Feel Like I Am Drowning

[externalsmile]

I feel so bad lately. My whole life feels like a disaster and keeps getting worse.

I just want to be a good person and lead a happy life but there are too many selfish people out there that lie too easily about me.

I don't get it......why would a person lie so much about one person? Why do your best to destroy them and their reputation because they told the truth?

Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and just let him keep stalking me.

The doctor increased my medication but I feel like it is pointless even taking it. I'm not going to be alright when there is someone lying about me and trying to destroy my life.

 

[AdamAnt]

I'd be willing to bet that there are important people who recognize those lies for what they are!

 

[externalsmile]

Yeah but unfortunately I have no proof and the people who would have witnessed some of his behaviour towards me won't say it because they don't want to get involved.

 

[seedling]

I'm glad you didn't keep your mouth shut and suffer in silence. Right now if may have seemed like the easier way but hang in there. There's better places to go from here.

If it helps, we know it was right. The wrong-doers don't like to get caught and admit they're wrong.

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you.

 

[Tessa]

Hang in there. We believe you.
I have felt like I'm drowning lately however I told my T I was going to climb up on a floatie so I can at least see the shore.
Hugs

 

[externalsmile]

It means so much when people say they believe me. Thank you so much.

 

[jesse]

I believe you external smile. My best friend's ex-girlfriend has been stalking him for over a year. In Aug 2009 she lied and called the police and said he hit her and broke her hand (she has borderline personality disorder). She also called his boss and he was immediately fired. He spent a week in jail for something he didn't do and faced felony assault charges for 7 months but was cleared. In the meantime his house was foreclosed because he couldn't find another full-time job right away. She is still stalking him. He had to move and she found out where he lives and works, she sent letters to his new employers thankfully they knew about her and were on his side. It kills me to see how much pain she has caused him and how the legal system won't protect him mainly because he is male. So I believe you and would stop torturing yourself by trying to understand evil people. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you.

What kills me is that I am over my childhood. I have finally moved on bar the occassional bad dream. But that is all I have now....is a bad dream, no nightmares.

Now all my focus is being dragged onto this situation. I'm crashing with all this attention on me. Everyone at work is talking and then the constant meetings I have to go to because of all this is making me hypervigilant. I'm gone back to being jumpy. One thing I am grateful is that at the moment I am snowed in so fat chance of anyone getting near me to do harm!

I'm just so angry. There were a few people around me that knew what was going on but ignored how serious it all was and just joked about it. Maybe they didn't want to see how serious it was. But now that it has all come out those same people that can back up my story are the ones that don't want anything to do with the investigation meaning he will most likely get off with a light slap on the wrists and I will be told I was reading into things/lying.

I hate that nobody tried to help me when it was happening and now nobody that can help won't help. It is so hard to keep faith that there are good people in this world when I feel so let down.


And back to the attention thing, I feel suffocated because of it all. I hate attention. I want to be unnoticed. I want to be unimportant. I want to be a nobody. I was happily living that life the few months before all this started and things were good. Then he suffocated me with constant unwanted attention. For the first time ever I have major body issues. I feel so ugly and rotten because I attracted such a detestable man. It has driven me so far that I want to disfigure my face so nobody will look at me in that way again. I want to make myself sick because I feel like my body should be punished for attracting him.

Now I have constant meetings at work to make sure I am coping ok, I can't hiccup without the world turning to look at me. I hate management because I blame them too for not questioning why he was hanging around me so much. I feel like everyone is watching, waiting for me to crack and say I was lying. It is like they don't want to believe it all happened because if it did then they f*cked up too by employing him. Everything I do and say at work is being watched. I only need to look sideways and I seem to be getting told off for something. Management don't seem to take me seriously, I'm caught between the reason being either that they think I am a liar or that I am seriously dumb for getting harassed.

I don't know how long more I can cope with my life being under a magnifying glass. It makes me feel like I have done wrong.

 

[jesse]

The scrutiny will pass with time but knowing that doesn't help at the present. Is finding employment elsewhere an option? Removing yourself from the source of trauma would help but I know jobs are hard to come by. Are you in therapy? That would help significantly.

I was stalked 20 years ago before there were stalking laws in the USA. Finally the guy threatened me via US mail he sent a letter saying he was going to kidnap, torture, and rape me. I already had PTSD so this really didn't help. Anyway I went to the FBI and they took it seriously and investigated him. As a result I have never heard from him since. It was a former employer I had in high school. My family was convinced I had a sexual relationship with him and I think they still don't believe me that I didn't. It got better but took years.

I understand the scrutiny and paranoia. I hope you find some comfort in knowing others have experienced it and support you here. Don't disfigure yourself please. I used to cut and feel humiliated by the scars and really encourage you to not take that route.

 

[externalsmile]

Moving jobs isn't an option unfortunately. I'm tied to a contract for another 2 years and even then it will be impossible to get another job unless I move country. I am looking at that idea but it seems so far away that I don't know.

I am a wuss with pain so I probably wouldn't hurt myself. It has been 10years since I last hurt myself and I really don't want to go back that way again. I do eat foods that I am intolerant to knowing that I will get severe diahorrea and it will make me more disgusting but I am trying my best to stick to a really healthy diet.

I'm so sorry to hear you went through stalking problems too. It is horrible. Like you I already had PTSD thanks to my parents. I had talked to a local cop and he said what the guy did was against the law but since there was no physical proof it would be too much stress to go through for a slim chance at getting him prosecuted. For any chance of getting proof I need to hope that I get a few more silent phonecalls so the cops can look into it then.

 

[jesse]

My heart just sank when you said you are tied to a 2 year contract. You must feel so trapped. Was your abuser fired at least? It's good the policeman at least listened to you and is trying to help. The local police in my case wouldn't even consider helping and they couldn't anyway because there were no state laws then. I am eternally grateful to the FBI. I remember after the initial investigation I was called down to the local FBI office. They sat me down and told me they went to his house (he lived 2 states away) and there were pictures of me all over his walls. He was delusional and believed I was being held captive from him by my family. Then they told me to get a gun and carry it at all times. They said I need to look over my shoulder at all times in public watching for his van to pull up and abduct me. When I went to my college classes I was to look all around the lecture hall for him sitting there. Wow what a thing to say to someone who already has PTSD! It's kind of funny now in a sick way.