Thanks for your kind reply,
I've been stewing, not sure what to think, alternating between different scenarios whereby I'm just not sure what percentage I was to blame regarding much. 70%? 73%? 90%? - I just don't know, whereas what slender reed I stood upon relative to the popularity of this other person who provided a cruel running commentary to all who would listen (and seemingly all did). An aspect of myself vaguely suspects that some trauma germ if you will is being carried into her marital relationship that at some point will manifest itself for being ignored, while at the same time I suppose I'm fearful (if such is an appropriate word choice for wishing a comeuppance to another - sad this) that they are enjoying the best of the best of the best.
Her previous boyfriend had committed suicide, hence the potential for a very human expression of passive-aggressive rage was certainly there, deeply planted, etc. and I have to take this into account. We weren't a strict couple - gosh, how did this happen? - and yet somehow there arose between 'us' a quality akin to a battering relationship that I find deeply saddening and embarrassing to reflect upon. Very real aspects of my own complicated history were on full view, while a horror for me to reflect and recall so much that wasn't strictly volitional, wasn't strictly within my conscious power to simply say yes or no to. Why no peace? Apologies afforded, written at length, contrition felt, but mostly recycled and upcycled for the entertainment of the few there and back then.
While I've overdone emphasis placed upon the worth of reading/studying trauma dynamics elsewhere across many posts indeed, I remember thinking that many a thing has also happened to her, albeit I didn't strictly detected personal curiosity evidenced on her part to better understand it consistent with deconstructing patterns of this ruinous legacy or that. This deeply concerned me, whereas there were times when something was said or done that was so shockingly outrageous that my breath was literally taken away. HOW could someone say or do this or that without awareness of the serious risks run for profound misunderstanding, stoking of anger and resentment over the long term, etc.? Where was the reasoned sense of self preservation, a capacity for self awareness consistent with laying down a sane foundation from which to proceed though life consistent with establishing, developing and maintaining both respectful and as circumstances dictate, loving ties to those who pass in and out of our orbit? What a ghoul I thought then and still think, whereas then my boundaries were so insanely underdeveloped that I'd renew contact with some approximation of 'my abuser' for no other path seemed remotely visible. I suppose in passing that this too was funny...
As though I were disabling an explosive device, I set up a block on Facebook this past Sunday in relation to this person. If some approximation of forgiveness is sought from her, well, she'll just have to try that much harder for I'm not hard to find online. I don't think that a three-hour or five-hour explication of much could thoroughly sway me to imagine much was 'a mistake' or simple 'misjudgment' here. She had too much fun, whereas recognizing my father's rage (a truly appalling and wildly cruel alcoholic seemingly capable of anything) within myself totally terrified me and prompted me to hide again and again. I'd excuse myself, leave the building, and reverse-engineered the very concept of stalking to never be in the same place at the same time as her. No matter for it was all delightful confirmation of the supposed potency of her 'Plan B'. I really don't know when HR policy might develop sufficient sophistication to address such corrosive dynamics (and obviously only in discrete part then) in the workplace between two people indeed evidencing personal histories impacted by trauma, but whatever might come was not in time for me. Aching terribly still. Thanks...
M.
