Feeling Hopeless/discouraged/alone-not Sure What To Do.

[Johnic73]

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about who could have helped me more while I was in the unhealthy relationship, which caused my PTSD. I was in therapy almost the entire time I was with this guy. My therapists may not have known the grody details of all that went on, but we definitely discussed what rape was and how what was happening was considered rape and assault at times. I was scared and trapped, so I stayed with this guy. Now that I haven't been with him for over a year, I wonder why my therapist didn't take more action to get me out of that relationship. I was mostly in denial, so I know I had a hard time listening to reason when told to leave him, but shouldn't they have taken further action to get me out? I work in a facility for domestic violence survivors and am a Psychology major about to graduate. I feel I know enough about these situations to view my therapist as neglective. The entire time I was in therapy my therapist would sometimes discuss this relationship, but since I avoided it we worked more on my drinking problem, which was more so caused by this guy I was with.

I guess this is just really hard for me to accept as okay for many reasons. This therapist meant a lot to me, and I recently got reassigned to her when I went back to therapy this summer. I haven't been going to sessions now though because of this realization. Also, I feel as if she doesn't see how difficult this is for me. I tend to be a closed book in therapy, but she always tells me she wants to push me if I want her to, and I do want her to. She thinks I should focus on working through my codependency, while I think the intruding thoughts, dreams, and terror spells are far more difficult and important for me to work on. I suppose much of this doesn't matter, since I'm not going to therapy with her, but I'm wondering if I should try again and try to confront her about this?

Also, my best friend from junior high (i'm a senior in college now, so we've been close for a very long time) knew the entire time what was happening between me and this guy. She knew almost every detail I had the courage and memory to share. She also seemed to sit on the sidelines and watch me go down a path of awful terror. I love this friend of mine, and I can't imagine what I would do without her. However, I cannot deny that her accepting my denial while with this guy and not doing much other than hugging me while I cried seems to come up short of what maybe should have been done. I also wonder if I should confront her about this, but I worry I may cause a major rift in our friendship or make her feel very bad.

Both of these issues come down to me feeling very hopeless. How am I supposed to accept help from anyone if none is offered? What is so wrong with me that people don't see a point in putting aside their personal comfort in order to help someone escape a horrible person. I dug myself out eventually thank goodness, but I did it. No one tried to call the authorities, no one thought to call my mother, no one wanted to get involve in my mess. I look at the literature about rape prevention and helping rape victims and they stress for the victims to speak up. I suppose I expected to speak up and get help. How can someone's best friend of over 10 years watch her go home with a blackout drunk abuser and not do something about it? How am I supposed to see any self-worth in myself if my own best friend couldn't try harder for me? If a licensed psychologist couldn't focus on the most harmful problem I had at the time? I have a very difficult time becoming close to people now because of this guy's manipulative and abusive behaviors, but also, I struggle to become close to people (like this new guy I am seeing) because I can't believe that anyone would want to help me with my problems. I feel as if I was abandoned during one of my most desperate times of need. My own sister knew what was going on and did nothing. Do these people know how much their own passiveness has affected me? Again, should I confront them? Or does anyone have advice for dealing with these thoughts?

Thank you, sorry if anything is unclear!

 

[BlueOrange]

It's hard. When I married my first wife, my friends placed bets on how long it would last. I found out about this years later. Given the harm that marriage did to me, I wish I hadn't married her.

When I found out about the bets, I felt betrayed. My friend told me this: "I didn't think you would have listened, and I thought that if I confronted you with it, you would push me away. I figured you were better off with a bad marriage and a good friend than a bad marriage and no friend."

In my case, he was right. I was very heavily codependent and would have interpreted any intervention as a threat. If he had pushed me, I'd have had the bad marriage, and also the isolation.

I suspect that your therapist and friend made similar judgements to the judgement my friend made. Growing up, I learned that if someone cared about me, they would use force to do what they thought was good for me. I've reconsidered that in the decades since. Now I realise that many people who care about me (I'm delighted that there are many people who care about me) will refuse to use force on me. Many good people think that it's wrong to force people to do things that they don't want to do.

It sounds like they thought you wanted to be in the relationship that was hurting you. It seems likely that they thought it would be wrong to use force to try and end that relationship. It definitely sounds like your therapist was trying to get you to think about the relationship in ways that might help you want to leave. It also sounds like once you wanted to leave, you were able to leave.

I may have misinterpreted what you've written. You've certainly reminded me of who I was when I was younger. This post tries to tell you what I needed to learn. I hope it's relevant.

 

[ghotiff]

My story while factually different has left me with the same type of questions as you.

My parents knew about my second sexual abuser (my "gymnastics" teacher) when I was 10. They did nothing and continued to send me to him multiple times per week for the following 5years.

During this time I reached out to others many times including my schools self defence instructor. No one did anything and everyone I told (who listened), listened for that one conversation , did nothing, and ignored it after that one conversation.

I also told my school counselor (but I think this was after I left the gymnastics school). She was the first one to excuse my mothers inaction. Again she did nothing and there was never a follow up conversation.

For me (now that I'm an adult) the solution is so obvious and easy....just change gymnastics school. There were many available, and many better quality (abuse aside) than the one I was at.

No one did anything. My mother preferred denial, the others I don't know why that chose the actions they did. I understand your desire to confront and I think about it sometimes, but I know I never will.

None of this answers your question, but maybe makes you feel less alone with this one.

 

[moonbeam]

Think about it this way, if your therapist had gone to the police there wasn't much they would do about it but offer you help. It has to come from the victim. I don't know American laws super well but I think you would have to have called the police or reported it very soon after an incident. You would need to reach out. As you were an adult I don't know how much the therapist could have helped force you away from him. It sounds like she tried and you didn't want to discuss it so she did what she could.

Plus if she had gone to the authorities there is the fact that you might have gone back to him, and she would have broken confidentiality and lost your trust. Some people leave abusive relationships with help from authorities then go back to them. Choosing to escape has to come from that person, which in this case was you. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

Your friend may have made the decision that if she tried to force you and him apart that it might have made things worse. I told a friend when I thought she shouldn't marry a guy. She married him anyway. Years down the road she's getting a divorce and only now are we speaking again. She cut me out of her life completely and went through a lot of shit alone.

If its eating you up you could discuss it with them but I wouldn't recommend yelling or demanding to know why. I'd approach it from a "Now that I'm out, I realise how bad it was. Itrs been bothering me a bit but did you see how bad it was? Why didn't you tell me?" They may have tried harder than you realise as well.