it was someone else. I for the life of me, don't know how I functioned in the final hours before taking my life. I mean, the average person, doesn't know, "I'm going to be dead in 2 hours....I'm going to be dead in the next hour." Somehow, I functioned in that capacity. I suspect, there's lingering issues that enabled me to attend school that day as if, there wasn't anything out of the ordinary going on. I also worry, I have a surgical awareness, and someone is going to pull back the curtain, and I am going to remember it, and I am afraid. I am not above, crying," I am scared..." Men die once. I don't want to live it again. I know what they do when they open those stainless steel kits on those sterile fields...just the sound of that steel clattering sets my teeth on edge.

This is why, I know deep down, I fight going to therapy, but I have no choice anymore in life. I have to go. I have a growing list of resources to get it done, and I can't squander that. My family, needs me to get it done. This ongoing battle with PTSD, major depressive disorder, has been a wrecking ball on our life. It's time to overcome that anxiety and fear and see what's behind the curtain yanking the strings to my life.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

I feel drained, and I want to sleep for the rest of the day. My skin is chilled, crawling, my mouth is dry, and I want it to stop, already.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: woundedscribe

I remember your post about what happened and why the watch I'd do pivotal. I can relate to the sense of facing a trauma where my own suicide was the best thing I knew to do to handle all the other horrific threats - knowing I was going to die. It has been hard to face that.

In exposure therapy, any form of trauma therapy, yeah, we do have to face what happened. But it will be different than in the past. It doesn't change what happened, but it does give us some freedom from it.

It's hard path to healing - keep going. It's a worthwhile journey.

It's also a journey where we have to rest along the way. You have done a lot of hard work just by beginning to face this as much as you have. It's super hard work. I hope you find a way to recharge today. :hug:

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Thank You so much @Justmehere I left here this afternoon, and I went to bed. I slept for 2.5 hours. I was out, dead to the world, if you will. I still don't feel right. My brain feels like it's underwater, and I could have easily slept until tomorrow morning.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

I start trauma therapy today...

Before I head over this morning, I have to stop off at the doctor's office to get a pre-flight system check and medication adjustment.

I know what I am afraid of.

There are 4 issues I believe, are the bedrock that define some of my PTSD.

The most predominant fear I think I have is; surgical awareness. I am afraid of not only reliving the savage moment I pulled the trigger to the rifle propped against my heart, but I am afraid of witnessing the trauma surgeons saving my life from the balcony of a near death experience. Things add up, to suggest, indeed this is what I fight to protect myself from being triggered.

Just sharing this fear, in more graphic detail with my wife last night, had me in goosebumps and sweating.. Does it get worse? Can a specialist help sort through this to determine if this is an authentic experience? I am terrified of watching a surgeon open me up, to save me.
What I know:

• The surgeon, wanted me to know I went into cardiac arrest and he went a round about way to tell me, because I was to young for him to just come out and tell me.
• My family wanted me to know
• I have sensations inside of me
• I experienced moments of a NDE inside of the ER before going upstairs to the OR

F* this...I should have gone home that night and put that rifle away, and let that abuser beat on me another day instead of living with the effects of what I did to myself. I wish people, who are considering suicide, understood fully, what it is, they are considering. A year after my shooting, two people from my school, shot and killed themselves. The moment I heard the news of their shooting, I saw my own experience blow apart in my face. And I felt survivors guilt for not dying like they did. Who was I to survive this?

 

[The Albatross]

I did some exposure therapy too. But the gun incidents took me a lot longer. I chipped away at some places/situations/objects/aromas or smell stuff and got some sense of capableness or some ability to risk being uncomfortable for a finite time for a shot at a longer term benefit.

I think I would discuss this further with your therapist, however you did have a discussion and seemed to handle that aspect well.

"Who was I to survive this?" Wounded Scribe, you were a person that discovered in a sudden and traumatic way your will to live.