Relationship Fear of crowds - a questiong

[Freida]

I say this with love..... but chances are you will always be considered "naive" to someone with ptsd. I think most of the people around me are morons when it comes to danger and that seems to be a pretty common thread.

THAT IS ON US - NOT YOU.

I yell because I want to make sure you hear me. We are the ones with the screwed up thought processes and we usually know that. I really don't want you to see the world like I do, but at the same time I do so I can feel like you are safe. A military buddy told me that it makes him crazy when his adult daughter goes out the front door because she won't stay vigilante enough. Then we both laughed because, well, she will never be vigilante enough to make him happy. It's the hamster wheel from hell.

Offering to help with a plan isn't acknowledging you are naive. It's acknowledging that he needs to have a plan so he can feel like he is keeping you both safe.

 

[Akhos]

@Freida beautifully explained

 

[Never_falter2]

@Akhos: Maybe you should give your wife a sign. A thing you need to know about women: we cannot read minds.

 

[Akhos]

Not sure how much more she needs when i have tears rolling down my face. I am only trying to maybe help you understand it from a males point of view and was not intended as any form of attack. Hope it didnt offend you :(

 

[Never_falter2]

I am not offended. Don‘t worry.
I was just speaking from my own perspective for I cannot read my husband face very well. Sometimes I read his body language, but sometimes I fail at that so he needs to tell me.

BTW I sometimes have no idea why my husband is crying because he does not want to tell me and it is hard to know when he does not tell.

 

[Never_falter2]

It does not always mean he wants to go. Actually I think it never means he wants to go. It often does not even mean he is sad. He sometimes cries when singing or when there is a song that means something to him. When there is music my first guess would be that he would cry because of the music. Maybe your wife thought you cried because of something like this.

 

[Akhos]

I have refrained initially from answering your last two posts on this to regain myself a bit before answering, because, truthfully, my instinctive reaction was one of an invalidation of the impact of how strong the emotional responses can be which I found quite insulting. Your last post shows, to me, what @Freida and I have been trying to say - you cannot rationalise a reaction from PTSD,. It is easy to rationalise an emotional response when it is rational. An emotional response through a reaction to fear, to PTSD, is completely different because most of the time, the sufferer does not even know themselves other than, if they are lucky, that it was triggered due to a certain event.

It is not possible to be in an emotional state through a PTSD trigger where you can effectively communicate that you are having an attack at that moment in time to anyone, not even yourself. If it was possible, then it would mean that those emotions have been rationalised, which in the heat of the moment, is unlikely to happen. In the middle of an attack, you do not suddenly think - hang on, let me talk to the wife (or anyone else) and explain my emotional process and let her know that I am feeling sad, or scared, or want to leave or anything else. You freeze, your brain goes into panic mode, it doesnt want to communicate, it wants to run, or fight, or freeze, you want to just physically hide until the fear leaves your body, a core innate defence kicks in over which, once an attack takes place, you will struggle to control. In all reality, he probably wants to tell you, but he doesnt know what is happening himself other than his brain is just screaming at him to protect himself, and his family. He will interpret threats differently to how you do. Living in such constant fear is exhausting, absolutely dehabilitating, and crying often, for no apparent reason to others, is very common and is a normal body reaction to stress. I cry to music all the time, but not because of the music itself, to TV, a bird, a dog, a car horn, a loud bang, but because my emotional cup is full, my brain is exhausted, my body is tired, and any further emotional input is enough to make it flow over.

I hope you manage to understand a bit better the effects of PTSD and I hope that you manage to support your husband the way in which is beneficial to you both. Personally, I wont be responding to this post anymore as the last two posts have, to me, completely invalidated the impact of how dehabilitating the impact of an attack can be through a lack of understanding and knowledge, and in order to protect myself. I dont know how else to say it, you cannot rationalise an attack through PTSD, or how the brain interprets any information.

I genuinly wish you both the very best of luck.

 

[LuckiLee]

I haven't read all the reply's but my advice is don't go. His anxiety is already high just thinking about going. I wouldn't put my guy through that.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Freida]

here's an example that might help. I got massively triggered driving to the in laws house. As in I almost drove off the road. I know I was crying because my face was wet but I wasn't 100% sure that was why my face was wet. It was just hard to see the road but I wasn't sure what was wrong with my eyes. Hubby asked what was going on but I couldn't answer him. All I could think of was escaping. ALL I could think of -- how far can I drive and how far can I go. I couldn't connect the trigger to the crying to the feeling of escape until several hours later.

 

[LuckiLee]

He's afraid to go. Simple as that. But he's a man and not going to come out and tell you that.

This is where you SUPPORT him.

 

[Freida]

@leehalf is right (once again!) I guess I can give you all the explanations in the world but it comes down to a need for support even if it doesn't make sense.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks @Freida.

@Never_falter. I wouldn't even bring up the topic again because it's triggering your husband. I would find something else to do. Start a new tradition. If YOU really want to go. Go with friends.

Good luck.