Feel like there is no hope

[Pauline]

Hi guys I've posted on here a couple of times but I am really lost at the moment I have severe child regression dissociation where I have days hours months speaking and feeling like a child around my family I have cuddly toys that I literally cling too and feel like a four year severely scare child I have had this since I was 16 years old I have literally no hope that it will get better initially I thought this developed because I could have been sexually abused but now I don't know anymore I have no concrete memories and my trauma was amnesia I can't remember anything from being a teenager after a severe episode of not being able to breathe and blacking out I literally I have given up I have a new therapist but I don't know if it's going to help I am at a lost end with this and I feel like this is going to be for the rest of my life I am also suffering from severe depression and intrusive thoughts at the moment and really miss my self harm there is literally just no hope I had thoughts and feelings that it was my father who abused me but now I'm home for Christmas and I feel kind of safe with him so I'm labelling myself as an official crazy person there are Just no answers for my recovery and no one I can relate too I feel at a complete loss and have fully given up on getting better I don't expect to anymore

 

[MrMoonlight]

I love that you have cuddly soft things for times like this. I should look into getting one for myself. I do see hope for you because you are reaching out, searching for answers and connection. It will get better and I'm really sorry you are feeling this way right now. It's such a lonely place but you have us so you aren't alone and you are understood.

This time of year is difficult for a lot of us here so we also have that in common. I just know with time, tools and courage our vision of what is possible changes. It shifts, our perspective and depth of field changes, we see things that seemed impossible just a short while ago.

Don't give up on yourself, give yourself some understanding, maybe feeling like that child is exactly what you needed at that moment. Grab a stuffed animal, make a blanket fort and get safe...be safe and love yourself. You need understanding for yourself I think.

 

[Pauline]

Thank you

 

[KimmyO]

Hi Pauline, it is possible you were molested before you were old enough to recognize. Your regression is common with also those who were over controlled at a young age and the only time they got love is when they acted like a baby so that became their go to. Esp if other children were treated differently and able to boss you all the time, it makes you feel like the only way you can live in that environment is to act like a baby or toddler, sinc everyone else is bossy and able to control you. If that was not so, there was definitely something that put you there. To help w your anxiety, you might try taking magnesium and ginseng. They help calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts. It helps so much! It will help get rid of the desire to hurt yourself too. So sorry you are dealing w these feelings. You are more than your past or what was done to you, you are a treasure to be valued and don't forget it! <3

 

[Pauline]

Thank you so much for your kind words I think deep down I know I was molested or sexually abused but sometimes I feel it is safer to be in my dissociation state because my brain doesn't want to feel like that could be me as a person also I don't know how to heal my body if my mind can't remember and I can't go around accusing people like a maniac I'm not really sure how to help myself on this matter it makes me feel icky do psychiatrist know if you have been abused before you do and can they help you with this body stuff X

 

[Phoenix(not)]

Hi Pauline, I am sorry to hear you are affected in the ways you describe. May I suggest you do a Google search using the search string "Dissociation+Trauma" [no quotes]. One of the results / links should include an article from PsychCentral titled Complex Trauma: Dissociation, Fragmentation and Self Understanding which refers to a book titled Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma by Dr Janina Fisher. This book is highly acclaimed and may help you to understand better, what is happening to you.

I know only that when my PTSD first took over my life, I was desperate to understand what was happening to me in the hope I could mitigate the effects. For me, it was as if a black cloud had enveloped me. I visualised being in a tunnel and was seeking the metaphorical "light at the end of the tunnel". Very confusing times. I did a lot of searches and study in this quest. I am not suggesting you can heal yourself, but it will likely help you understand what you experience and the therapy you receive from your psychiatrist and/or psychologist. I believe that with knowledge comes understanding; and with understanding you may be able to acquire the skills to recognise, mitigate and hopefully takes steps forward towards recovery. I sincerely hope you can discover ways to overcome and with gentle steps forward towards some level of healing and normality. I wish you well, going forward.

 

[KimmyO]

I am so sorry it has been so long since I hopped on and saw your reply. I don't know if they do realized before the patient does. probably there are signs but not a for sure. I don't agree with the hypnotizing since it has a lot of false positives with the power of suggestion but no one can change the past either way, just hang in there on you work of healing and letting go. You are a new person now and not who you used to be or what was done to you, you are more! =) Have you been using the magnesium and ginseng like I suggested? If so, are you noticing a difference yet? <3

 

[Pauline]

I made a huge leap in therapy today and told her about my feeling like a four year old in my body and needing my bear to my make me feel safe she probably thought I was a complete psycho but at least I told her I also mention my self harm which happened after my accident all of this stuff happened after my memory loss I don't know how she is going to fix me but at least I told her if i was sexually abused then I would want to heal from it my body knows it has been hurt in some way or form but either way whatever it is she kept mentioning a stuck memory so maybe she has some clue but trying not to obsesss because then I will be annoyed all I want is to get better and I'm going to focus on that aim my body knows it's been damaged it just sucks because before my accident I was completely normal and now I just feel like a freak why does everything have to be so terrified all the time it's so unfair and I hate the feeling of this shit happening again it is driving me insane I just wish it never happens to me and I wish for answers