Fear Of Insanity Panic

[intrasearching]

I've posted here before about my fear of insanity. The fear cycles - my first obsessive fear was about schizophrenia. Then I moved on to bipolar. Then borderline. I definitely don't have borderline, nor do I have schizophrenia. Who knows if either of those will come out someday (since there is possibility of late onset schizophrenia - not sure about borderline). What I am panicking about right now is bipolar. My brother is bipolar, and I had a traumatic experience with him when he first become psychotic. I expect that some of my anxiety is from that event. However, before he became bipolar I was still scared. It has been a fear for a while, but hasn't shown up so much lately.

But right now I am in a state of high anxiety. While I was at work, I felt fairly happy and content. I felt more relaxed and confident than usual. On Monday I recall feeling a little bit sad. And just a bit ago when I made those associations, I spun into a panic. I am certainly not bipolar now - because I've never had mania or even hypomania, nor have I ever had a severe depression. But those little features of feeling a little happy and confident really scares me. It could be a precursor to eventual bipolar or bipolar II.

I am probably just triggered right now because an hour ago I met with my psychologist. He maintains that I only have PTSD and anxiety stuff. Judging by how anxious I feel right now, he's probably right. But why would I get these moments of happiness? Do normal people feel more happy - even giddy - out of the blue sometimes?

Just trying to calm myself down. Not sure why, but these concepts of serious mental illnesses have always horrified me. And I mean no disrespect to anyone suffering from anything I've mentioned - from experience and rationality I know that having these issues and being a perfectly wonderful human being are not at all mutually exclusive. Nevertheless, thinking I'm susceptible launches me into a panic... :-(

 

[Lost Pup]

I used to be terrified of having a psychotic break and/or becoming schizophrenic, despite having no family history of thought disorders. Later it shifted to knowing I was not suffering from schizophrenia or bipolar but being afraid others would think so.

During a traumatic activation a year ago, a not-close friend of mine thought I was having a manic episode and I got a taste for what that felt like. Sad and frustrating but, I came to realize, it had no bearing on the reality of my own experience.

What hurt, though, was the feeling of alienation and being misunderstood, profoundly unable to communicate my own experience to someone else who had gotten very much the wrong idea about me, based on their own history and issues (super disturbed bipolar mom growing up).

Do you think there is an aspect of this in your own fear of major mental illness? Of being unable to bridge some sort of basic ability to communicate with others? I hope your anxiety lessens soon. LP

 

[intrasearching]

Yes, you're right. It's definitely because I'm afraid there will be some part of me that I cannot control, that will be painful, that I will not be able to communicate to others. If it's out of control, what I communicate won't make sense to others because they won't function in that plane. And so I'll be misunderstood and alone in my suffering. At least with anxiety I have most of my rationality intact so I can communicate my experience accurately and receive proper treatment.

I think I am just overtired. I didn't sleep well and had to rise early for work. I feel myself getting quite sleepy now - sometimes when I have a crap night of sleep I feel really nervous and weird that day.

 

[billie]

Maybe to help you with the concept of PTSD is to think about it as a psychological injury, in comparison to a disorder. On manic days yes my spectrum is continuous at one point being estactic and on the other side, well its pretty dark. Hope that helps.

 

[arfie]

Anxiety can take me some really frightening places, including this one. Fear of insanity never stuck well on me, just because being crazy never bothered me much, but I have definitely suffered major anxiety over the full blown insanity. These days I try to keep the focus on handling the anxiety and try to worry less about where it takes me. Anxiety is not the best tour guide on the planet.

Keep sorting until you get a handle on yours, Intra.

 

[Mercy]

. But why would I get these moments of happiness? Do normal people feel more happy - even giddy - out of the blue sometimes?

Yes, I think so. I have also thought, in the early years of therapy, that I didn't deserve to be happy, or giggely with my children. I like smiling at a tree for no good reason, except I liked the way the wind made the leaves move. It is really ok to let the good stuff in however fleetingly.

 

[DMerish]

I think one can fairly easily convince one's self they have some sort of disorder when they know things aren't entirely "right" inside and they're searching for what that is, or if another person repeatedly tells someone they are this or they're that. At one time I had the fear of "going insane" - it came from someone repeatedly telling me I was crazy. Then one day, I really pondered it and discovered that I didn't feel insane (whatever insane was) but that I had begun to believe what the person was telling me. And I realized, no one had alluded to me being insane before, that I functioned fairly "normally" but yet, sure, I had some things to work on. But believing what was being told to me WAS insane! That's when I woke up, changed the direction of my life, got help, and was diagnosed with PTSD. Eventually, through studying what it is and observing myself, I've come to understand it and the "crazy" feelings one has because of it sometimes.