Face To Face With Abuser

[Midnight]

So I am pregnant, and went to go see the midwives for an appointment. While in the waiting room, the man who abused me for a year and tried to kill me showed up, with his partner and their 3 children, I had no idea he was in the community (or even still alive), so it was quite a shock. He was between me and the door, so I couldn't escape. I sat in my chair and listened to my heart race in my ears, shook a little and my eyes got watery. He didn't speak to me - he was to intent on his family (which I hope is safe). It was awful. I still went to my appointment when she called me, because I didn't know what else to do. When I got to the safety of the room, I had a little cry / hyperventilation / uncontrollable shake, for about 5 mins before composing myself and continuing with the purpose of the meeting. I wasn't about to let his being there take away my power by not doing what I came there to do.

Anyway, now I know he is in town, and with children and a woman at his disposal. I hope that her and her children are safe, as there is nothing I can do for them now. I still feel, icky, and sad, and angry, and scared. I don't want it to change what I do with myself though. I think it's okay to feel these things, but the anger helps to drive me a little; I don't want to give up the power I've worked so hard to attain. I've worked very hard to get to the place I am now, I won't let him ruin it. I probably will see him in town when I'm out walking. I guess I'll just have to ignore him. I feel like my heart is going to explode and I can't stop grinding my teeth.

 

[a3a2]

Yikes!! I would be sure to let the midwife know and make sure you don't get scheduled at the same time again! Sorry to hear he is in such close proximity to you!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Midnight,

I am so sorry you had to go through that and at a time that should be so special for you. Please be careful and stay safe.

Intothelight

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you reported him? If not, perhaps you should. That way it is part of public record that he is an abuser.

 

[Midnight]

I have not reported him. It is one of those things that is much easier said than done. At this point, being as it is about 10 years later, there is no physical evidence. Even in therapy I have a hard time getting the dates correct because I've repressed a lot of it. The only thing I could do now is lodge a formal complaint (as charging him would amount to nothing due to lack of evidence), and it would be on file. If anyone else chose to charge him, they could ask me to give a character witness. There was a point when I remember going to the police station with a friend, but I think I couldn't do it then - I actually don't remember. It is one of those things I am working towards, with support and therapy.

 

[ptsdkate]

Midnight, I'm so sorry you had to experience that! I can't imagine how horrible it was to feel trapped in that waiting room.

I know what you are saying about the memory issues, and not being able to report him all these years later. I have been there as well, on both of those issues. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it firsthand - the memory thing is really weird, isn't it? It's frustrating to feel like you should be able to hold those details in your mind, yet you can't. (I actually can't recall the name of my childhood assailant, even though his family is friends with mine, and I should know his name. I can't remember his name for more than a few minutes after I've been told what it is.)

I would definitely speak to the midwife and ask to be scheduled on different days. When I was going to prenatal appointments, there were several times where I saw the same people repeatedly in the waiting room. It's pretty important that you be proactive on this, so you don't have to experience this again. If it makes you uncomfortable to share that much information with the midwife, you can simply tell her that you have a history with that particular family, and it causes you great anxiety to be in the same room with them. They can arrange it that you aren't scheduled at the same time again.

By the way, congratulations on the baby! I hope you can keep looking forward to the joy of being a mom, instead of being haunted by the past. Remember, he can't hurt you anymore. (((Hugs)))

 

[Midnight]

Thanks Kate!

I did actually end up speaking to the midwife first thing at that appointment, and she was very compassionate. I have not seen him again, but I do know that he is in town now.

It is many, many months later, and, due to my pregnancy (and immobility at this point), I am not currently seeing a therapist. I have been doing very well; feeling good and healthy for the most part, pregnancy stuff aside. Tonight, however, I am feeling extremely anxious. The woman who was in the waiting room with the abuser is showing up in some Facebook friends pictures (friends of friends, that kind of thing), and I believe I triggered myself by exploring; I think I was actually looking for pictures of him. It has been about a week since I did that, and now tonight I am unable to sleep. Perhaps I should block her, though I have nothing against her, and I don't want to trigger myself again by going back to the pictures or her profile to get her full name or anything.

I think I am just processing the whole abuse still; it comes in waves. It has just been so long - I've not thought about it much since processing that encounter; I've had other, happier, healthier things on my mind. Tonight I am remembering the stalking after the relationship ended; phone calls after I'd moved to a different town. I remember he called me and I yelled and swore at him ("Why are you calling? I'll F***ing kill you if I ever see you! You did X, Y and Z to me!" That sort of thing), and then hung up on him. That was the last time I spoke to him. I have since moved back into the town where the abuse actually happened (my home town), but have had an unlisted number ever since. It is difficult knowing that he is in the same area as me, and my family. As I near the end of the pregnancy, I am wondering what will happen if I see him in town while out with my child.

But it's true, he can't hurt me anymore. I am much older now, and stronger. I won't allow it.

 

[chasing_absolution]

It has been 20 years since my abuse started and ten years since it ended. I have three children with one of my abusers, and intermittently I am required to have contact with him, although fo the sake of my children and myself I do everything I can to avoid this.
Four months ago I started criminal action against them. There were three, and all three of them are going to be charged within the next few months. One of them lives 20 miles away from me, and I occasionally see him in the grocery store, and I usually have my kids with me. He says hello to me like he never did anything to me. I nod and tell me kids come on we have to hurry we have things to do. They don't remember him, for that I am grateful. I remember in great detail what was done to me and everytime I see him I am reminded of my fear (like I need any reminders) like I was right back in it. Now, I mostly shop away from where I live in order to avoid him.
I didn't think there would be anyway to confront him or the others in any criminal sense until I called about it. I am terrified about facing them in court. But, my resolve to see this through is stronger than my fear. I HAVE to do this in order to have healing and try to move on. I HAVE to do this in order to take back my power and relinquish what power they have held on me.
I have been held hostage evn though they have been out of my life for a decade. A decade lost to them even though they are gone seems unreasonable to most people, but to those of us here I know it makes sense. I am about to turn 40 and half of my life has been stolen by them. I want the rest of my life to be MINE.
I think that of all the things we go through with PTSD the worst is facing them. It's not about revenge or vindictiveness, it's about acounting and a reckoning. That's what I want. I want them to know and understand and FEEL exactly how I felt. Telling them does NOT do that. They have to be forced to feel it. Making that step is the hardest part I think. I have had more sleepless nights about this over the past four months than I want to remember, but I am going to do it anyway. That way, when it is all done and over with, maybe I will have some nights when I can sleep without the help of pills.
You would be surprised at how far back police can go and STILL gather evidence of crimes. They are doing it for me. Telephone records from 20 years ago can still be accessed. I didn't think that anything would be able to be done after all this time. I thought I had waited too long. I was wrong. Now I am going to face those demons and have done with them, and make the other moves I need to do to get better.
The best of luck to you in this and be safe.