Failure To Launch.

[Go Hungry]

aka: Displaced Anger.

So this thing.. I touched on it before.. blaming God for sticking me in a horrible situation.. Largely due to the quote "God has a plan". (and his plan for me seemed to be misery and torment throughout my childhood).. But now that I have this info on my father.. that he was always a drunk, and that our family structure is absolutely typical of an alcoholic family.

But it seems to me that my anger at God was likely just anger that should have been directed at my Dad. I mean.. it was not God who put me in a horrible home situation when I was growing up. It was my father. It wasn't God that created/drove my brother to daily violence in order to relieve his own torment... It was my father. God didn't drive my Mom to act like an insane bitch (though a loving one) when I was a child. It was all my father. All of it lines up as a result of him being an alcoholic. The thing about being an alcoholic is that you develop the "alcoholic mindset"... Your daily assumptions, beliefs and behaviours are all affected. Your perceptions of the world and your consequent decisions are all warped. This happens even when you aren't wasted. I know this because I'm an recovering alcoholic and remember being steeped in the 'Delusion of the Drunks".

So given all of this, I suppose I should just be furious with my father... hate him for destroying my childhood, and even for crushing my faith; driving me to despise God and Christianity in general. For taking my kindness and faith in the world and turning me into an embittered, cynical, hateful asshat...

But I don't know how to hate him. I don't really feel anything. I love him, I know that.. I like him, even with his flaws. That anger must be so repressed.. or so effectively curtailed and re-directed onto others... that I don't really know what to do. I still curse God every day, curse my brother, my life.. everything. Everything except the one guy whose choices would seem to be at the root of it all.

I mean, yeah... I'm starting to clue in on things.. How disappointed I was with him as a child. How booze and tobacco were more important to him than his family. (Tobacco and soda are apparently more important to me than my own health :() Other things... the general disorganization and slovenliness.. and lack of decorum and ignorance of how to behave in polite company. The isolation of my childhood especially. We never had friends over. Hell, we barely had any friends at all. No family friends, no real contact with my extended family... Just.. so much nothing.

I feel like it's not fair to pin *everything* wrong with my youth on him. I mean, I made lots of poor decisions because of my hatred for mankind when I was a kid. But... if he created the atmosphere by which that hatred was born, and nurtured...

Baah, I'm not sure what I'm saying here. Does anybody else have this issue... knowing that someone solidly contributed to the traumatic situation, but still not being able to address it?

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I blame so many people for the direction my life turned into however, it's up to us to make sure they are not around to influence us any further. I disowned my family over 4 years ago because of the toxicity of their behaviors and distanced myself from what they perceive as "love" (which is narcissistic and loveLESS). Yes, I've made plenty of bad decisions because I know I was raised WRONG however, I look upon the Internet and do my reading in investigation about my CPTSD. I look at the others' behaviors and yes, now I KNOW that what they did was wrong, I never had a family but I can rise above their BS.
The hatred is real and you have the right to feel this hatred because you hated the alcoholism and you wanted a normal family. Your mother's codependency of your father's "illness" made her crazy to the point she didn't know what to do and an embarrassment. My own family is an embarrassment so I got rid of the "illness" and need to put back together the pieces of my own life. I stopped blaming myself for the reasons why I was to blame for their actions (If that makes sense) and am getting the RIGHT help for myself. I hope you realize that this is NOT about your father but about his alcoholism (you had it too) you both had as a result of bad decisions. I make terrible decisions but realizing that my decisions are my own and I own up to them. God puts the crown of thorns on those of us who He believes are the strongest of the strong and can carry that cross without help. We didn't have help. We bled. The cross was heavy and that's what's remembered when we look at Christianity today.
But you need to see that behind that cross is forgiveness whether yourself or your life or your father WHEN YOU ARE READY. Right now, continue with the help you're getting and we are your family now. Reach out to us! We're here to be the family you were meant to have; we are brothers, sisters, Moms, and Dads who'd be glad to help you along the way.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Go Hungry , I think you ARE addressing it. And maybe you will tweak your views as perspectives change over time. I don't mean your views are wrong, & undoubtedly you also have been doing the best you can with the tools you have/ had at the time.

I am only not an alcoholic (now) because by the grace of God I pulled back. But lots of people in my family, or friends etc, well it covers the gammut. Some stopped (various ways), some didn't, some couldn't, etc etc. Does it help to view it as an illness/ addiction? (I am addicted to ciggies, about 35 years minus about 4 when I quit twice).

Mostly I think it's a way to try to cope, the easiest thing to fall in to but the hardest thing to crawl out of. I am sorry for the losses, pain & hurt you experienced. :(

However, I will say, as per your quitting (or replacing), that is really wonderful, if that was your goal.. :) And the knowledge of what you've been through makes you uniquely qualified to help others. :tup:

I will say too, (understanding & not withstanding the Jekyl & Hyde troubles if you went through them), I think sometimes people who end up doing 'whatever' to try to cope are often very sensitive/ kind etc to begin with (otherwise they wouldn't be bothered by much). Also (we) take on too much. My dad quit & over 400 people showed at his funeral, saying all different ways he had helped them. (He never mentioned anything much, 'anonymous' of course but also 'him'. Yet he was ashamed of being an alcoholic.)

I know even with the addiction of smoking, we light up to 'feel' like a non-smoker. I think beyond the brainwashing (it revs up up, it calms us down- well it can't do both, etc), with ptsd we also are pretty desperate to ground.

