Sexual Assault Fear And Vulnerability

[NewDayTomorrow]

Here is a numbered list of current problems during a systems medicine research internship, all related to fear and vulnerability from sexual abuse (abuse not discussed in any detail).

1) Migraines sometimes paralyze half my body and make speaking difficult, while previous sexual abuse makes the migraines hard to bear and I do not trust anyone to help me during one. So I just lock myself in my room and wait alone until it is over.

2) Previous medical adventures, and sexual abuse by a medical professional, are triggered by the environment of a med school campus. The effects of this are insomnia, nightmares, and daytime flashbacks and dissociation, but I conceal this pretty well. I will need to find a trauma therapist around here and take an afternoon off every week or two for sessions.

3) My parents just don’t get it. They tell me “No you don’t have PTSD, someday you won’t need therapy anymore." There is no way they will believe my sexual abuse, because they never even believed my migraines until I wound up in the hospital from them. Sometimes I am sorely tempted to confide in some other trusted adult instead of a parent, which seems selfish since I can always talk to a therapist. I might try to talk to my mom's cousin someday, since he will believe me and not get super upset.

4) A new problem that I just realized: I am uncomfortable with the fact that a male professor is genuinely caring and concerned. Having my effective boss know that I am going through an emotionally difficult time, sort of raises flags because of the sexual abuse. I like to keep my personal and professional life clearly separated, but in this situation, he needs to know what is going on because he runs this program and I also work in his group. I made the decision to trust him, so if I really need to call someone for help during a migraine he gave me his cell phone number, but that makes me uneasy.

Anything helps, especially about #4. Thank you.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Resolved!

I vaguely asked the guy how can I lock the door to the room where I work from the inside on a weekend (its an old, weird deadbolt but he said how), if I need a place to ride out a migraine but I'm not really in need of assistance. He asked if he should bring someone with him, and I just said no, that actually does not matter. It's just a risk calculation, where if I really do need to call you I will, but if I am already alone and safe, I won't call. So I just need to minimize my discomfort depending on the situation. And I said at my last internship, I had access to a quiet, locked control room where I actually had real work to do, and my boss knew I had migraines and ptsd (not the first week lol but he understood when I told him later) so I just thought it would help to have a place like that. Not really lies after all!

And the professor mentioned one of my mentors lives a five minute walk away, so in case he is out of town that is another thing I can do. And then I reminded him that none of this is actually necessary, I just need to plan things out so I can sleep better, since I have never needed to call anyone for help with this ever, because I always sense them coming and get home in time. So I think that resolved everything and steered around the sensitive issue. Obviously this was a lot to hit him with at once, so I need to let it rest and see how he behaves, but if I calm down and seem well rested and I manage this on my own, it might actually be a relief for him in the long run I hope. And I told him I might need to see a therapist around here to help me deal with things and I will let him know of any other practical things he can do to help. He does not like that I am having to deal with this combination of things, but maybe he will eventually understand that I always get stuff done and stay happy enough, and it doesn't ruin my life.

Meanwhile my roommate was tossing and turning after briefly mentioning a deflected unwanted kiss from an old friend who she is "done with" and that didn't sit well, so naturally, I worried about her all night, but whatever. We both got some sleep. I am starting to discharge my energy and sooner or later I will pass out for a whole night of dreamless sleep and bounce back like I always do.

Thanks for reading! If I feel positive and I get enough food into my belly, I might have a beer or whiskey in town with dinner to relax a little bit.