Feeling Half And Less Then Me

[Deleted member 28740]

What is it about PTSD that makes task completion so hard? I get, though am broken with the feeling aspect. I hate the fear of, living with the, uncompleted. I was not half hearted about anything. The heart is brimming over - stuck.

Phases of ability to get cohesive?

 

[Intrepid]

I have to battle both the fear of completion and the fear of not completing.

I've been dealing with this for a long time. Right now I'm back in college. I really want to get this done. I keep getting stuck, but for the moment I feel confident that I will at least complete my current class.

I think that completion brings success. Success helps me get connected with others, and with myself. It gives my confidence to reconnect with those destructive people in my life and help them be better people, something that I should never do and completely avoid.

Getting connected ends my isolation and reduces my ability to maintain dissociative barriers, or even appropriate boundaries (because I really want to fix those bad people). Once those barriers come down and my boundaries fail I get a little too close to what seems like re-embracing the original trauma.

Basically, it's about being afraid of returning to the trauma. I'm finding some solutions to this through babying myself. I'm giving myself permission to not dive back into the past, where I have often felt like I'm drowning. I also work hard to stay away from bad people.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work to get to the place where I can have any hope of consistently complete what I start. I have a little faith that this new consistency will continue, and for now I'm satisfied with my progress.

 

[shimmerz]

I was not half hearted about anything. The heart is brimming over - stuck.

Cognitively I can't seem to come to completion with much without help. I feel like a 4 year old. Seriously. I need to remind myself to put things away - after I have walked by them 450 times. I need to get myself to get up and move. Somehow. My energy is low (really low) and somewhere I learned along the way to stop bashing myself about it because it wasn't helping. Now the bar is about ankle level where it used to be sitting at, at least, 2 stories high. I am attempting to let go of the frustration.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Intrepid

Basically, it's about being afraid of returning to the trauma. I'm finding some solutions to this through babying myself. I'm giving myself permission to not dive back into the past, where I have often felt like I'm drowning. I also work hard to stay away from bad people.

In a nutshell - love/work/trauma/survival all the big pit. Can't seem to address anyone of them. Think job/work would give some stability to address the others. For another I could write a great cover letter and CV, for myself I seem to self sabotage - well no self esteem or confidence, even though I …

Babying self? Nurturing unconditional - how do you do that?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I am attempting to let go of the frustration.

Amazing is that my sis can write in the same email that I do not see myself as others do (all capable, smart, lovely etc.), and that she is sick of me being …

I wish sometimes that I could do the angry - though I finally did with the neighbors with the 4 toy poodles that have to come out and be yelled at to "GO POTTTYYYYY" every 2 hours. They bark yapp non stop, for no reason, and get all the other yappers going. At 4 am with no sleep when the owner came with the usual shout and uses a high powered light that comes through the blinds in the cabin I finally yelled - SHUUUUUUTTTTT UUPPPPPPP!.

They could hear me though my closed place, just like I could hear them. Been quiet for a day or so since then. Hate that other neighbors might have been bothered with my yells.

Tasks: can start to do the dishes, but not finish. Laundry can complete wash and dry but not the put away after fold. I do walk and feed and love the dog at my before levels. Can change the bed linens, get food, make food but can't eat much. 4 year old also. Know that something happened then.

 

[shimmerz]

I am not sure if it will be helpful @Changeling , but I do my best to make a list of things to do (this doesn't always happen). However, when it DOES happen, I make a detailed list. eg.
1. Pick up dirty clothes
2. Put dirty clothes into wash
3. Get dirty clothes out of wash
4. Hang/or put clean clothes into dryer
5. Grab dry clothes out of drier
6. Fold dry clothes
7. Hang dry clothes

See? Hurts me just writing the list. But the positive feedback of actually checking shit off the list? Now THAT makes for a good day. I get to see that I did 7 THINGS goddammmitt! That makes me a superninja! Yeeeeeesssssss!

PS. Sisters with attitudes can be taken or leaven (lol - leaven? is that even a word?) as far as I am concerned. People kept trying to measure me against the bar of 'used to be'. Not.helpful.

Hugs hon.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I did 7 THINGS goddammmitt! That makes me a superninja! Yeeeeeesssssss!

You and me and a toddler race. I was an awesome toddler. Thanks Shimmerz, I do need to do a list of accomplishments. Therapist dumped last week. That was on the list I wanted to do!!!! DAMMNINNNNITTTTT.

 

[sun seeker]

What is it about PTSD that makes task completion so hard?

Too much stress jamming our tired brains. Exhaustion beyond comprehension. Inability to plan. Dissociation. Confusion. Despair. The superhuman effort it takes to get through the day at all. And yes, if you are in a regressed state, you aren't going to have much executive functioning available.

 

[Friday]

What is it about PTSD that makes task completion so hard?

Because no one in their right damn mind runs into a burning house... To start a load of laundry.

We may be in survival mode, but we're not nuts.

The unimportant shit? Goes by the wayside in survival mode. If you're running into a burning building? It's to save someone, not cycle the wash.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Because no one in their right damn mind runs into a burning house... To start a load of laundry.

Laundry I can do. Job apply is a burning house.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I hear you @Changeling ...me too.

I had actually over functioned at one time to prove (to God knows who) I could function. I was so organized that I had a creative routine for almost everything. Example...a hand-crochet toilet paper hat for when one runs out...like that will change the world.:roflmao: Two teaching positions (one part-time to full on line and one full-time brick and mortar) plus tutoring. Rotational methods for food, freezing, storage, cooking, blah,blah.

Then one day I pulled a Forrest Gump, you know where he stops running with all those followers...

Just take a moment and tell me if you can relate :hug::hug:

*removed*

:hug::hug: Changeling said it did not display for her. Here is the search link, please consider the first video.
https://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=C111US91021D20150407&p=forrest+gump+and+running

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Recovery4Me

media did not display for me.

Yes, I relate to over achieving pleasing.:):(:) (repeat). Only really good functioning has been dog care, and I am excellent at that, a mini veg garden, and devour books. Did not know for so long that I was always using all my resources on survival.

:hug::hug: