Facing The Boogie Man

[Calmpeace]

Caution i talk about violence below. Please dont read if you could be triggered. That's happened to me before on a post. But I'll be PG.

The thing that caused my ptsd caused me to have to hide. I was alone. I was just waiting for them to find me. Waiting to fight for my life. I was waiting to die. And my mind just got trapped there. 911 had told me to arm myself. I just grabbed any thing Sharp or heavy I could throw, but let's be clear. These people were strong. I knew it would be a last ditch effort. So I got PTSD. So I remained scared to death. Scared of death.

My disability will run out soon. I lost my job over it. There were so many fallouts. We had to move. It's was like everything that could go wrong did. I didnt know how much had depended on me bucking up and dealing with crap everyday. I new I was stressed, but I couldn't see how bad it was. So when I couldn't be made of steel anymore, it fell. Everything fell.

I just say all that to say- i don't want to go back there in my memory. But last night I was there again. The memory wasn't leaving easy so I decided to stay and deal with my memory. I was trying to better understand what was going on in the moment it all began. I was trying to understand the fear. I was trying to visualize what I was afraid of. It was a black shadowy figure that, silly enough, looked like cloaked grim reaper. So I identified my fear, visualized it. (Side bar, it's the middle of the night now and someone decided to either set off a firework or fire a gun. Insert adrenaline here. ) oh geez maybe I can finish later. I can't finish this now, sorry. But relevant to the forum all the same. Damn triggers. Omg! I really can't finish. PTSD is crazy stealth. Sometimes it shuts parts of my brain off I swear like memories. I really tried.

 

[Poofycat]

Hi @Calmpeace Thanks for sharing. From the little you shared here then encounter that caused your PTSD sounds terrifying. I'm glad you survived!

It's a huge deal that you were able to sit with the memory! It's important to realize that it really is just a memory and it can't hurt you. You are in the now, not the past, if that makes sense. Are you working with a therapist? Working through traumatic memories on your own can be very difficult, if not impossible, and can also be more destabilizing.

o when I couldn't be made of steel anymore, it fell. Everything fell.

This part really resonates with me. Maybe visualize yourself made of a different material? Something that is strong, but bends instead of breaks. Like a palm tree.

 

[Calmpeace]

Hi @Calmpeace Thanks for sharing. From the little you shared here then encounter th...

Ya, I've got a therapist. Was trying to post about a break through I had in hopes of sharing. Maybe I'll get back to it later. Ya, tonight I feel like dust. Good night's sleep should help. I've probably said it a thousand times, but this is so much harder than I ever imagined. I remember after it happened I thought maybe I'd just be sad for a few days... I didn't know I was starting a journey up the mental Mount Everest.