Failure

[Lucycat]

I am aware that when I am low, I see everything I have ever done as a failure. I go over all the past problems and blame myself for all of them. I look for future failures as a reason to give up trying.

I realise this is a bit about 'black and white thinking', like there is nothing in between. However when I am feeling good, I see it all with such clarity and understanding, and can even appreciate the grey areas.

When I am seeing my life as a failure I don't understand why I cannot access the thoughts and feelings of a day ago, a week ago, a month ago when it all seemed OK, or at least not so bad. I have other people tell me my thinking is faulty, but I simply don't believe them at that time. It is like I switch from being sensible and logical, to being overwhelmed by my own self doubt.

I am sure others get this too, I just wonder when you are feeling like a failure how do you manage to convince yourselves that you are not?

 

[jadebear]

Convincing yourself that you're not a failure is a very hard thing to do.

I think most of my problem is the way I 'allow' myself to think. When I start thinking bad about myself, it's so easy to just keep going down the self pity, negative route and let myself go lower and lower until I become suicidal. Sometimes I can force myself to find good and positive things to focus on and bring myself right back up. Sometimes I just keep spiraling down.

Anthony once suggested I make a mood cycle chart or graph and keep it on my fridge. He said when I realize and accept that I'm in a 'cycle', I will come back up much faster.

It really does help. I always do manage to bring myself back up and pull myself out of the downward spiral, and having the chart reminds me that it will pass. Instead of letting myself get so down about the way I feel, I just have to focus on the fact that things will start looking up again. Maybe a chart or graph would help you too.

Alot of the time I can't convince myself that I'm not a failure, or all the other things I'm thinking/feeling about myself. That's when I have to just ride it out. It passes eventually. I'm sure others here and on the other forum have witnessed my cycles many times. They suck, but they are what they are.

 

[Ted Moen]

Early in the spiral downward for me things other people do shift from feeling amusing or supportive and begin to feel annoying . Instead of feeling like a participant in whatever is going on, I begin to feel like I should be somewhere else, doing something else. Initially, these feelings are mild. I have learned to self monitor for these mild feelings, and to let them trigger a huge "DANGER - BIG MISTAKE ONE MILE AHEAD" flashing in my mind in glowing red. I have to remind myself I am surrounded by people I care about, doing things I enjoy, and I need to stay and participate and let the old stuff that is trying to tell me otherwise pass. Early in the spiral it is possible to do this and break the spiral. Later in the spiral it takes medication and or a lot of therapy.

Ted

 

[Howard Beal]

I whish I could help you Lucy. But I also go through life thinkng I am failure. I don't know how to make it stop. That is just the way I am. I am reminded daily in flashback of what I have done stupid in the past. It comes
by the way of a flashback. I whish I could stop these thoughts. But that's just who I am. I don't know what black and white thinking is but life is just wither right or wrong. I like you, I would like a awnser to your question.

Who woulda thought that joining this fourm would raise more questions. Than I had before I came here.

 

[Lucycat]

I've been back to the feeling that I am a complete failure again recently.

Work is difficult and I feel as if I am juggling so many balls.

This week I had another student with me. Again the daughter of a colleague, which makes me feel as if I am being judged. I want to show her how good I am at my job and as a consequence build up my anxiety levels so high it is ridiculous. I felt stressed to hell, and then while I was at work Rory phoned me to tell me his car had failed it's MOT test ( statutory requirement to drive it on the road in the UK) and the cost of needed work would be in the thousands of pounds. An old car so totally not an option. That is what made me crack. The student would have been oblivious as to what I was going through and how I felt.

The next morning the first of those juggling balls crashed to the ground and I missed an appointment with a client. It is not really a disaster, as I realized within an hour and phoned the client to reschedule for next week. However I felt dreadful. I don't forget. This is not how I work. I had let myself down. I had failed.

I am sitting here describing it all so logically. But it still bugs me and I feel pretty stupid. I have colleagues that miss appointments all the time and don't worry about it at all. But I always think about the client sitting there watching the clock wondering if anyone is going to turn up. I think about how I would feel if roles were reversed.

So, I am feeling like a failure again. So if I have failed at one thing I might as well fail at another. After no cigarettes for a month I have started smoking again....

 

[bluebell2]

Lucy you are NOT a failure just look how far you have come in your journey, I'm new to this but reading your replies to other people, to me & your own trends fills me with Hope that when we put the work in the good days begin to outnumber the bad days.

Sometimes you need to put the balls down Lucy take a step back & just breathe.
Your only human & we all make mistakes.

Just wanted you to know your not alone, hugs to you :hug::hug:

Take Care

 

[cherryblossom]

Lucy, you had a bad day. That doesn't make you a failure!

You got through it, and you made up for any mistakes. Draw a line under it.

As Bluebell has said, you have come so far, are you going to allow a lump of metal failing it's fitness test set you back?

So, you missed one appointment. Shit happens - you're only human. You phoned and explained. I know you won't miss your next appointment, and you will be super efficient, apologetic, and your usual professional self when you meet up with your client next week.

When you start missing appointments on a regular basis, that's the time to worry. One shitty day, lady - that's all.

You're a woman, and you're super: But that doesn't make you superwoman ;) You're human and you make mistakes occasionally.

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks Bluebell & CB! My self confidence is certainly at a low at the moment. I have arranged to see T on Wednesday for an injection of positive mental attitude!

 

[cherryblossom]

I hope seeing your T has given you the booster of PMA!

 

[Lucycat]

It has! I will post more about it in my diary!

 

[Lucycat]

So, I am feeling like a failure again. So if I have failed at one thing I might as well fail at another. After no cigarettes for a month I have started smoking again....

But I am pleased to say I gave up again. It was weird how I felt the need to smoke when I was unwell, but quickly stopped again after the EMDR that sorted my brain again. So in the past 6 weeks I have had 2 packets, but nothing for 10 days.:cafe:

 

[cherryblossom]

Well done Lucy.

I reckon that a set back or 2 is par for the course. If it was easy to stop, no one would ever struggle. As with anything, if at first you don't succeed, keep trying ;)