Feeling dismissed and ignored by family

[CariCat]

How does everyone deal with family members who enable an abuser?

who side more with them than the vicitim?

The abuser gets invited to their house for holidays. I never get invited because they know I'm not comfortable around the abuser. They spend time with the abuser. I've yet to be invited to their house. My Aunt makes the excuse that Im always sick. ( I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. )

Is it normal for families to act like this? I've been told by friends that it's not normal. My therapist said that they are choosing to spend time with the abuser for a reason. And that the rest of my family has their own lives.

 

[Friday]

I tend to go for guilt by association, quite frankly.

I also, periodically, go for the guilt/shame smackdown : So you’re buying my RAPIST Christmas presents? Really??? Inviting someone who TRIED TO KILL your grandchild for a meal? Seriously???

Decent people, who are trying ro do right by the rules they live in (oh, it would be RUDE to not invite blah blah blah. Oh. Right. DAMN STRAIGHT they should be grateful we’re ONLY being rude!) tend to catch the message fairly quickly. Others? Can f*ck right off. I want nothing to do with them.

Probably not the healthiest/best/smartest play, but? It’s what I actually do, when it comes up in my life. Assign guilt by association, and then smack them in the face with it, to see what happens.

 

[CariCat]

Well I have confronted my aunt and she said that she has no time for herself. And she got mad at me for confronting her. Im Italian. My dad's side of the family is helpful but when it comes to my physical and mental health they are completely hands off.I told her today that my greater trocanter bursitis has spread to my legs. And she said that hers went away?1? I said to her that my doctor has told me that it's spread to my legs. I explained how much pain I have walking, standing, sitting etc. All she said was, hope you feel better. Frankly Im offended. Because when my dad doesn't feel good she runs and brings him food. I have to physically push myself to do things. And end up crying in my car because my pain is so bad.

That's not normal how they act towards me. I think that she is very self involved.

 

[Charbella]

That's not normal how they act towards me. I think that she is very self involved.

I agree. Having called them on it and it not changing means you can’t do much about it.

In regards to them running to your dad when he says something. I wonder if you are like me. I say things matter of fact and struggle to show any emotions, this includes pain. So my family runs to others not because they don’t know I have issues but because the others in the family are more needy. Their needs get met.

 

[CariCat]

Charbella my dad acts very needy. He will call up everyone he knows when he is sick. Mind you, he's currently not sick. My aunt just decided to bring him food. My aun't response to me when i told her that I had bursitis was, hers went away. Mind you she doesn't have any underlining health problems. I am pretty outspoken. I will tell people when I'm upset but I don't swear at them or disrespect them.

Something was said to my aunt. Because when i would text her she would respond and chat with me. Now Im lucky if I get an entire sentence out of her. That's suspicious behavior and makes me think that my uncle said something to her. Or she is just an unhappy person and doesn't know how to act nice. She said something very bizarre to me that she claimed my italian grandmother used to say. My grandmother never made negative comments the way she claimed she did.

I don't ask my aunt to help me. Because a while back I found out that I'm anemic and need b12 injections. My dad asked her to help me out because I was struggling to get things done in my apartment. Her response was, I have only a short amount of time to help you because I babysit all the time. Watch so and so in the family and other excuses. Come to find out she tells me one day that she goes to the gym all of the time, goes on shopping sprees, and goes out to have fun with her family. I was stunned to say the least

 

[Charbella]

It sounds like you should stop asking your aunt for anything. Sorry, I know it sucks to not have anyone but it sucks more to ask someone who’s just going to keeping telling you no and making you feel bad about yourself. I try emphasis on try to not waste my time with these pursuits. I don’t need to be angry and in pain/need help/sad.

 

[Movingforward10]

Is it normal for families to act like this?

Yep. Because families are as messed up as families are.
And also no. Because healthy families listen to each other, have compassion and care. Some families just lack compassion and care.

It sounds like you should stop asking your aunt for anything

Totally this.


Trying to get someone to behave the way you want them too. And them showing you that they won't/can't/refuse to. And you still trying to get them to behave the way you want to. Is a sure fire way to make yourself depressed/sick/upset etc.
Accepting that your family have limitations. That they may help in some things but not others. Accepting the situation. Is going to help you A LOT.

It's horrible to accept and realise that people don't care enough to see and hear you. But, a lot of us here have that with our families.
It's painful. Very painful.
But it's more painful trying and trying and trying to get them to see it how you see it, and that not being successful.

 

[Roses bloom]

I had to go no contact 2 years ago with my family over very similar issues. I had to realize that they are not going to change. It has been extremely hard being 100% on my own. I have a lot of anger and feelings of worthlessness and shame. Acceptance is something I’m working very hard on. I’m sorry you’re going through this and this is the hand you have been dealt. I found a church that is going to help me find counseling. I’m not crazy about going back to church from past experiences but think I may have found a decent one. I had to come to the conclusion that I do need people in my life, a community of some kind. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t and I will keep searching. I can’t give up on looking for what I need. Best of luck to you

 

[Deborah Delmastro]

How does everyone deal with family members who enable an abuser?

who side more with them than the vicitim?

The abuser gets invited to their house for holidays. I never get invited because they know I'm not comfortable around the abuser. They spend time with the abuser. I've yet to be invited to their house. My Aunt makes the excuse that Im always sick. ( I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. )

Is it normal for families to act like this? I've been told by friends that it's not normal. My therapist said that they are choosing to spend time with the abuser for a reason. And that the rest of my family has their own lives.

I'm going to the same situation. Holidays are so horrible for me because I end up being alone

 

[CariCat]

Hi all thanks for responding to me. I've came to the conclusion that my aunt is more invested into things that are in her mind more important.

I live by myself and on disability for fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and PTSD. It's very hard doing everything on my own.I don't like asking for help because I was raised by my mom to be fully independant.

The struggle is real