General Expressing Love For Our Sufferers

[Jawn]

LB, I think what you wrote came right out of what I was thinking.

Jawn

 

[Aurora]

Shoka, thank you for this forum. My desire to suffocate him with my love and him unable to answer led to me getting upset and posting some very sad songs on FB which led to an email from him telling me that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I called and told him that he wasn't hurting me, but that sometimes I just have down days, and things are okay for now.

Boo: You could never be a disappointment to me. I'm the one that should be sorry for not understanding your needs and for trying to force you to come out of your space when you are communicating that you need to be there.Your email telling me that you were tired of hurting me scared me today because I realized how close I was to pushing you away. Thankfully, when I called you didn't want to leave either, but I need to take it as a sign that I need to start listening when you whisper what you want, rather than waiting till you shout it! I need to show you the respect that you so obviously give me.

But since you'll never see this-- I don't have to be polite or cautious. I wish that you were able to fight for me. Tell me that you don't want me to leave you. Fight for me. Instead of telling me everytime I get upset that I should leave, tell me why I should stay.

But for now, I'll have to accept you answering the phone and wanting to have a date with me tomorrow as proof that you do want me. In your "I love you" I'll have to hear the words "don't leave."

I'm so proud of you for making an appointment with the VA. I know that there is no magic pill, but it will get better. I promise. And I'm not going anywhere.

 

[cynelena]

Every day since you left for treatment I've fought calling you and texting you. I know that the minimal communication is a necessity for now. Instead I try and keep busy until you are able to and want to reach out to me. It's been hard. But today, just when I was starting to get really down because I was missing you so bad, you called.

You weren't supposed to even have your phone but you said that you couldn't take it any more and had to hear my voice. Then you apologized for not being able to stay more connected to me. My heart was overwhelmed and I fought back the tears because that is not what you need to be worrying about right now. You always know what to say and just when to say it. Even when you are struggling with your own demons and are trying to cope with being 1500 miles away from me and the kids...you reached out and made sure that I knew that we were still "connected".

I love you, I cherish you, and I miss you will all my heart.

Sweet dreams my love

Cyn

 

[lovinbiker]

LB, I think what you wrote came right out of what I was thinking.

Jawn

Yes then im sad that we both have to start a new year this way. I wish you all the best Jawn look after yourself.
LB

 

[Aurora]

I have a feeling that I'm going to be writing in this every day for the next month.

I'm angry that you slept with a girl in your unit. I'm hurt that right now you are developing feelings for her because she has shared an experience with you that I cannot--but she has a boyfriend that she wants to be with and (you say) it was only sex to her. I'm scared because you told me you couldn't sustaining a relationship with anyone at this point. I'm cautiously happy because you agreed to meet me tonight and we decided instead of breaking up, we are taking a break so you can spend the next few weeks working on yourself. I'm upset with MYSELF because I sent you a message after I left your house (with a nice hug and kiss at the end to keep me strong for the next few weeks) asking that you cut off contact with her as well so that you could be truly alone and figure this out. Your response: I'm goin to bed. G'night.

I might analyze that statement over and over for the next three weeks, but at this point, I'm taking it as a sign that you heard what I had to say. You didn't just log off and you didn't get aggressive back. Hopefully that means you have heard what I have to say and are going to think about it. I NEED to let you think about it. I NEED to give you what you want, because this is my last chance. I feel it. I'm going to smother you.

We had an amazing weekend. You drove an hour in a snow storm to be with me and my friends at the bar, showed me, as you later said you had meant, that making me happy still matters to you. We had sex over and over again and you just held me and my hand. Then I discovered that text from her and that amazing weekend all shattered to pieces on the floor.

Baby, I miss you already. Its so cold outside your arms. I want it to take you much less than a few weeks to figure yourself out, selfishly, but I want you, above all, to figure it out.

God I hope I didn't f*ck this chance up by asking you to cut off contact. f*ck. I'm such an idiot for that. GODDAMNIT.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I cannot change your past only help build a better future where you are with people who love, respect, and care for you.

That's wonderful! "only help build a better future" I really really love that! It is very true.

 

[lovinbiker]

My darling today is valentines day and instead of cuddling with you on the sofa im here alone. I am not alone in my heart as deep in my heart you are there, and there to stay. I wish I could do so much more to show you how much I love you to show you my commitment. Always means always to me, I am always here for you.

I Love you more than words can say and always will
LB

 

[valdoodle]

what is it with this cruel disease that it takes our loved ones away from us. I am in a similar state because my partner, after cutting me off from his affection for a year, is moving out to 'get better'. His eyes tell me he cares for me and loves me. He does little loving things for me. He is fading away. I understand why he needs to be alone. 6 months he says and has taken a contract out on a flat. I have always loved him.. but love him enough to want him to be free and get better.

But a little bit of me says, What about me.

 

[Leis]

That is an excellent Idea. It was not until recently that i realised that by trying to be helpful, and telling him that I loved him and being 100% supportive all the time was sometimes the worst thing that I could do at that time.

 

[valdoodle]

I have found that when I tried to do something for my sufferer (like order medication cos he forgot and ran out) if I am honest, it was because my life was hell when he didn't take it. Me interfering took away his chance to be proud of himself for remembering and doing it. I have failed because I genuinely wanted to make his world a better place and took away his chance to do that for himself. I thought I was a good person because I always put him first. Now I have taken a step back (too late for us admittedly but hopefully not for others) I realise that my supposed 'helping' was looking out for my own needs just as much as his and creating a mutual dependance which became suffocating.

My warning to anyone else who may be in this position. Look after yourself but for the right and honest reasons and allow your sufferer to do as much as they can for themself then achieving mutual respect.

My sufferer is moving out in 9 days after 14 years. I totally empathise with Jawn's writing about his love for his partner in his heartfelt post. I lived for a hug, the look of love in his eyes even though he could not expess it. I thought we would grow old together and feel devastated. He has found himself a new flat, sorted out his benefits, rent etc. He is fine. He can manage financially - he has sorted that out.

I am left heartbroken but realising now how, after all the years of me picking up the pieces, I am the one left broken, now not being able to afford the mortgage and having to sell what was our home then find myself (and the cat) somewhere to live. There is nobody looking out for anybody now.

Don't leave it too late to sit round the table and put down boundaries to keep both of you safe and as happy as you can be. I always thought we had time........ I will always love the man inside the emotionproof shell he lives in.