Relationship Fear of crowds - a questiong

[Never_falter2]

So my sufferer does not like crowds. A few days there will be a crowded event in a town near where we live. It has to do with a Christmas market and there is a fear of terrorist attacks, but there will be a lot of security. A few days ago my sufferer told me to sit down because he needed to talk with me, but before he actually started talking he had a beer and gave me a beer. Okay. Then he said he needed to talk about the event and how he thinks we should go there as a family. When I said „okay“, he gave me such a wild eyed look as if I was crazy and asked me if I never thought about the dangers (crime, terrorism) and so on. Finally he convinced me not to go, but when I said „okay, let‘s stay at home“ he gave much such a crazy look again and said he wanted to go and won‘t let his illness spoil it. Then I said „Okay, let‘s go then“, but then again he told me I had no idea of the dangers. When I told him that I did not think it was that dangerous he implied I was a naive fool... and told me I was drunk... it was him that offered me beer.

So today he told me again he wanted to talk with me about that event.
Should I talk to him? Yes? No?

I am not sure if HE knows what he wants and if he has made his mind up and to be honest I am still angry he implied I was an idiot. Did not tell me he was sorry. How do you think? Am I overreacting? Would you discuss it with him again?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In one word....no.:hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sounds like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. Did you want to go?

 

[Akhos]

I would do as you think is best, also you are not overreacting - its hard to keep up with someone who is changing their minds all the time and as someone who used to love crowds and now hides from them, I can kind of relate. As an example, tomorrow, we have people visiting. The wifes friends. I want her to be happy, I want her to have that release from me, I want her to feel that she can invite anyone around, but underneath, I cannot bear the thought of them being here. They are lovely people, but the threat is too real for me, and I feel guilty if my issues means she loses her social network (she is a massive social butterfly) or that our lives revolve around me, rather than us. The one side of me wants to just run and hide even though they are coming into my own house, whereas the other side wants to support her and her decisions.

He should take into consideration your feelings and your wants. I can understand him being in a state of contradiction, and its a scary place to be, especially, if, like me, your husband used to feel comfortable making lots of decisions. Its scary when thats taken away from you, especially against your will.

In summary, do what you think is best. Tell him that you want to go (if you indeed still do), and that you would like him there. Assure him that he will be safe around you/family. As for the drunk allegations - I would be fine if the wife confronted me about that as thats not fair.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Never_falter... If you are all going to go have a plan... Like if he is getting overwhelmed... He could let you know.. And then maybe.go away from the crowds and meet you later at say a coffee shop or somewhere he feels comfortable....

Or maybe go early in the morning when it is not so busy?...

You are not an idiot and I totally understand why you are angry at him... I hope it works out..

 

[Akhos]

On top of what @Xena is saying, one of my biggest things I hate is when I am starting to freak out and the wife doesnt notice, or if she does, she doesnt appear to care (not saying this is you at all). I will stand there, start to shake, my speech will go, tears will fill my eyes and she wont notice. Having her do something as simple as a hand on my chest or a quick hug would do me wonders, but she doesnt notice which leads me to not telling her how I feel as I feel unsupported and pathetic. Having a mutual plan, as xena says, for him to let you know if it gets too much, is a great idea. That way you would also both feel supported, even if he cannot explain his fears, he will feel safe that you recognised something wasnt right and were fine with leaving the situation.

I cant do crowds anymore, I just freak out.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76 I am not sure if I want to go. He made it sound like it was actually very boring while extremely dangerous especially for our kids and also mean of me to make a guy with PTSD visit the event; I did not really try to „make him“ but in his world going there with the kids was „making him go there“. In the beginning I suggested we could go without him but he made it sound as if we were in mortal danger and I was an idiot and qualified for world’s lousiest parent and that he would not stay at home while his kids are in the charge of an idiot (me).
He made it sound so unpromising that I decided not to go, but then when I told him „let‘s just stay at home“ he basically gave me a pep speach on how bad it is to submit to your fears and cowardism and how much he wanted to go and that we are going to end up prisoners of his PTSD if we do not watch it and how bad that would be for the kids because all the friends of the older boys would go and talk about it the next day in the daycare. I said „Okay, let‘s go“.... not really convinced but mustering my courage... and then again he told me how dangerous it was and I tried to tell him that it was not that dangerous and he implied I was a naive idiot.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Akhos: I tried to tell him he was safe. I mean there is always the risk of terrorism in my country... especially at a Christmas market and I think the same is true for yours... but I think that at this one we are rather safe because there are concrete blocks barriers for our protection. So I tried to tell him that and he made it sound like I was a naive idiot

 

[Sweetpea76]

Did he actually say you were an idiot or naive?

 

[Never_falter2]

So I told you that he wanted to discuss the event again yesterday. In the meantime I told him „No, I do not want to discuss that again“ and he seemed a bit hurt and said „but you said that I do not talk about my feelings... and that if I I ever needed to discuss my feelings you would be there“... and that‘s true. I said it.

My husband seemed to be hurt because he disappeared into the gym (home gym in our house). He always does this when he is sad.

I feel bad for making him sad and I want him to be able to discuss his feelings with me.

Sad :( :( :(

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweatpea76: I do not recall his exact words. The discussion went in circles for a looong loooooooooong time. He said that I might be unaware of the danger and that I live in a world full of flowers and have no idea that there are people out there who want to hurt me and our children...because I live in my own little bubble full of unicorns and flowers... but he knows how the world really is... and it is horrible and unsafe... we are never safe EVER and events at Chirstmas markets are extremely unsafe... while at the same time extremely boring... and that only lousy parents would go there WITH THEIR KIDS

 

[Never_falter2]

Thinking of it again I think he said „I do not want to scare you, but you live in a world full of flowers and unicorns and know nothing outside your little bubble“ and „You have no idea of the world outside your little bubble. I do not mean this in an offensive way, but you just have no clue“. I thinks that was his exact words and then he pointed out I needed to be very, very afraid.