Possibly AlAnon or ACoA might help? And it's necessary to grieve.

I liked AlAnon because it focused on cleaning up my own house. We all have something, like I said I wish people weren't so ill-informed or closed minded about stuff like that. I wish your dad had had more help, for his sake & yours & your family's. In my family I feel more sad at it than angry. It's terribly harmful, to first & foremost the person then the people who love them.

Best wishes to you.

 

[ihateusernames]

I feel like it's not fair to pin *everything* wrong with my youth on him. I mean, I made lots of poor decisions because of my hatred for mankind when I was a kid. But... if he created the atmosphere by which that hatred was born, and nurtured...

Yeah, I can relate to this. It's hard to know where that line is. Do I blame my father for ruining our lives? Do I blame my mother for staying with him and being sucked into all that? Do I blame my mother entirely for causing harm instead of protecting me so much of the time? Do I blame myself because I let it all get to me and haven't been able to fully overcome the effects? How many stupid things that I did do as a teen and young adult would I have done even with a perfect upbringing- whatever that is? Would I have been drawn into the same bad situations anyway?

I don't know. There's no way to answer so I just let go of blame altogether. Okay, that sounds a little high and mighty, believe me, I don't mean it that way. I continually try to let go of blame altogether. I'm not always successful. Forgiveness- if you've got it, great, but if you don't there's no need to force it or pretend. Complete disregard is fine, too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Spiritual Abuse like you suffered and endured makes me sick to my stomach and I applaud you for dealing with the untangling of what you were taught and beginning to form your own beliefs.

I would not be so hard on myself for the bad choices I made as a teenager and an a adult. I did the best I could at the time trying to cope with the self hate and loathing that needs to be dumped and replaced with self love.

I am so happy that you are getting in touch with your anger because you have many, many reasons to be angry at your father and what he did to you as a child.

I wish you the best in the untangling process, remember it is a journey and will take time and effort on your part. Do not be so hard on yourself you deserve better than that.

I wish you well on your journey.

 

[shimmerz]

I actually hate the universe. Second huge disillusionment since I gave up on God decades ago, when I was 14. I gave up on the universe back in January. Pissed.off. Shake.my.fist. I hate you! Pick on someone your own size! Leave.me.alone. Pisses me off tbph.

Glad to hear there is someone standing with me in the 'customer service complaints' lineup in the 'mighty beings' section.

 

[Deleted member 29961]

blaming God for sticking me in a horrible situation

I Still feel this way sometimes. I was brought having been taught that God created all things and if that is true, than God created the situations I've been through and therefore God is responsible.

Then sometimes I have this thought that I am supposed to be a guardian angle sometime after this life and I need to understand the pain and grief so that I can have the right level of compassion and understanding to do what needs to be done and the wisdom to do no more and no less. and I hope my charge (or charges) see me as a big dog.

 

[The Albatross]

@Go Hungry ... in recovery for booze, I had a heck of a reaction and stayed stuck for a long time connected to the phrase, "God the Father". I recognized as the booze fueled haze lifted similarly to you... I was angry at God for things that should have been rightly attributed to my abuser.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah... I think it's been the same way for a very long time..

 

[Changing4Best]

My father was a "functioning" alcoholic. He worked and supported our family, but he was mean and angry a lot and especially to me. When I was very young, he neglected me in favor of his drinking buddies and his drink. I did hate him, but later on in life I guess I forgave him, though I never really thought about it. It was probably an unconscious thing. Also, it was his father that harmed me, not my dad. And his father also harmed him too, so I forgive him for his neglect, it had a cause I could readily see.

I'm a Christian now, so that makes a big difference too. I have to recognize the fact that Jesus forgave me my sins, so I need to forgive my father for his too.

It would be easy to blame God for all that happened to me, but I don't blame Him. As you say, it was my father's and grandfather's choices that harmed me. God gave me a sweet mother and grandmother, to protect me and love me. I am most grateful for them!

 

[Recovery4Me]

... knowing that someone solidly contributed to the traumatic situation, but still not being able to address it?

Yes, I do understand. On the bottom of my 'infamous' list, I have painfully placed myself. For a long time in my youth, warped as hades, I made choices of reactions that defied 'living'. That is the part where I see God carrying me and why I believe that I am still here today. Not joking, not even trying to sound a certain way...just my truth in this moment looking back.

Be gentle on yourself. Change what you can inside a little at a time and forgive yourself of the rest. Afterwards, you may still feel numb...but the weight of the stone is much less. :hug:

 

[Go Hungry]

Wow.. I had forgotten about this thread almost. I was checking into all sorts of recovery programs and getting into a downward spiral and had to put it all out of my mind. It's a funny thing about memory, isn't it?

But yeah.. I can't say as if I feel that God carried me at any time. For a variety of reasons that I can't really go in to without going ape-shit (even hearing or reading a single bible passage sends me into a shrieking rage) I just felt abandoned. Worse than abandoned.. punished. Singled out for destruction. So I guess I feel like the thing that carried me was nothing other than my beating heart and the animal instinct to survive at all costs. I know that I came to identify more with Lucifer than with God, because he was betrayed as well. He tried to fight.. he saw God for the monster that he was and fought an impossible battle because it was the only choice...

(See what I mean, everything is backwards in my mind... When 'the ultimate bad guy' is the hero, what the hell does that tell you?) Shit.. shit it's happening.. Gotta get out of this before I have a meltdown...

Thanks again for all your kind words. I'll come back to this thread as I can...