Feel Like I'm Splitting Or Detaching And Being Sucked Away

[Chava]

Like I have little control over the detaching feelings, or how I seem to have no good feelings, but I also feel it mildly as protective. I'm not diagnosed BPD, by the way, though with early complex trauma, definitely relate some parts of that. A few weeks ago I was feeling incredibly trapped. Then it morphed into stress that would not settle down...just kept getting worse until I felt like I'd end up in the hospital (felt like nervous breakdown...my body was just rattled and crumbling and feeling like it was stuck in front of an oncoming truck ALL THE TIME). Even being crazy, I tried to do what normal people might do and reach out for help. But I'm so bad at it. I can't just say, "help!" I come across as just whining or rambling.

My therapist doesn't respond to my crisis-type e-mails (or what I feel like are crisis times). I tell myself she must be trying to not reinforce my crisis stuff. I feel like it's reinforcing some sort of trauma of being left in crisis, like left in the hospital alone as a kid, or left to protect myself when my mom was raging, or when she was breaking a door behind my back and I had just me to defend and protect. When there is a crisis, there is nobody who can help me, which reminds me I'm a f#cked up piece of sh*t and a burden. Anyway, I called a colleague I've know for many years and told her how stressed I was (work stuff and generally not doing well on some medications I'm taking). She listened well. But today when I sent an e-mail, probably trying to make too many points in a short, short space (like 4 different points in one paragraph to keep it short), she replied that it didn't make sense and I was rambling. I told her nevermind. But it seemed so insensitive. Like she could listen well but really be irritated by me. I can believe that happens. I'm like a vortex of intensity and negative energy when really stressed...like nervous breakdown or I want to die. Fine she didn't call back to see how I was doing. But to not slow down and read my e-mail, but just tell me I'm rambling. Sorry, I'M BRAIN DAMAGED.

trigger? S.I

I quit and unquit therapy last week. Last night I vowed not to burn myself, then I started burning and felt everything I have been missing....total self-reliance, no need for others for support, even in my crisis. I can take care of myself, however poorly, I always have. If it's really bad, I can burn myself. So now I'm into that shit again and it feels like it's actually protecting or saving me.

I'll see my therapist tomorrow but feel no connection to her or this process. I don't think I can get better. I don't trust others, even someone like a nice therapist Iv'e known for a couple years....I am in a bubble where I reach nobody and they cannot reach me. I can't feel any good feelings and do not want to. I want to feel like I can manage my nervous breakdown on my own vs the added panic of feeling shit on by anyone I might dare trust.

So I feel deeply detached, split, like I've dropped into some ancient safe hole where I can burn out all the terrible feelinsg with no support from anyone, and rise up into the real world with an even better "I'm Fine" front because I really am distressing as I am detaching, disconnecting, splitting, whatever. Its my angry, dark, I-have-to-take-care-of-myself personality. I feel no joy. Just surviving all on my own.

I have an appointment I think I will stick with tomorrow, but stare at the floor and not talk. Tonight I am burning myself because it works. But how do you get out of this? I crave no connection...want everyone to stay the f*ck away from me so I can a crisis all to myself. Full of wounds...the kind of thing that speaks for us but also keeps us at least connected to ourselves and everything we can hide and contain within our wounds.

I am not who I was a month ago.NO good feelings, trapped, no one who can listen or help. IN a crisis ica n takecare of myself. LITcigs , simmer down intensity.......a.ll...ba d feelngs. no joy no humor, no creativity, no love, nothing...I've split into a death wish girl. I dont' want to go to therapy and more. Maybe one day, to stare at the floor, see if my therapist imagines any way out. I am not myself. I am my soul-less self destructive self, teen=ager like. burning my arms is all that helps. IS THERE A WAY OUT? HOW DO I Quit therapy or how do ikeep going? I am a burden and waste of time....I. want to set myself on fire and be free

 

[Chava]

I'm in the mood to let the animals out, close myself in the car with all my oil paint thinner and mineral spirits and just combust. But my animals would be freaked out forever. On ambien, this is how I dream. I don't know what happened. Work is good, creative, but beyond that I've become an impossible person without a soul. It's like the opposite of me. I'm switching into my death-wish, uncreative self. Relationships? phhh It's me. my dog, my cat, my stinging arm is still here, my cigs and knives and hiding spots. Waiting for the end of the world. Until 8am "mormalcy"

 

[joeylittle]

@Chava, just so you know, I moved this post into Depression/Suicidal Ideation.

I am really sorry you are where you're at. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away. That feeling of being at the bottom of a hole, not knowing how to get out and just wishing for oblivion - I know that feeling and it's awful. If you can tell yourself this: anhedonia, which kicks in quickly around any kind of depression, can easily make you feel like you are no longer the person you once were. But it's only a (very powerful) symptom. And it works like wearing sunglasses in the dark - you find that you can't see, and don't know why except its dark. But the sunglasses can come off - the anhedonia can and will pass.

