Childhood Feeling Disconnected With My Family

[Stills]

I've felt this way continuously and consistently. I find this feeling difficult to deal with. My parent has their partner and my sister has my niece, and I just feel left out. I think it stems from feeling 'outside' my entire life. The issue is that it's incredibly contradicting. While I want to spend time with my family (and NOT feel alone), I have this burning desire to disconnect and be on my own because 'I'm alone anyways'. I don't know how to balance the two and it's frustrating and I'm in constant emotional turmoil. I wish I didn't feel so separated from my family or perhaps people in general, but I feel most with my family. I love them deeply and it's almost like that deep sense of love is terrifying in itself that the disconnect feeling is probably a form of protection. I don't know if it goes back to my childhood or not, but I kind of assume it does. Does anyone else feel this way? It's awfully lonesome...

 

[katz]

I've felt this way continuously and consistently. I find this feeling difficult to deal with. My parent...

Yes. Stills, it is something that others have felt. My whole family is still living. Even my folks at 85 and 90 yrs old.

Both of my sisters have children with husbands so they are very close, my husband and I are left out of a lot of things. When we are with everyone at family functions, we are hardly spoken too. It's like we're strangers. No one wants to see how we are or even to call us by phone. I have nieces and nephews that won't even send me an email to thank me for a birthday gift.

I always tell the story of my wedding day--9 years ago. When the wedding was over, everyone went back to our house to open gifts and spend some time...my sister went home. Her whole family left the reception and went home.

The last time she was at my house was when I bought it in 2003.( She only lives about 35 minutes from us.) My husband and I try to laugh about it and tell everyone that we have "cooties", so no one wants to come near us. It hurts us both very much to feel so far outside the family. Aren't families supposed to love each other and be there for them?

I know that when both of my folks pass away that will be the end of the "family" for me. I highly doubt that I will see - or hear - from any of them. Sisters, brother, nieces or nephew. I can't decide if it will be more sad or will it be a relief?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I wish I didn't understand this, but it's bad for me. I have no connection to the family I was born into, and now I'm feeling like my relationships with my kids are slipping out of my grasp. And as bad as that hurts, I can't seem to find the motivation to change it. Damn my isolation.