I didn't even really consider this for a long time until I was reading some of the threads around here about abusive fathers.
I was an orphan, I have adoptive parents. I don't think that really changes anything, but I thought it was worth mentioning. My Mother has always been wonderful and I love her dearly. But my father, not so much. He's never been violent, aside from a couple times he threatened to beat the dog but never did, to my knowledge. I know his dad used to belt him and his siblings. So I'm grateful he didn't care to pass that down. But he's always been negative about everything about me - he's negative in general, but especially about me, I've noticed. No matter what I do, it's never good.
I've never been a troublemaker, I've always been a good boy, even when I was a child I was always polite and did my best to do what I was told. I slipped a little as a teen but it was never anything serious. He's never approved of anything, he's never praised me for anything. Maybe I'm just whining, but I think that didn't do me any good. I tried to impress him, a lot, I was obsessed over it for a long time, until I just gave up when I came back from service. When I joined the military, he was negative and disapproving. When I got deployed, the same happened. When I came home, I hadn't done enough and I wasn't good enough and clearly I left the military because I wasn't good enough.
He has no idea what happened. I couldn't tell him, but he never even asked or showed any concern. He's always been cheap and negligent, too... to me and my Mother. I have an older sister, who is their own child. He's always been good to her. But I don't think this has to do with me being adopted, not at all. He's the one that wanted to adopt me in the first place, apparently my Mother was pretty against it at first.
I've always had piss-poor self-esteem, since I was little. I've had a habit of starting projects and never finishing them because I'd beat myself down with my own thoughts. I always felt like I was worthless, and he made sure it stayed that way. He always acted and talked like I was a liability and a bother, not worth anything. He never did anything for me, even though I'd get him gifts and do thoughtful things for him all the time to try to get his attention.
Joining the military actually really helped me, getting away from him for a while. I felt better about myself, at least until I deployed. Then when I came back with all my fresh issues, he made me feel like I wasn't allowed to get better. Like it wasn't happening, that it wasn't real, that I was faking all my problems and that I'm just some lazy pussy who doesn't want to do a day's work. I've always been hard working... I was a workaholic for quite a while before I came home. But he's always called me lazy and insisted that I always want to dodge any responsibility heading my way, when I've always liked those challenges. He convinced all his relatives of that, too, so they've judged me every time I see them. He's always forced that label on me, and I actually believed it when I was a teenager. Crazy how someone telling you those things can change your personal reality.
Can't tell you how much I hate him. The worst thing is since coming home, whenever I see him and he does those things again and again, yells at me, rolls his eyes and scoffs at anything I say (even though I always just nod my head and agree with him), I get these horribly dark thoughts about how he has no clue about the things I'm capable of and the things I've done, and the things I could do to him if I just... snapped. He thinks he's invincible. But finding this place has really helped already... it made me acknowledge myself. Made me realize he's wrong, got me out of the mental haze of his control. Thank you for that.
Does anyone else go through this? Is this even abuse, and what kind is it? What should I do to keep getting better about it? I can't move out right now.
I was an orphan, I have adoptive parents. I don't think that really changes anything, but I thought it was worth mentioning. My Mother has always been wonderful and I love her dearly. But my father, not so much. He's never been violent, aside from a couple times he threatened to beat the dog but never did, to my knowledge. I know his dad used to belt him and his siblings. So I'm grateful he didn't care to pass that down. But he's always been negative about everything about me - he's negative in general, but especially about me, I've noticed. No matter what I do, it's never good.
I've never been a troublemaker, I've always been a good boy, even when I was a child I was always polite and did my best to do what I was told. I slipped a little as a teen but it was never anything serious. He's never approved of anything, he's never praised me for anything. Maybe I'm just whining, but I think that didn't do me any good. I tried to impress him, a lot, I was obsessed over it for a long time, until I just gave up when I came back from service. When I joined the military, he was negative and disapproving. When I got deployed, the same happened. When I came home, I hadn't done enough and I wasn't good enough and clearly I left the military because I wasn't good enough.
He has no idea what happened. I couldn't tell him, but he never even asked or showed any concern. He's always been cheap and negligent, too... to me and my Mother. I have an older sister, who is their own child. He's always been good to her. But I don't think this has to do with me being adopted, not at all. He's the one that wanted to adopt me in the first place, apparently my Mother was pretty against it at first.
I've always had piss-poor self-esteem, since I was little. I've had a habit of starting projects and never finishing them because I'd beat myself down with my own thoughts. I always felt like I was worthless, and he made sure it stayed that way. He always acted and talked like I was a liability and a bother, not worth anything. He never did anything for me, even though I'd get him gifts and do thoughtful things for him all the time to try to get his attention.
Joining the military actually really helped me, getting away from him for a while. I felt better about myself, at least until I deployed. Then when I came back with all my fresh issues, he made me feel like I wasn't allowed to get better. Like it wasn't happening, that it wasn't real, that I was faking all my problems and that I'm just some lazy pussy who doesn't want to do a day's work. I've always been hard working... I was a workaholic for quite a while before I came home. But he's always called me lazy and insisted that I always want to dodge any responsibility heading my way, when I've always liked those challenges. He convinced all his relatives of that, too, so they've judged me every time I see them. He's always forced that label on me, and I actually believed it when I was a teenager. Crazy how someone telling you those things can change your personal reality.
Can't tell you how much I hate him. The worst thing is since coming home, whenever I see him and he does those things again and again, yells at me, rolls his eyes and scoffs at anything I say (even though I always just nod my head and agree with him), I get these horribly dark thoughts about how he has no clue about the things I'm capable of and the things I've done, and the things I could do to him if I just... snapped. He thinks he's invincible. But finding this place has really helped already... it made me acknowledge myself. Made me realize he's wrong, got me out of the mental haze of his control. Thank you for that.
Does anyone else go through this? Is this even abuse, and what kind is it? What should I do to keep getting better about it? I can't move out right now.