Can you bring these posts to therapy? Just giving them to her to read will save you some unnecessary pain in describing all this out loud.

If it helps, I'm listening and understanding your writing very clearly.

 

[Chava]

@joeylittle first, how was I supposed to know this was the right forum until my added second note..and then like I'm even thinking of that. I appreciate that you moved it for me...I didn't really need the added correction message. My first note is about a lot of stuff (more than just this forum, but that's fine). Anyway, can't believe I posted anyway. I'm afraid to look at my arm, so this isn't working either. obviously. I've been trying to tell my therapist for months that I feel like I'm not happy, then too stressed, and now I can't deal with anything. I guess that's part of this? I wish I could be pre-therapy f*cked up then and at least have all of my disconnection defenses back because a little shred of wanting to reach out isn't working and making me feel worse (and as for reaching out on a forum, as last ditch as that effort is, little correction notes on top of a reminder message to not post in the wrong forum per forum policy or whatever...not a big deal, but sort of stupid in my opinion...just move the post and I wouldn't even notice....but this is beyond depression...sorry I'm such an asshole)

 

[joeylittle]

You're not an asshole. And it's just me doing what I'm asked to do as staff. But I understand why you're upset, and I'm sorry, really, for the timing. I put the note at the top of my post just in case you couldn't find where your posts went. The message sent was just a standard one that goes out with a warning, I knew it wasn't great timing on my part, but it's not ever meant to be a personal criticism. Rules have to be rules for everyone is all.

But really, you're not an asshole. You're dealing with a huge shitty situation and pile of feelings. And yeah, unlike ordinary depression, the things you have to contend with daily re:your health, what's happened to you - it's more than a person should ever have to bear. I really don't know how you do it; I think you have inner reserves of such strength. And trying to tell your therapist for months and feeling like it's not working - maybe you can use some of the frustration that's coming up to the top about that, and lay it on the table with her about whether or not she is the right person to treat you? What's to lose, right? Because it's her job to be able to hear this kind of stuff from you and respond in a way that makes the situation better, or more grounded.

I hope that you keep reaching out here whenever you need to. I can't call real life people anymore because the disappointment when they are too busy/not available is unbearable when things are shitty. It ends up feeling dangerous to try. So Internet places like this one do become at least reliable. And we all need some reliable. Anyway, thinking of you today and hope things go a little better.

 

[Chava]

Okay, thanks. And really I was an asshole yesterday (middle of the night?) so thanks for not taking it seriously. Instead of quitting therapy (wth), I went to my appointment and it was helpful...somatic experiencing stuff, realizing how hard it was to even let go of some of the edge of this whole body rattling/buzzing feeling that's been eating me alive. I wasn't able to even access good feelings at all (depressed but more like wanting to start myself on fire in response to bad energy intensity)...I've been aware of that inability to feel good, but it didn't matter because my body has felt like it's falling off a cliff or meeting a head-on truck. My cat is not funny or cuddly when I'm in that mode....none of my comforts work. So good to release some of the crazy energy and lower the intensity. Yesterday makes me think "holy crap" but I'm not going to beat myself up. Just try to go forward in little steps. Thanks for taking the time to respond @joeylittle

 

[joeylittle]

Yesterday makes me think "holy crap" but I'm not going to beat myself up. Just try to go forward in little steps.

That is the mantra. I'm gonna use that one tomorrow for myself; I couldn't get out of the house to go to work today. Really, couldn't get out of the bed. But I try to think of the next morning as a kind of reset button. Little steps, no self-beating. Yeah, I wish my cats would do that dog thing where they would come and be sweet when I'm upset. Instead they just give me space - like "we get it, you're upset, we'll just leave you alone, come join us when you feel better". Cats.

Glad you got some relief today.

 

[Chava]

p.s. my therapist was also gone for a few weeks recently and that really didn't worry me at the time. Just happened I was really busy, but piling on bad stress, and it does help to keep it in check. When I can trust the process a little, the somatic approach is really helpful for me. And I feel like my therapist gets that I'm at the end of my rope...will see if it helps to not miss so many weeks and just get beyond shit pile of recent stress. My trust for everyone just goes way far to crap when I'm in hyper-stress mode so I'm just glad she hasn't dumped me.

 

[Chava]

My is not funny to me when I'm in bad energy mode...but my cat is really in my face when I'm upset, licking my tears. I think he is the reincarnation of some god of compassion, or at least a golden retriever (I don't really like cats, just this one). He'll lay his paw on my cheek when I'm somewhat depersonalized, like he's saying "reconnect, damn-it" but in a very gentle way. And sometimes it works amazingly. I blow him off a lot when I'm stressed and he still clings to me and seems to know I'm in here somewhere. Amazing little fellow. My dog is a little more like, "Oh my god, you're boring."