Hello everyone, times have been so tough and stressful recently.
I've barely been in school for a year, and barely been out with friends the past couple of months. Even going to the shop causes stress, I feel like I have lost motivation, faith, hope, personality and my soul. I feel like there's no fighting it, I feel far to gone to far into insanity. There's a constant hollowness in my heart, I feel like I don't care anymore about anyone or anything, don't even care enough to help myself.
I have reactive attachment disorder, I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old. I'm also diagnosed with social anxiety and ADHD diagnosed a year ago. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist every week and I'm on setraline, zoplicone and ritalin but don't take the ritalin.
I was in foster care from ages 5 to 14 and suffered severe traumas the whole time I was in it. When I was 5 me and my brother found my mum half dead from a suicide attempt, rung an ambulance and my grandmother. My mother couldn't speak or move, me and my brother thought she was dead. My mother was very lucky to be alive. I had witnessed my father beating her as a young child, but I remember very little. I was exposed to bad situations and was placed in foster care.
Then when I entered foster care, I was lonely, confused and sad. I was being mentally abused and neglected, and was sexually abused from my foster siblings. I remember crying on my sixth birthday wanting my mother, I wasn't aloud to be with her and it was heartbreaking. I still feel the hurt and loneliness. I had no friends back then, no family so I was so lonely. I rarely even got to eat dinner, I had to stay in my room at all times.
After about 4 years of living there, I told a friend at school what was happening, they told a teacher and social services came to the house. My foster parents lied and said I was a troubled child, who made lies and that's when I was diagnosed with RAD. I didn't understand at the time, I thought I was the bad one. I had to lie to the child psychologist at the time. That memory haunts me.
Then I moved to a new family, they were nice at first, but then when I hit puberty I started spiraling out of control. Anorexia, Bulimia, Self harm, Drug abuse, disturbed behavior, stealing, extreme acting out, suicide attempts, was even addicted to painkillers at 13 years old. I was extremely mentally abused from my foster parents, called names, brainwashed, manipulated, humiliated , controlled, abused, framed to the point I wanted to murder them. I told social services about it and the same thing happens again. During all that I was extremely bullied at school.
My psychologist had to inform social services to get me out of there because I was losing my mind. Then this was the best thing that happened to me in my life, I got out of the foster care system and got what I ever wanted, what I dreamed of growing up as a child, I got my mother back, my family.
Life still isn't good though, I still can't bond, my father is abusive and manipulates my mother for money. The social services don't know about my father being with my mother, because of his violent past, hes not allowed to see me until I'm 18. My mother wont leave him, all he does is use her, cheat on her, steal her money and she always go back to him. I'm getting so frustrated, my father is a violent alcoholic.
My mum wonders why I hate him, I just cant love or trust someone like that. I know from my past.
Right now I feel lost, I've ruined my life. Feel like I will never get my happy ending. I have no education, no skills, no one I love truly love. I just feel like sleeping the days away, or die. I feel like my hopes ran out. I just want to change my identity, leave my country and leave everyone behind but cant because I'm only 15. Life just seems to stressful to cope with, felt like this since I was a child.
Sorry for the long post, I just have so much stress I needed to get it out, in a healthy way.
Thanks x
I've barely been in school for a year, and barely been out with friends the past couple of months. Even going to the shop causes stress, I feel like I have lost motivation, faith, hope, personality and my soul. I feel like there's no fighting it, I feel far to gone to far into insanity. There's a constant hollowness in my heart, I feel like I don't care anymore about anyone or anything, don't even care enough to help myself.
I have reactive attachment disorder, I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old. I'm also diagnosed with social anxiety and ADHD diagnosed a year ago. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist every week and I'm on setraline, zoplicone and ritalin but don't take the ritalin.
I was in foster care from ages 5 to 14 and suffered severe traumas the whole time I was in it. When I was 5 me and my brother found my mum half dead from a suicide attempt, rung an ambulance and my grandmother. My mother couldn't speak or move, me and my brother thought she was dead. My mother was very lucky to be alive. I had witnessed my father beating her as a young child, but I remember very little. I was exposed to bad situations and was placed in foster care.
Then when I entered foster care, I was lonely, confused and sad. I was being mentally abused and neglected, and was sexually abused from my foster siblings. I remember crying on my sixth birthday wanting my mother, I wasn't aloud to be with her and it was heartbreaking. I still feel the hurt and loneliness. I had no friends back then, no family so I was so lonely. I rarely even got to eat dinner, I had to stay in my room at all times.
After about 4 years of living there, I told a friend at school what was happening, they told a teacher and social services came to the house. My foster parents lied and said I was a troubled child, who made lies and that's when I was diagnosed with RAD. I didn't understand at the time, I thought I was the bad one. I had to lie to the child psychologist at the time. That memory haunts me.
Then I moved to a new family, they were nice at first, but then when I hit puberty I started spiraling out of control. Anorexia, Bulimia, Self harm, Drug abuse, disturbed behavior, stealing, extreme acting out, suicide attempts, was even addicted to painkillers at 13 years old. I was extremely mentally abused from my foster parents, called names, brainwashed, manipulated, humiliated , controlled, abused, framed to the point I wanted to murder them. I told social services about it and the same thing happens again. During all that I was extremely bullied at school.
My psychologist had to inform social services to get me out of there because I was losing my mind. Then this was the best thing that happened to me in my life, I got out of the foster care system and got what I ever wanted, what I dreamed of growing up as a child, I got my mother back, my family.
Life still isn't good though, I still can't bond, my father is abusive and manipulates my mother for money. The social services don't know about my father being with my mother, because of his violent past, hes not allowed to see me until I'm 18. My mother wont leave him, all he does is use her, cheat on her, steal her money and she always go back to him. I'm getting so frustrated, my father is a violent alcoholic.
My mum wonders why I hate him, I just cant love or trust someone like that. I know from my past.
Right now I feel lost, I've ruined my life. Feel like I will never get my happy ending. I have no education, no skills, no one I love truly love. I just feel like sleeping the days away, or die. I feel like my hopes ran out. I just want to change my identity, leave my country and leave everyone behind but cant because I'm only 15. Life just seems to stressful to cope with, felt like this since I was a child.
Sorry for the long post, I just have so much stress I needed to get it out, in a healthy way.
Thanks x
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