Eye contact and battle of the parts

[watundah]

I am in therapy and happy with my therapist but I have a terrible time with eye contact in session. I understand the vulnerability and so on that goes along with such a direct connection. I know this is also a protective mechanism so she won't get too close. I can't see her so she can't see me?

We have been doing parts work and one wounded part has been creating a barrier for me in therapy. I asked it today what it needs to feel safe and trust the therapist because she is good and trusting her will make it easier for her to help us.

It's response was, it cannot see her face so it can't know her thoughts! Enter the conflict. Eye contact will be excruciating for me but it may be necessary to push forward. No, we don't have to stare at each other, but even conversational contact like normal people without the discomfort would be nice. I don't always have this problem but the intensity seems pretty amplified when someone really wants to "see" me.

Any ideas?

 

[ExitLight]

I understand the feeling of having trouble maintaining eye contact. You can do it! You're right, you don't have to stare at each other. Small steps until you feel like you could! And even then, you don't have to anyways.
You got this!

 

[UnicornSightings]

Talk about stuff you love. About stuff that's important to you. Eye contact is easy that way. Weave those convos into the session. Just an idea. Good luck. I used to have that problem as well!!

 

[watundah]

It is ok when we start session and are sharing casual chit chat but as soon as we start the work, boom! Wall's up. I thought it was the part making all the walls but it's me, too.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I don't really understand "parts" as I'm not in that kind of therapy and sounds scary like your talking about body parts and I think of Dexter but anyway, I'm pretty sure just mini-you, right? Your kid self? Maybe you can just offer yourself (or your "parts") some gentle kindness. You don't have to look at anyone right now. Tell them it's safe to just be in that room and trust it will happen in the right time if it's supposed to. Take the pressure off of it. There's no race here. No need to speed it up and force yourself into this.

 

[ladee]

I did the same thing for a long time... so I just started glancing at my T during the some of the hard stuff. I would look all around the room... she had cool stuff in her office... it was comforting, then practice glancing again... and you might try asking the part what they would like to do.. and how to do it... that part may have to take the lead for this one...

I wish you healing, however long it takes.... you can do this.... reassure the part that your T is all the things you said , and just take it slow.... again, you can do this.

 

[Teamwork]

Sometimes we look when he isn't looking at us. How we know he isn't looking is a bit of a mystery but it may be that we catch that he looks at his clipboard or something. Sometimes we start with what does this guy look like anyway, as he is more than a pair of shoes.

 

[Hopefully]

I can relate to this as well. I can hold short eye contact at the beginning of the session and I think she often breaks eye contact with me as well as not to overwhelm me. If we are talking about anything related to the trauma then no I can't look at her but also long to see her expression. Very occasionally I have glimpsed up and seen empathetic looks from her but they make me feel worse, it can make me feel even more ashamed.

I would say, as others have, ask the part what might help and start small and slowly.

he is more than a pair of shoes.

I could name every pair of shoe my T has ever worn but I can't clearly see her face in my mind now.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@UnicornSightings I do parts work, and it has little to do with the body. It's about self-states or conditioned responses.

I very much agree with what @ladee has written above. For me, eye contact, at times, remains challenging but has improved significantly. The discomfort has proved worthwhile!

 

[watundah]

Interestingly, it is the fearful part that wants the eye contact. I commend their courage. I want it, too, but feel so vulnerable. I do fleeting glances. Lately she is sitting next to me so will need to move for this to happen. I am sure it will strengthen trust and connection and really isnt that what we are all longing for? And running from!

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Yes it is! Exactly!:hug: